Sunday, February 28, 2010

A reprieve!

Thank you all so much for your helpful, inspiring and hopeful comments. I feel a little bit like a nervous nelly drama queen when I compare the amount of blood ( not lots) to the amount of fear and anxiety that it produced in me. I knew you could do it. In fact, it took all my strength to call the doctor first and then to ask for help on my blog!!!So thank you all for being so kind and refraining from telling me what a baby I am. I have not bled since yesterday night and that all seemed to be left over from the one scary event.

I rested all day yesterday - in bed and on the couch, read blogs and then watched the Big Chill on the computer while poor S. read and walked dogs and ministered to me. I really feel guilty when this happens because she is so over-worked and stressed herself. I had never seen that movie - but it popped up on our Netflix queue and arrived unexpectedly so I figured why not? Interesting. Slow. Usually I like those kinds of movies, but I had to stop myself thinking "why do I care about these people?" and stopping half way through - which also happens a lot with the books I pick to read recently. It's like that Peggy Lee song I love so much: "Is that all there is?"

I mostly rested today too - S. walked the dogs and did the outside stuff and I worked on a presentation for tomorrow at work ( yuk!!!!) - and as usual made a big fat meal out of it and took four hours preparing a twenty minute presentation! Why oh why? So things are getting back to "normal" and I realize that in the scheme of things this is a tiny tiny event but scary nevertheless.

My plan is to call my nurse tomorrow morning and talk to her before scheduling an earlier ultra-sound. I am working late tomorrow and going in late, so I don't want to be traipsing down to the clinic when I could be chilling and then have to go put in 9 hours after that.
Hopefully we will decide what to do next together, but if I don't have any more bleeding I am inclined to wait till Friday when it's already scheduled so I can talk to the doc as well; we are scheduled to meet him then too. No big symptoms apart from indigestion and thirst -I have been trying to drink lots of water - it's hard!

On another note, I can't believe how many women have been getting their BFPs around the same time as a I did ( or vice versa!). Maybe it's always like this but I generally don't notice. I have picked up quite a few new blog friends (waving) and I need to get them in my blog list and my reader so I don't loose touch. It occurs to me that blog-land is a little like the internets - there is no end of the internets and there is no end of blog-land - it just keeps going and going - for eternity. And there's a lot to read!

I am pondering the transition from non pregnant IF-er to pregnant IF-er but that is a post for another day. I know that this is not unusual and that just about every IF-er who has got pregnant has had to pause for a while to figure out how to make the transition. Right now I feel like I'm teetering between the two and will be relieved to have a good ultra-sound.

My boss returns from vacation tomorrow so the mice will be back to their work and away from their play ( boo!) I am trying hard to prepare to protect myself from another onslaught of stuff to do at work and also to figure out how to protect my family's interests when the subject of maternity leave (sic) AKA short term disability/ FMLA comes up along with the whole "are you coming back" question.

Happy end of the weekend!

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Bleeding -with update

**Warning - mention of underwear follows.

Needed: stories of bleeding that have happy endings.
The scoop: sleep with nightmares, lying in feverishly till noon.
Moved from bed to couch ( pretty tired!) blissful with cat on chest. Need to pee. Faced with blood in aforenamed unmentionables. About Clementine sized. Medium dark. Upon wiping some more then none.
Action: sobbing to S, lying down, calling on call doc who tells me to decrease my activity (lying in bed squared?). Says it's normal and to call back if full fledged period like bleeding comences.
Thoughts: I shouldn't have been so calm and zen about it all, I shouldn't have lifted that case of catfood at Sams club ( about 10 pounds ) If I miscarry my life is over. Those kind of things.
Conclusion: I know you've all been through much worse. There is no self fulfilling doom and gloom philosophy saved for me just because it's my first time being anywhere near pregnant.
Plea: please send hope.

gratefully, your humble TGLxo

PS - Thanks for all the comments and encouragement - I know I can rely on all of you to be way more helpful than my doctor's answering service.(((()))) By the way - it's red blood now - only when I wipe though. I think I remember reading that dark brown was better than red. Sorry to be so graphic for those few readers who are squeamish.

