Friday, May 31, 2013

200th post: 5 weeks and one day pregnant

It's a big number post milestone for me in more ways than one.  I am 22 days past 5 day FET. My first BETA was 285,  progesterone was  18.8. Second BETA  was 1185, Progesterone was 16. Commence major freak-out at dropping progesterone levels, which resulted in adding another PIO to the protocol for a total of 1cc PIO every day as opposed to every other day and another blood level check today. Third BETA was today 2600  and Progesterone went up to 20 ( to prove my point that I needed extra support). My EDD is January 29th, 2014.

Big huge  thanks to Itiswhatitis(orisit) for technical and emotional support through the crazy rollercoaster of HCG and progesterone tests. Honestly I would have been a basket case ( okay I was anyway) without Dr. It Is What it Is ( or is it?). Thanks, friend!

This is a strange pregnancy so far. Despite freak outs, I do feel calmer. I do feel able to plan a little bit ahead and not worry that this pregnancy is not going to last or bad things will happen. I still know that anything can happen but I feel a little more laid back about it. I don't feel so fragile. I am still lifting Isobel ( 25lbs) -  but not as much as I was. What can a mama do? I went to the gym yesterday and worked out on the eliptical - something I would never have done last time.   Today I went to the garden center and got plants and bags of mulch for the garden and spent much of the morning gardening. I sit down when I get tired and I am definitely not overdoing it. My big symptoms are mild indigestion,  thirst and dry mouth ( could be the meds) tiredness and raging hunger - especially at night. I am still snoring - never stopped after my last pregnancy and since I am even fatter than I was then it's not going away anytime soon. I started drooling while I sleep. Fun! And I am determined not to sit on the couch for the next 8 or so months, like I did last time.

I was at the clinic today sitting in the sterile waiting  room with a bunch of other patients all staring at our smart phones, when a couple walked by who looked shell  shocked. The woman was crying but trying not to and the man looked sad. She had to check out and it only took about 15 seconds for her to do that and walk through the waiting room and I thought it must have felt like an eternity for her. No one else seemed to notice. My heart was in my throat. It followed them out the door. I wanted to reach out and envelop them in a  big psychic hug. Then I wanted to tell her that she could use donor eggs or donor sperm and it would WORK! It did for me! I know there are all sorts of heartbreaks in the infertility world, and the need for donors is not the only one, and there is all kinds of loss too. I imagined that they had not seen a heartbeat when she needed one, or  they had met with the doctor and he had told them they were screwed, or she had had her sixth miscarriage. I know that the first time I prepared to receive donor eggs I felt so relieved not to have to worry about my old and washed up eggs  and that all I had to do was to focus on my uterus ( that was pressure enough). And I mentioned to one of the nurses that it felt so good to be in this position and she told me that she wished more people would do what I was doing. And not just keep going through the pain and misery in the hopes of a bio child. But that was an easy decision for me. And it's not for everyone. I know that. I know that my answer isn 't everyone's answer. I am just really really grateful that it is mine.

So that is my 200th post. Not deep, mostly the facts ma'am. And a short musing on the gratefulness quotient that is verging towards infinity. And holding all my sisters in waiting rooms everywhere, and those who are doing that sad walk out the door in my hopes and dreams too.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Yes + ( with Update)

That's what the pee stick said! I haven't used one of these ones before and even though I read the instructions I was a bit perplexed it didn't say either "pregnant" or "not pregnant", but I got the idea pretty quickly and started yelling from the bathroom and laughing and doing a little jig. I was holding the fancy plastic digital test stick ( with cap on) and Isobel wanted to come into the bathroom when she heard the commotion so she grabbed it off me and was dancing around laughing and cackling and looking gleeful. For a minute I thought the genius had heard me say "I'm pregnant!" and understood. But pretty soon she said, "what is it?" Ha!

I was pretty convinced it was no. Apart from a few things. Emotional breakdown last night over Susan sitting in her usual arm chair with her usual computer doing her usual work while I tried to talk to her. Almost getting into a car crash today ( distracted and scattered). Feeling twinges in my uterus a couple of days after transfer. Having two lunches today: a healthy one and one that consisted of pancakes and fried eggs. That sort of thing.

