Thursday, March 4, 2010

The P word, the T word and the G word

First, thank you all so much for your congratulations and good wishes and hollers! I apologize my absence from blog-land. It feels like I have been pregnant for about three months and having twins for about one.
P. regnancy and T.wins
Even though the shock of being pregnant has cleared from my head a little I still feel a little like that person who when flying in a plane expends a lot of energy WILLING it to stay up in the air. That person is me, by the way. At first I was willing the baby to stay put, grow strong and be okay. I felt pretty good about it. Then suddenly I was willing  two itzy bitty babies to do the same thing. Hoping like crazy that they both hang in there. For someone who was scared of having twins I have done a 360 degree turn. I am now excited and hopeful. And having quit caffeine ( and loving the money it is saving me) I am getting used to being sleepy a lot. Let's face it, that's going to be the order of the day for the next many years, so I may as well get accustomed to it.
The ultrasound experience was surreal. I have never had an "OB ultrasound" and let me tell you, that's quite a thorough wanding. I think that thing must have been inside me for about twenty minutes. After a while it got uncomfortable. Once the u/s tech got busy she quickly found the first baby - not sure of the technical term - is it a sac? She then showed us the yolk sac ( which was indistinguishable from anything else for me) and then got busy looking around again. Pretty soon she found the second baby. It's smaller - as Susan said in her post with all the details. She could not definitely say what the source of the bleeding was, though she thought there was something on the ultrasound that showed some kind of something or other that could be bleeding slowly. She wasn't too worried about it and said we will see more next time.
Much of the experience is a blur to me, but both Susan and I kept exchanging glances and comments and I almost got a fit of the giggles but stopped myself in case I pushed out the wand and she had to start again. Susan asked lots of questions - which I am grateful for, because I rarely ask questions, because I feel like I know most of what is going on and I often feel silly or embarassed asking stuff. Girl is that going to have to change! Anyway, it's hard to ask  a lot of questions when you are being vigorously wanded and your bladder is filling up. We got to see the heart rhythms on the ultrasound - but it's too early to hear I think.  The whole day I couldn't contain myself with the news  - I wanted to tell people so bad, but thought it was a little too early. I did tell some people including my brother and sister which was a blast.  So far I have found that one of the best parts of being pregnant is telling people. All of these people are those who I know well and who are not dealing with IF so I have no qualms about spilling the beans and worrying about anything but a positive reaction. Apart from that I have pretty much been a space cadet since then and in between work and sleep I have been attempting to find an OBGYN that comes highly recommended.

Susan and I are very different in some ways and one notable way is that she tends to analyze things a lot - especially practicalities and  I on the other hand tend to avoid deep thinking. The reason is that often my head is so full of stuff from work or I'm busy trying not to think about work that I  avoid thinking much of anything. ( I know, what a confession. Things. have.  So we are on our way out of the clinic, clutching our little photo card that says congratulations from the staff of the clinic, and we haven't really said anything very meaningful about the whole twin thing, except I think I said - "Let's not freak out about it "- and she says, completely out of the blue: "we'll never get a double stroller through our front door. We're going to have to move!"I cracked up laughing and I am still laughing about it.  It's very cute and pure Susan!!!! There is no way we are moving just now, thought we would love to, so we quickly decided to measure the door and if necessary  get a long rather than wide stroller ( although I like the wider ones better). That is the sum total of our planning for the babies.

I have been referred to an OBGYN practice that is incredibly highly recommended but it's downtown Chicago which is an even longer drive than my fertility clinic. I am not sure my boss would go for that - but really, why should I let that get in the way of getting  excellent care? They practice out of the best women's hospital in Chicago where they have 24 hour room service and gorgeous rooms. Not that I am materialistic or anything. And the docs are supposed to be fantastic. The other practice that was recommended to me has two  great midwives  in the practice and although the doctor is also highly recommended I have no clue about him really.  Of course with twins I have to have an OBGYN, and can't get away with the preferred choice of a midwife. I know it's important to like all the doctors in the practice because who knows who will deliver the baby, and apparently the shi shi downtown one has 100 % awesome doctors according to a friend of mine who has incredibly high standards. Maybe I shall check them both out.  How does one do that?