Monday, February 22, 2010

it's a numbers game! - with update*

I apologize for the lousy lack of prose and the proliferation of numbers.
I just wanted to update y'all with my second Beta results.
For any clever people out there who love riddles or want to wager a guess on how many babies - here is the scoop:
Transfer was 2.9.10 with 2 x 5plus day embryos.
BFP 2/18/10
First Beta: 10 days after transfer= 323; P4 is 33.7
Second Beta: 13 days after transfer = 1103; P4 is 34
Third Beta is 15 days after transfer = (will find out on Wednesday)
No-one has mentioned a due date to me but I think it's around the beginning of November.
So that's the numbers.
In words, I have been allowing myself to have tiny dalliances with fantasies about what it might be like to actually be a mother - and all the things that might come before and after - you know, choosing an OB, prepping for birth - even for a wicked moment I allowed myself to contemplate the expectation-laden baby shower.
S and I have been looking around the apartment and scratching our heads and wondering where everything will go and what we can move around. We'll figure it out.
I spent Saturday wiped out on the couch, half of Sunday running around and the rest of it on said couch again.
Back at work today and of course I told my whole office (because it is so small that telling a few people is out of the question)and would just backfire. The second question out of people's mouths has been - does that mean you're leaving? The first is usually when are you due and how many?
I am trying to stay calm and not worry too much about all the what ifs. I feel pretty positive about how things might turn out - which for me is quite unusual -so I'll take that as a good sign.
Thanks to all of you who visited and commented and really made me feel hugged and cared about!

Ta ta for now.
Sorry, but I just can't be eloquent when posting from work.

* updated to say that my third hcg was 2205 and progesterone is 36.1.
I am in shock and also excited! Is this really me we are talking about?!!I have an appointment for an ultrasound and consult with the doctor next Friday March 5th. I don't know what my due date will be but the nurse told me that on Wednesday 3rd March I will be six weeks. Who knew? How do they come up with this weird timing stuff? I aren't going to argue with them though!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

B F -with update at the bottom on Beta and Progesterone levels:)

I can't believe it and I can't post a picture because I am technically challenged - but I got the two pink lines at about 6.30pm tonight.
I was agonizing about what kind of pregnancy test to get and wanted to be let down gently so I opted for the one with lines because at least you can squint at it for a while before you know the answer is no. I don't want to be told immediately that I am not pregnant! That's just way too sudden and shocking. I want to find out gradually!
So I peed even though I didn't really need to but I couldn't take the suspense any more. I sat on the pot for a bit with my eyes closed after I did the deed and finally I looked over to the sink where I put the stick and there were two lines!!!!I had to check to make sure that two lines was what I needed!

I took a picture with my phone and forwarded it to S who is in class at her seminary - learning about UCC polity!!! ( no I don't really know what that means either!)
She responded with a big wow and said she was trying to keep a straight face in the class. Then she asked me how many babies. Sweet. I looked at the pregnancy test and it didn't say!!?? So I guess we will have to wait to find out:)
I know from my dear blog friends that this is just the beginning of a long journey with lots of twists and turns and bumps and scratches. I am not taking anything for granted. I have never been pregnant or even half pregnant so for me this is new territory and I am going to try my best to enjoy it.
The only symptoms I have had are chronic indigestion ( not sure if that is really a symptom )and feeling tired. But I am always tired and often have indigestion so I wasn't that convinced it meant anything.
I have never thought I would write this post and I never came up with the perfect BFP post in advance because I was having a hard time picturing it, but this is what it looks like: me on the couch with Oliver ( one of our dogs) butt to butt with Blackie (one of our foster cats) - and that positioning is a miracle in itself; the Olympic women's downhill skiing on the telly, a cup of luke warm rooibos tea on the coffee table - (Hmmm... coffee- now that's a thing of the past!!!) This is what Tireegal looks like pregnant. Never thought I would say that.
Thanks again to you, the members of my wonderful faithful gorgeous generous and funny cheering section. If you know me on FB I am not announcing it there or in the "real world" -except to a rather large number of friends and family who are in on the secret. (I am a bit of a blabbermouth in real life!)

One very grateful, very humble Tireegal:)xoxo

PS I just got my HCG# - 323 and Progesterone is 33. I think the Beta is quite high - I have not been able to find a good site to Google what it all means. I know that the numbers are supposed to double. I go in on Monday at 6.45am and Wednesday at 7.30am for my follow up betas. Woohoo! Any ideas, let me know!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

the deed is done!

