Blogoversarypaloozacalafragalisticexpealadocious!!

This is my sixty first post! And one year anniversary! I never thought I would make it a whole year.  When I started this I could not even contemplate what "in a year's time" might be. I had my eyes on the prize: IVF  January 2009. Let's face it - when I started blogging, I didn't really even know what blogging was. I knew other people who did it. Something in me wanted to join the club.

Here is my first ever blog entry. I may never have gotten much further than that except for my first ever commenter  An Offering of Love, who spurred me on. By the way, S. of the aforementioned blog gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at the beginning of November! Hop on over and congratulate her. I hope to follow in her footsteps! By the way, if you are listening, God (dess), I am totally open to gender!

So why did I call this blog happy-go-lucky? I would never typify myself as happy-go-lucky. More like anxiety-go-melancholy. I think that I generally present a fairly cheerful exterior to the world at large ( correct me if I am wrong IRL peeps!). But just below the surface is a pent up ball of worry - wartiness and gloom. I had just been to see the Mike Leigh film, whose name I borrowed for my blog, and it inspired me aim for the same sense of guileless cheer exhibited by  the the main character. She is a free spirit, open to a good time, largely unaffected by worldly worries or obsessions.  I was feeling hollow, lost, alone, and vulnerable ( yes, even while I was focusing on  IVF 2009)  and  felt pretty much like nothing was ever going to go right. So I started my blog on a whim; the name came to me in a split second; I put my virtual tile out into the ether and waited for inspiration.  Shortly afterwards I picked my signature picture which I wrote about here. 

When we have a child, my  hope is that she will have  a happy-go-lucky character,  and not  be burdened by stress and angst. We picked donors who had happy-go-lucky qualities. I am going to do my best to show our little one that there are other ways to be than with clenched teeth and adrenaline pump overload. Susan will be good at that when I fall by the wayside.  Of course, in the spirit of self direction and self determination, we will try to help her to be true to herself. Whatever that looks like. I am not going to turn being happy-go-lucky into a religion, or a pre-requisite for being loved.

So that, my friends, is the story of how happy-go-lucky was born. On a cold winters night in November 2008. And in just  over 3 short weeks we may know the date (if not the disposition) of our own little baby's birth.

Post haste

Period: Missing.

Work: Overwhelming. Stayed late. Again. Resentful.

Blogoversary:  imminent. One year. November 18th.

Lupron:  Still shooting.

Baseline U/S: Thursday.

Blog reading: Lacking. Time crunch.

Dear wife: Cute. Buttonly. Dear.

Dogs: lush couch surfers.

Cats: Sweet. Not really  feral. Need forever homes.

Greening: Three  seconds with three ply soft toilet paper. Worse than driving a Hummer whilst eating fast food.

Books: longing for  a good read.

Lips: pursed.

Teeth: ground.

I-pod app: Vegas pool!

Fellow bloggers: Awesome. Heroic. The best.

Bedtime: ten minutes.

The countdown begins!

I don't have the guts/ balls/ovaries* ( delete as applicable) to get a ticker , but I do have a schedule and it starts tomorrow.  The legal documents are signed and delivered, the donor is on BCPs, she passed all her tests with flying colors and is given two big thumbs up for motivation and personality by the egg donor coordinator.

These are the highlights -it is a bit more involved than this - especially on the donor end.

• After two weeks of boob busting BCPs ( but no mood swings, thank you very much!) I start taking Lupron tomorrow, November 1st. Yippee! Never have I been more happy or grateful to stick a needle in my tummy! It's been about six months so I hope I remember what to do. But just in case I don't, the clinic has a handy dandy video to help me.
• On 11/12/09 I go into the clinic for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork.
• 11//13/09, donor takes FDA tests. Stimulation is contingent on those tests being normal. 
  
• 11/14/09  I start Estrace, baby aspirin and decrease Lupron. 
• 11/17/09 the lovely donor starts her Gonal F pen to stimulate her ovaries. Sometime after this she starts her FSH medication.
  
• 11/20/09 and  11/27/09 I go in for another u/s and b/w
• Thanksgiving day I look at the tofurkey and thank my lucky stars!
  