In other news, I am incredibly irritable at / about / during/ before / work.At our staff meetings we do this thing where you write "anonymous" congratulatory notes to co-workers to boost morale and to celebrate victories.  And then we put them in a basket, pass them around and pick them out to read. One of my pet peeves is that because my job is not very glamorous or "noteworthy" I rarely get snaps for anything. I am very motivated by positive feedback. I am a praise ho. I admit it. And a starving one at that.  My staff rarely gives me any nice feedback - which is something I really try to do for them.    Generally  I don't think that they dislike me or think I do a bad job.  I just think it doesn't occur to them and they think I am telepathic. I rarely get praise from above either. For example,  I have to tell you that my boss did not utter one word of thanks or congratulations after I did a presentation for the board this week, which took  a lot of my weekend to prepare and involved staying late to present.  This is the third time I have done this in three months! She was all  agreeable - looking and nodding while I was presenting but could she say "good job"? No.  Anyway, I digress. At the staff meeting one of the little notes that was read out loud was for me.  ( yes they all know that I have one baby in there- some know there's two) It read, "congratulations to C....."  ( but had my whole name in it). I looked around and said - "I don't know what you are talking about!" with feigned surprise. But really. If you are going to congratulate me on being pregnant you could at least say that is what you are doing.  Weird.
All the bureaucracy is really getting me down and all the little games we have to play and hoops we have to jump through I have absolutely   patience for. So while I am grateful for having a job, and grateful I am pregnant I am not feeling a whole lot of that coming back at me. And mine is the kind of job where you rarely see positive results so it's important for morale to get some crumbs of thanks! 
Yes I am a bit crabby and petulant but so so grateful to be in this position where I can finally press play instead of pause and see what kind of exquisite  music plays over the next eight or so months.  And now I feel g.uilty for complaining.

I am still cogitating on the being pregnant while  infertile post. If you are unable to read about this whole baby thing I will understand. But if you stick around I will be glad and g.rateful.

I love you all. And  I love my Susie!


luckyduck said...

We have the long stroller. It is a pain. We wish we had gotten a side-by-side, HOWEVER, you need the long one while they are in the buckety things. If you have two sleeping babies in the car. . .you DO NOT WANT TO WAKE THEM!

Once they are bigger, get the side-by side. The pricier ones fit through most door ways, get one that is "wheelchair width."

I am still SO excited for you!!!

Lisa said...

Claire, great news.

cindyhoo2 said...

I love this post... So nice to hear. I have been wondering how you felt about twins so it is nice to hear that you quickly made peace with that. Of course how could the thought of 2 amazing little blessings stay completely scary for too long?! I say that now, without having any kids yet: twin mommies may wish to throw rotten fruit my way for such a silly statement. ;) I absolutely love where Susan's mind went first--- to a very practical yet precious place.

As for your need for positive feedback, I hear you. Being in a place where your job does not get much recognition or even a "thanks" is utterly exhausting. I am chronically amazed that people forget the importance if spreading the love around.

Still so happy and excited for you!!

MAJ Bryen said...

I had to laugh about the comment cards. What a social worky thing to do. I can appreciate what it means to feel underappreciated at work. (In our field, I wish they could show appreciation in the form of monetary gifts). I'm excited for you and Susan! You'll be so excited when you graduate to the belly wand! Lots of good thoughts your way!

IVF 40+ said...

twinnie! welcome. I hear you about the scared to have twins now hoping all goes well.

A great resource is the Mothers of Twins clubs.

Lots of info, advice and stuff.


anofferingoflove said...

i laughed at the stroller comment too! that's totally where my mind would go also! :D

this was a great post to read - im happy to hear you are doing so well and getting excited about the idea of twins!

as for blogging after IF, please keep it up - it'd be such a let down to follow along this far and not get to share in the happiness at the end of your struggle!

rachelbk said...

Ugh, I work in a county mental health clinic and I hate the 'social worky' bs they try to drag us into. I get screamed at, called obscene names, threatened, you name it all freakin' day long, 5 days a week...would it KILL management to just say something nice once in a while????

But screw 'em. You're having BABIES!!!!!!!!
And for the record, my OB is over an hour drive from my office, and they just have to suck it up....cuz it's THEIR HMO that makes me go there, lol.

Best When Used By said...

Oh, what exciting "twin stuff" to think about! Hey, it's always great to have one realistic/logistical thinker, which leaves the other person (say, you, or me) to get to live in la la land a bit, because, after all, la la land is much more fun!

And I know what you mean about getting kudos at work, although I laughed at the "praise ho" comment. But really, we all need that little pat on the back when we go the extra mile. Shame on them for not giving it to you more often!

Wishing 4 One said...

Yeah for twins!!! You're right we are very close i think. Its still surreal for me. I just can't believe I have two babies.... I am still so scared and each week I wait for Wednesday (which has been my IViG infusion/ultra sound date). We are thrilled but so catiously so. Yeah for us both girl!!!