Thanks so much for all of your good wishes and stalking and cheerleading! I am so honored and pleased to have so many well wishers!
In a nutshell it went well!
We drove through a snow-storm to get to the clinic and were early as the roads weren't bad, so we stopped at Starbucks - me for hot milk (!!!) and S for her usual mocha. We even had time to go to The Shack ( my second least favorite store after Best Buy) so S could get a charger for her phone. I know you don't really need to know all these details but I just can't help myself.
So we got to the clinic and S videoed us walking into the clinic in the snow and we hunkered down on the couch ( only comfortable seating in the waiting area) to get busy drinking water and hanging out. I took Noodlegirl's advice and took it slow with the drinking - especially since last time I had to empty my bladder TWICE before the transfer because I drank so much and my kidneys are apparently over-achievers.
We actually got called into the back early this time and were able to hang out in our room and relax a bit (or try to relax!) We both had a bit of the giggles as we did last time and were feeling in pretty high spirits - although there was a surreal quality to it all too. S did some videoing of me in my gown in the bed and then the doctor ( my Mr Tanned and Silver Haired guy ) came in and told us about the embryos. I think they were both 1ABs -and he said they were great and had thawed perfectly. We still have five frosties left, though I only have one more IVF procedure left on my insurance and I so don't want to do this again.
I remember lying on the bed at one point and trying to relax and thinking, God this better work - I can't bear it if it doesn't!
After a while the embryologist came in and identified herself and asked me to do the same and told me I had really two lovely embryos! Very cool.
The ultrasound tech was Little Miss Cheerful from last time who makes the whole thing poetic and talks about the embies coming home and stuff like that. Her chatter irritates me a bit, but she really does mean well and she is very thorough.
It turned out that my bladder was the right fullness so she said I did not need to empty it. It was feeling pretty full to me, but I deferred to her. (Stupid people!)
So the doc comes in and starts his business and to cut a long story short he could not get the catheter in past the bends in my uterus. They pushed and pulled and the ultrasound tech manipulated my belly and he realigned the speculum and it was really uncomfortable and I thought my bladder was going to burst. I was also petrified that this was not going to work and they were going to give up, and I kept telling myself that this discomfort was nothing compared to childbirth and I had better get a grip. Finally the ultrasound tech told the doc that she could see my bladder filling up and it might help if I emptied, so everything stopped and I had to go and fill up two and a half cups to get things realigned and going again. It's really hard to pee when you have been trying not to for the past hour!
When I came back they set everything up again and at some point my "wrinkly"cervix was mentioned. The ultrasound tech asked me if I knew about it and I said no I didn't!!! I was thinking that maybe she wanted to confer with my obgyn nurse who told me I had a very pretty cervix but I didn't.
Apparently the half empty bladder did the trick and they were able to get the catheter in pretty fast and then call for the embryos which were waiting in their incubator:)
So the embryologist comes in and I hear, "two for Claire P....." and in they go and I didn't get to see the burst of light, but we have pics.
All the nurses told me to go home to bed and not go anywhere for today and tomorrow and not do any work. I think they were much more emphatic about it this time. And I got the message loud and clear. In fact I have been looking forward to this part quite a bit!!!
So we are home now and lounging. S has a horrible ear-infection and is suffering quite a bit but is being a trooper. We just ordered delivery from our favorite pizza place and in a couple of hours we have cleaners coming over! Yes I did it, I bit the bullet. This crew is a worker owned cooperative that uses green products so I don't have to feel quite so guilty about being the lady of the manor ordering up the serfs.
So that's it. I have some chick flicks to watch ( one of them is Baby Mama!!!!) and I am going to lounge in bed and watch them and send happy vibes to my two babes.
Thanks again so much for all of your support and good vibrations! I don't know if I could do it without you all:)

Monday, February 8, 2010

Transfer is tomorrow!

And no, it's not an implantation, people, it's a transfer:) I know I am preaching to the converted here, but you know, popular culture being what it is, some people like to use the word "implant" because the masses can't understand the whole transfer idea.

We know there will be a transfer; we hope there will be implantation.

Do you think I can ask the doctor to add a bit of glue just to help the implantation work better?

My one freak out moment was when I forgot to start taking my antibiotics on the day I was supposed to (Thursday) and only remembered on Saturday. It's zithromycin, an allegedly low harm antibiotic, which my very clever friend tells me works for five days after you have stopped taking it, meaning that they don't mind if I have it in my system on T-day. I have two more doses to take - please tell me it won't hurt the baby if I take them tomorrow and Wednesday.

The transfer is tomorrow at 11.15 am CST - I need to be there at 10.15 am to fill my bladder with water. Other instructions that I didn't get last time? Eat a good breakfast and bring some warm socks!!!! Who knew?!!!

Other stats; two embryos, two day's rest and two fingers crossed for two lines! (Note to self: buy pregnancy tests!)