• Donor takes Ovidrel ( trigger shot)
• Donor goes in 34- 36 hours after trigger shot  for egg retrieval ( around 11/28/09)
• Lovely  donor eggs and lovely donor sperm do a happy dance with the aid of ICSI and nice embryologists.
• 11/29/09 I start prometrium, PIO, and a Zpack.
• Day of  5-day blastocyst (embryo ) transfer - December 3rd, stop Lupron and go for broke!!!
  
• 12/13/09 pregnancy test!!!

So there we have it!
I am also very aware that IVF with donor eggs and sperm does not equal pregnant, and pregnant does not equal a healthy baby, but I am going to hope and pray for the best and am feeling excited and optimistic.

breathe, breathe, breathe!

And thank you, all of you for the cheers and the support. It means so much to me:) xoxoxoxoxoxx

ICLW redux - the story so far! With Happy Go Lucky Plans and News!

Hello again, ICLWers. This is only my third  month doing it after taking a long break - for no particular reaaon -  and I am looking forward to it! Here is my updates version of "Tireegal's TTC life" after  Ira Glass' "This American Life".

act i. ambivalence, therapy, soul searching, envisioning, money worries and woes, family drama, baby postponed till a later date ( 5 years)

act ii. decision making, temping, IUIs, clomid, anovulation, low ovarian reserve, age, more family and life drama, IVF attempt number one aborted after no response to heavy meds ( 1.5yrs)

Intermission
(Heavy servings of gingersnap lattes, carbohydrates, shoe throwing, anger, misery, therapy, blaming, acceptance, adoption research)

act iii. donor eggs on the table, bcps, starting Lupron tonight for trial cycle, picking donor, baseline u/s and b/w on Friday ( 1 month)





act iv. more delays, including  one fibroid to be removed, one egg donor down for malaria, second egg donor down for emergency kidney surgery, third donor chosen and on the way. Scheduled to start Lupron November 1st. Estimated day of donor egg retrieval November 28th, estimated  day of five day transfer December 3rd!!!!! Yippee!!!!

Credits and acknowledgements :
my honey Susan, therapist, dogs, cats, supportive friends and bloggers.

Commence freak-out about where to put the babies ( I know they go in my uterus, silly - I am talking about apartment accommodations!), how many there are going to be, how to keep afloat financially,  how Susan is going to continue to go to school and get sleep, etc etc etc. You get the picture.

Freaked out but excited!

And now for the awards ceremony! thanks to Noodlegirl and Fran!

Thanks to Noodle Girl for nominating me for this award.

I have been nominated for awards before  ( thanks, BWUB! and Clare ) but I had to ask for blow by blow instructions on how to post the award to my blog ( thanks Lara) . I seriously need to go to Blogging Boot Camp / Basic Training!

So, here are the rules that accompany this esteemed honor:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award - yup!
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog - yup!

3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award. http://peanutnoodle.blogspot.com 

4. Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know. Here goes.
There are lots of things you don't all know about me- unless you know me in real life. Hmmmm.
1. When I am concentrating I bite my bottom lip.
2. I always wanted to be an actress and a singer - Julie Andrews was my first role model - no it didn't really happen.
3. I went to an all girls boarding school for the last four years of school. And no, that did not turn me gay! I was already way gay!
4. My family never had a tv when we were growing up till I was sixteen. It was a black and white tv with rabbit ears that had belonged to my Nanna and poor reception and we put it in a bedroom in the attic so you had to make a real effort to watch it.
5. When I was 12 my family moved into a house that had been owned by Amy Johnson's family. She was the first woman to fly single handed from England to Australia in the 1930s and was the British contemporary of Amelia Earhart. She disappeared while on a routine flight over the Thames in England after doing lots of very dangerous and difficult long distance flights.
6. After I got my drama degree in Wales, I spent a summer busking in a duo - I played clarinet and my partner in crime was a pot head who played guitar and harmonica. We used to net about 20 quid a day each on a good day.
7. After that summer busking in Wales, I took Welsh lessons at the local college and learnt to speak it reasonably well.

That was kind of fun - and I only covered the first 24 years of my life!

5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
http://cindysblog-bangheadhere.blogspot.com/
http://www.dontlicktheferrets.com/
 http://twomorechicks.blogspot.com/
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/
http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/
http://thepitter-patter.blogspot.com
 http://anofferingoflove.wordpress.com/

And now for my next award!!!!!

Thanks also to Fran, for nominating me for this one! I love to be over the top! It appeals to my dramatic nature!

