Thursday, January 22, 2009

Hope floats

I didn't know where that phrase came from until it popped into my head a day or two ago. I just googled it and it's a movie I have never seen: the tagline is:
"When life fell apart, love fell into place"
Not sure if that quite fits, but I did feel like my life was coming apart for a few days. Saturday, when we found out, was the too busy to feel day - some time to tell a couple of people but no time to think what it meant; Sunday was tell a couple people at church day...yes, I have told a lot of people of our journey and actually strangely it does not bother me that we have to tell them that reality does not always go the way we want it to go. Monday, was get really angry at S and at the guy whose dog slipped it's leash and went after my dogs day - a day I believe I yelled and cried and felt resentful and railed against the not fairness of it.
Tuesday, inauguration day, I could not get out of bed to go to work. I missed the whole thing - I was walking our dogs when it happened and then driving to work, as I was late. Our cable was not working so I could not watch it at home. The whole nation was celebrating and I could not muster up any kind of excitement or interest - I feel a little ashamed about that. I still have not watched it. I saw his face on Yahoo and Aretha's hat and that was that.

I know - the ice caps are falling off, the new president of the USA is full of hope, the are wars everywhere, and I am a ball of heavy cotton wool.

I did barely any work on Tuesday. I felt like I was in slow motion and had tunnel vision. It took me all my energy to move my head from side to side. On Wednesday I researched second opinion doctors, which is hard to do because they all want you to come in for an appointment to talk so you could spend a lot of time talking to any number of docs.
I tentatively called my clinic and asked for a release for my medical records. I was told I needed to speak to a nurse and sign a form and no-one has called me back, which is interesting as they normally do.
I have an appointment for next Wednesday with another doc. I have no illusions about this one - I don't think she is going to sweep me off my feet and hand my lovely young eggs back to me. I just want to hear it from someone else, or find out that there may be one protocol that is worth a try and I can figure out if the odds are worth it. It does seem to be about odds - a gamble - who would have thought it?
Anyway, back to hope floating...
Throughout yesterday I felt less like cotton wool soaked in cement and with the thinking about options, I felt a little hope floating to the surface of my self. It is still there, bobbing about.
I know it's a gamble: money, time, odds, etc etc.
I do have some hope that maybe something will work.
I know that I still want to be pregnant and still go that route.
And yes, I have thought about adoption!
Keep on floating, Hope!
the nurse called me back today to talk about me getting my records. She apologized for not calling me yesterday but she was too busy."It was crazy yesterday and today - I just couldn't get to the phone." Then I realized - the clinic is awash in women getting their eggs retrieved and that should have been me! grrrrrrrrrrrrr......


KM said...

Hope and positivity can accomplish astounding things. Nothing is ever guaranteed except when you are convinced it can't be done. I will hope with you and keep sending good thoughts and hope your way.

Anonymous said...

i've got a whole heap of hope for you!! this isn't over yet, hon'.

i hope the appointment on Weds goes well, i'll be thinking of you & waiting to hear the news.

until then, give yourself permission to yell and cry and be resentful all you want. it's okay and very understandable. sending you big, big hugs.

Kristen said...

All these emotions are totally normal, and jut ignore the people that say stuff like "you can always adopt" or "maybe its for the better". WTF do they know? Keep going and know that whatever you are feeling- anger or hope- its all normal and ok.

J and D said...

I'm behind in my reading and I just caught up. I'm so so sorry you're going through this! I think a second opinion is a good idea. Someone else may be able to see something that has been missed and give you new options.
My thoughts are with you. Take care.

Paula in Chicago said...

Hi Honey,
Hope is overrated.
I trust that you are in contact with Sandy Mcnabb and all her making babies widsom. It sounds like you don't need wisdom, though but maybe Wisdom.
I've witnessed you desire to be pregnant for years, dearheart. I feel the pull.
I'm not sure where all this will lead but at the end of the day you will know that you tried everything and maybe it will be when you have a little one with big blue Purkis eyes in your arms or another little one that came from somewhere else or when you see a neighbor kid and you know that yes your life will be complete with or without a child.
Roll up your sleeves, my friend. There is so much that needs to be done.
Call me back - I left you a message - what is needed is some hot tea.
mucho love,