This whole pregnancy lark is not what I was imagining. Or what I have been led to believe by Lifetime Television. I know that I say that from the privileged position of being pregnant, which strikes me as an absolute luxury in the world of IF blogs. It's where I want to be. I hope I don't get flamed for this. But I have to say it's really hard.
I spent so much time fantasizing about getting pregnant and wondering if it would ever happen and now here I am and I feel woefully unprepared. And a little disillusioned. I read on so many of my blog friends' posts and message boards about symptoms and bleeding and losses and puking but I don't think I really took it in. Even if I had, it wouldn't have made for a different outcome. I'd still have gone through with it. I have a phobia about vomit but I was practically gungho about the potential of morning sickness!
It's like those people that look at you with foreboding and warn you that you're going to get no sleep for 10 years and that you are going to be broke and your nipples are going to hurt like they want to drop off, but you know that they don't regret having their kids and you know that's not going to stop you having them either.
Here is how I imagined pregnancy: a big tummy, lots of floaty clothes, a transcendent water birth experience, wonderful women helping and being supportive and loving. And the end result: a baby, a little person to nurture and love and to introduce to the world. I imagined snuggling with our baby, breastfeeding, going to the beach and making sand-castles, having play dates, family parties, watching our child looking at the world with excitement and interest and curiosity. We would watch smiles emerge and hear gurgles and coos, and we would kiss owies and reassure our child when she was scared or worried, and over-analyze our parenting skills. But I did not even consider what this part would be like. And I didn't know how hard it was going to be to drag myself to work when I feel like shite.
I think I would be okay if I wasn't bleeding again.
It happened at work today, I felt a gush and ran to the bathroom and there it was, more of the same and more and more. I called the nurse because there was a lot more and and some small clots and she basically told me that because we saw the heartbeat my risk of miscarriage is "only" 10 percent and the bleeding is probably baby B being "re-absorbed". She said only to worry if there was enough to fill about five pads in an hour. I have been nowhere close to that. Which is good because I had only two pads in my bag and my whole office is full of tampax-loving women. I mustered up a couple more mini pads to add to my meager stash, which got me through the day. I have had more clots since then - not the "huge" ones she talked about on a voicemail she left while I was running to a meeting. But not small either. No, she said, I shouldn't go home, resting is not going to do any good. No, an ultrasound is not going to really help and could hurt the fetus because too many ultrasounds mean a lot of rooting around near your uterus and could endanger the pregnancy. But if I want to have one to ease my mind I can come in. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. My next scheduled ultrasound is for a week's time. I am thinking I will wait, because there is nothing I can do either way and I don't want to increase risks to the baby even more. I gotta say, though, Ms Nursie could really do with a crash course in phone-side manner.
So that's where I am today, internets. Still grateful, pissed at my body, hungry and nauseous, exhausted and wishing for a European maternity leave where they penalize you if you don't go out a few months before your due date. Or is that just a rumor that someone concocted to make us all vote for universal healthcare? Either way, I vote for it, and for humane maternity leave policies and infertility treatment coverage. Gotta get down off the soapbox - the couch is beckoning:)
19 comments:
Oh sweetie, you sound miserable. Your symptoms are awful. I can only imagine that all the bleeding and the loss of one baby would have a way of sucking the fun out of being pregnant. Could you split the difference with the ultrasound and have one done near the end of this week? I am thinking a whole week in limbo will feel hellish. And yes, your nurse is an evil woman.
Oh I meant to say also that I am really hoping that your second trimester will be 1000x better!
Yep, it's true. There are many parts of pregnancy that suck ass. I hate that you are having such a rough time with it, and I understand how you feel. After losing my boy, I felt like I was "supposed" to be SO GRATEFUL to be pregnant again that I almost wasnt allowed to complain or to be miserable. I think it's the same for most of us in IF land. Its hard when this is something that you wanted for so long...and it sucks so badly!
It will get better though, and there will be lots of happy shiny spots. Just try and stay as calm as you can and feel free to repeeat my pregnancy mantra "this too will pass" and "it wont last forever!"
The end result is SO WORTH IT.
xxx
As someone who had weekly ultrasounds from week 6 to week 28 with either my RE, OB or perinatologist, and who also had 1st trimester bleeding, I can say that your nurse was spinning yarns that too many ultrasounds can cause harm to the uterus. Now, if the bleeding was shown to be coming from the cervix and your doc liked to bang the wand against it, well, maybe she'd have a case.
I fully support you in getting a peace of mind ultrasound if that is what it will bring you. If not, then by all means skip it.
Oh I"m sorry you are dealing with bleeding again. That is so scary. The nausea is a good sign, though! I recall that I made a promise to myself that should I ever be fortunate enough to become pregnant I wouldn't ever complain about it - but it's true, that first tri is rough. I never lost sight of being grateful for feeling like crud - but there's no denying you feel like crud. There is a nice period where you have a belly, flowy clothes, and feel amazing coming up shortly - hang in there!