Rules

1. You Can Only Use One Word
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? Table

2. Your hair? Straggly

3. Your mother?  Feisty
4. Your father? Dead

5. Your favorite food?comfort

6. Your dream last night?stressful

7. Your favorite drink? coffee

8. Your dream/goal? Fulfillment
9. What room are you in? Sitting

10. Your hobby? Beach
11. Your fear? Meaninglessness

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home
13. Where were you last night? Bed

14. Something that you aren’t? Relaxed

15. Muffins? Raspberry

16. Wish list item? Baby-House

17. Where did you grow up? England
18. Last thing you did? sipped

19. What are you wearing? comfy

20. Your TV? Cougartown

21. Your pets? Abundant

22. Friends? Nice

23. Your life? Busy
24. Your mood? Anxious

25. Missing someone? Susie

26. Vehicle? Matrix

27. Something you’re not wearing? Bra!!!

28. Your favorite store? Hardware

29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? Recently

32. Your best friend? Susie

33. One place that I go to over and over? Memory

34. One person who emails me regularly? Susie
35. Favorite place to eat? SimpleGourmet

Recipients:

http://bestwhenusedby.blogspot.com/

http://thejohnsonest52905.blogspot.com/

http://path2pg.blogspot.com/

http://p3sbaby.blogspot.com/

 http://insertmetaphor.wordpress.com/
http://pufferandthebabyfish.blogspot.com/

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Teacher, what's the title?

I really don't know what to call this post, but I really need to get the last post out of sight and mind. It needs to go to bed! Bye bye miserable post of despair!
I have also been reading all your blogs and not commenting. It is a thing called inertia I think. I find it despicable in myself and forgivable in others.

I am procrastinating on all kinds of things. ( Like homework for my career counseling). In the process of procrastinating I read an op ed in the New York Times, by Maureen Dowd about how "Blue is the new Black" - especially if you are a woman. i.e. women are more unhappy now than they ever were. In fact, before feminism hit, women were blissfully ignorant of their options and guess what? they were....blissful. Except I don't think she actually says this, but believe me the 400 or more commenters on the article on line have a field day with it. According to many of them, feminism has been just plain bad for women. Give them an inch and they go out and hang themselves. But according to the study, feminism may be good for others. Like men. They don't have to earn all the money anymore, they get to play with the kids and go to soccer games and they even have time to pick up their socks once in a while. Women, on the other hand are running around like whirling dervishes tossed and blown by the winds of change!!! The message seems to be: women's lives are more complicated now and therefore they are more unhappy. They have more choices and that doesn't mean they feel better for it. Men's lives were never that complicated and they are even happier than they were before. Women are temperamental and moody, men are not.

And here is the worst news - EVERYONE who has kids is really really unhappy! I always knew that married women were the least happy of anyone of these demographic groups ( I learned that in sociology thank you very much!) and married men are the most happy (lucky bastards!) but hearing that people with kids - anyone with kids- are the most unhappy - well that just flipped my lid a little. (I do have this worry that I will work my butt off to have kids and then find out that it's all a sick joke - albeit a private one - and it's absolutely horrible after all). Of course those people don't regret having kids, they would never say that. So why do you think that women are so unhappy? Do you think they really are more unhappy than before or do you think it's some trick to get us all to relinquish feminism and spend all day cleaning house and then primping ourselves for the hour before our hubbies come home so we can look stepfordwifelike for them?

On another subject altogether..... I have been thinking of how having babies will make me "come out" in places I would rather not. Where I work all the staff know my story and most of them know that we are vigorously trying to get knocked up - or vigorously waiting to try to get knocked up. The clients, now there's a different matter. Having worked as a social worker for over 14 years I have rarely told any client that I am a laybeejun. I did famously come out to a client who confessed to me that she was confused about her sexuality ( and I naively thought she might need a role model to give her courage and help her see it's okay to be one of those people) who then went around telling everyone that she hated lesbians and that I am one. ( I wasn't on the news or anything - I use the word "famously" in a grandiose small pond kind of way!) A few clients who were gay just seemed to "know". They didn't spread it around but they would give me the "we both know that we are gay" nod! I have worked a lot with nice old homeless or nice old mentally ill ladies who I worry would be mortified if they knew I was a lesbian. They just think of me as this nice sweet rather asexual career girl who has two dogs and a handful of cats and is far too busy helping others to help herself to a bit of nooky in the bedroom. In fact that is really how I have been identified by most of my clients for a long time - the girl with two nice dogs who sometimes come visit and wag and scrounge for food. And I wonder how I will deal with telling these people - what do I tell them about being pregnant? I work in a place where staff are pretty transparent with clients - it's not the "therapy hour" kind of social work - we see the clients in the everyday - we sometimes have meals with them, we help them live their lives and we don't stop living ours while we do this. They like to know about our kids or our husbands or the latest cute bit of news that makes us look like the people that they like to think lead "normal lives".I know - many of you have been here before - do tell - I am interested to know how you have handled it. Don't get me wrong - I will be very very thrilled to have a big fat belly for all the world to see - and I will be a big fat show-off but it is going to be very very interesting in the world of work.