So how do I feel and what's on my mind? I am cautiously optimistic. Hoping for a good Beta tomorrow. Praying this pregnancy lasts a long time and provides a live baby. Wishing for a smooth pregnancy. Feeling energized. Making plans. All those  sorts of things. And as I said to a buddy tonight on chat, enjoying the telling of the news. Because though it's a secret in the wider world, there are many in my smaller circle that know and cheer me on, even when I don't feel optimistic ( like the whole TWW!)

I will update tomorrow, hopefully with a nice number:)

BETA is 285
Progesterone is 18.8
Feeling good!
next BETA is Tuesday ( because of the holiday!)

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Great expectations...

Today was the day. Embryo transfer day. Susan, who is a fledgling minister had a gig doing   a graveside service which she could ( obviously) not re-schedule, so I was on my own. Yes, it was a circle of life day. We should have got civil unionized just to top things off really.

The part that I was most looking forward to, apart from the idea of bringing new life into my barren womb, was the lying down part.  That's from being a mom and never having enough time to just relax. (Once when I was driving past a cemetery I thought to myself, wow, that must be really relaxing to be in there. I know. Bad. I think it was before I had Isobel but I can't be certain. Yes, I know two kids are way more tiring than one ).You know, the hanging on the treatment table / couch   before and after the transfer, and  the part when you get to go home and lie in bed. With a valium which they prescribe for you. One pill. It cost me about $1.40 with insurance. Except I had no one to drive me so I wasn't taking the valium until I got home. To Isobel who was lively and needing lots of activity. I finally coaxed her into bed with me for a nap around 3pm and we slept for about 1.5hrs. It wasn't enough but it wasn't bad.

The transfer went very quickly. I had just settled myself in the waiting room, even plugged in my phone charger and was meaning to post on here and my secret FB groups and they called my name. I was scheduled for 1.15 pm with a 12.15 arrival. They called me at 12.15pm and I think I was out of there before 1.15pm. I had been kind of blase about drinking enough water because I thought I had time so my bladder was not very full but it didn't seem to matter very much. The perky embryologist came in and told me that the first embryo they froze survived and I asked if it was hatching ( they don't give you much information really) and she said yes. She said it was 2AA quality which is the same it was when it was frozen, which means good.

The doctor who did my first fresh SET  in 2009 was doing the transfer today and was friendly and professional. The ultra sound tech was the same as for my other two transfers. She is so frikking chirpy and romantic about the whole thing. It's like being in the Sound of Music when she is around. She calls it the "homecoming" when the embryo settles into the the cavity surrounded by the endometrium. She burbled on about second babies and how SFETs are the thing now and that it's easier to get pregnant when you have done it before. She was excited to hear about Isobel. She said she hoped I had a nice scheduled c section for the birth....It was cute, but also a little irritating. She pointed out that the  endometrium was bright on the screen which means that it is nice and soft and receptive for the embryo. I got to see the embryo on a screen before they inserted it into the catheter. It looked nice. I am not an expert so I can't say more than that. The doctor thought she was going to have a hard time getting past the bend in my cervix ? uterus ? but it went smoothly. I think they were all very  pleased with how it went. I got to see the burst of light as the embryo came out of the catheter and have a picture to take home of that moment. We don't get to keep photos of the embryos. I was looking it and thinking, "this tiny tiny little thing could be a sibling for Isobel." Amazing and miraculous.

So yes, they said take a few minutes, get dressed and you can be on your way. No lying around for me. One of the two people left at the clinic that I like is my old doctor's nurse. She is one of the few of the  remaining old guard ( she was the first nurse that the IVF program hired in 1988) while many  of the rest of the staff seem slightly disinterested baby factory types.  I think that it's the result of the company going very corporate. Anyway, Nurse D has kept up with my progress and came in to see me and to wish me luck. Very sweet. That clinic has phenomenal success rates and embryology but is seriously lacking in bedside manner. You never meet the IVF nurses who do your schedule and call you with updates. But I have Nurse D so I don't really care.

So my beta is on Friday May 24th and I will POAS the night before. That' s how it was the only other two times I got to this point with IVF, so that's how it's going to be this time.

Seriously hoping for a BFP!