Here's an example of how much I really don't want to offend "nice people" by making them think of sex ( shudder ) when I tell them I am a lesbian and they are horrified ( all my own prejudices).
On our recent trip to KC my dear sweet honey and I had occasion to have three meals in the dining car on the AMTRAK. That would be three meals where we sat side by side on the banquette and on the other side were one or two COMPLETE STRANGERS!!!!!!!! Oh my god - the thought of sharing a meal with strangers is kind of interesting and novel. It's odd that we ( or I ) have become so insular that this seems scary. We spend time in strange places talking to familiar people on our cell phones. We don't eat with random strangers very often without another context or connection like church or work.
Our inaugural communal meal was on our way down to KC when we had dinner. The woman who was assigned to our table looked friendly, casual and down-to-earth. It turned out we had a lot in common - so much so that we exchanged email addresses and talked about religion and dogs ( two of our favorite subjects - being that S is training for the ministry and any dog owner loves to wax lyrical about her dogs). We didn't have to explain our relationship or hide it. It was obvious she got it. So much so that she invited us to one of her get togethers at her house if we are ever in the area.
The second meal we shared was breakfast on the way back from KC to Chicago. This was with a guy who was perfectly friendly - and who talked non-stop about himself and his travels with his wife to various time shares. He was a minister, but probably not the kind of minister that appreciates the laybeejuns. By the time breakfast was almost over I began to be afraid he might remember to ask us about ourselves and did a good job of supporting S in asking him more questions about himself. It seemed to me that he was almost oblivious of us as people and that we were objects to be talked at.
Our final meal was lunch ( yes, we love to eat regularly!) and this was the kicker. We were sitting with Mr and Mrs Average American. They were on an extended tour of America by train and were looking forward to going home the next day. After polite inquiries about what we all did and where we were from, the conversation stalled a little. Until one of them asked how we knew each other. Or if we were related or something. I think that the woman said something like: "So are you two a couple of working girls?" (!)To which I answered rather too quickly, "yes, that's right, we are just friends." JUST FRIENDS??!!! Oh girl, please! It was obvious to me that she was trying to place us, to figure out how we fit into her view of the world and relationships and all she could come up with was that we must be two busy career girls who liked to travel together. But the question I am asking myself is - how do I know her daughter isn't a big ole laybeejun?!!! How do I know that she has no concept of the old L word and why am I trying to protect her from the awful carnal knowledge that is my life? And it's very very carnal you know - just watch the L word and you'll know! I think I am trying to protect myself from the awkwardness of being stuck in a banquette on a train and seeing her struggle and feeling myself grow red with embarassment? Why do I care so much? Why am I worried about a strangers feelings and if she is judging me? I will have to really get over this when we have kids crawling all over us and people ask us how we are related!
I leave you pondering that and am off to my bed because it's that time of night.
Thank you for listening.I await your wisdom and advice.

PS. We have a new donor. She is young, is said to resemble Mandy Moore and is artistic, a little musical and lots of fun. We are waiting for her paperwork to get to the clinic so that they can evaluate her.

Second egg donor down - will this ever happen for us?

I am beside myself. I am numb and sick and disgusted. It's not the donor's fault. She had emergency surgery on Friday. She is recuperating and will make a full recovery but be out of commission for at least a couple months. And she doesn't know if she wants to go ahead with it after that. She will know by Friday. We just got the go ahead from all her tests and I had just got the schedule about 45 minutes ago. For those of you who don't know, the first donor got malaria and was ineligible at the eleventh hour (in August) I am going to email our agency, but because we are in their bargain program there are less donors and no guarantees.
I guess the whole thing is about no guarantees, right?