I agree, as someone who has struggled to get pregnant, you feel you have no 'right' to feel rotten, or at least no 'right' to admit it or complain.
I haven't had any spotting since last week, but I still haven't had an u/s, and won't get one until next Friday, so I really have no idea what's going on in there. I agree with the PP who said that if you feel an u/s will ease your mind, have one. That nurse is a moron. If ultrasounds caused miscarriages, no one would have them.
Ugh, your nurse is phoney baloney!! I got six u/s during the weeks of 6 through 10 and I 100% trust my RE and know he wouldn't be putting me and baby at unnecessary risk. Are you able to contact your RE directly? A heavy bleeding episode is scary and they should have had you come in the next day, for your peace of mind.
And I know you know this, but I was the same as you with losing Baby B. They told me it would probably be quietly resorbed, but I was one of the lucky ones - like you! - who had a scary, heavy bleeding episode instead. Mine was heavy enough to soak 5 pads in 15 minutes. And Baby A was totally, 100% fine and unscathing. Here are the details if it gives you any reassurance: http://peanutnoodle.blogspot.com/2010/01/giant-sigh-of-relief.html
I'm sending love. I'm sorry this is so hard and I hope it gets better fast. I hope your bleeding stops soon - that is too scary even if you know it is normal.
xoxo
oh, hon, im sorry to hear about the scary bleeding again. and im really sorry you had to talk with such an unsympathetic nurse. is there someone else at their office you could speak with?
pregnancy is, indeed, nothing like tv. its definitely a weird position to be in ... wanting something so badly for so long, only to get it and feel miserable. i had a hard time believing it when people said it to me, but it WILL get better, i promise. ((()))
No advice here about u/s,because i wouldn't want to tell you to have one and then something terrible happen.
At some point you just have to trust God!
I have to agree with everyone here: although I have not had the fortune of becoming and staying pregnant long enough to experience the anti-thrill ride of the first trimester, I have never understood those ttc-ers who suggest that because you are one of the "lucky ones" that you should suck it up and deal with the misery and fear by yourself. Everything I have heard says the first tri blows, and yours sounds even rockier than many. I hope you stop bleeding soon and get some peace of mind. Please don't feel like you can't say your piece here. That's why we love you!
Just a rumour!
Sorry about the bleeding, that's just so so scary. But it's correct to think it may just be baby B leaving for good and it should stop. if it doesn't though do go to the ER and get an ultrasound, they may even be able to see it externally. Sending you love and calming thoughts. Fran
Oh Girl, you can complain! It's not like you're breezing through pregnancy and complaining because you are nauseated or have a sore back. You're having bleeding, which is totally worth bitching, complaining and venting about!
I'm so sorry you feel like crap and your nurse isn't giving you much support. I think that if women DIDN'T dream about the fantasy pregnancy - if we only knew the reality - the human race may come to a screeching halt! Not that it is all bad, and not that it isn't worth it. But, yeah, it ain't no carnival ride!
But it WILL get better. And there WILL be the moments you describe too.
Take care and feel better soon. Hugs.
I'm glad you wrote about this because it reminded me so much of my brief pregnancy in the fall. Early pregnancy, I think, is more like ttc. You don't have any of the amazing pregnancy moments you fantasize about--the round belly, the ultrasounds that look like actual human beings, the feeling of movement. What you have instead is shitloads of fear and worry. Add bleeding to that (which I also had) and feeling miserable and it is pretty much hellish. I couldn't relate to that before it happened to me but the week I was pregnant I was so miserable from the spotting and the fear that it was one of the worst weeks of my entire ttc experience. So I know that if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again, it will be a rough and hard first few weeks and months. I just hope that once you hang on through those parts, you get to the fun parts--the belly shots and the baby gear buying and the telling people and all else. I know different worries stay with you but at least along with the worry you have something to enjoy and revel in.
Hang in there. Demand another scan. And take it one minute at a time.
love to you
thinking of you. I know bleeding isn't fun but remember it is really common in ART pregnancies. I hope it will resolve itself soon.
Frick, that bleeding sucks ball and honestly so does the first trimester. I really understand where you're coming from about thinking that we 'should' feel grateful and blissful at being pregnant but sometimes it really is tough. I am laid up again with cramps but honestly, the second trimester is much better though I am still waiting for the 'burst of energy' that I have been promised!
I would just tell your nurse flat out that it WILL make you feel better to have an ultrasound, so please schedule one thankyouverymuch. Because the fact is that we do all of these tests and scans and whatnot at the insistence of our doctors, to make THEM feel better that they are giving us the most thorough care necessary (they make us feel better, too, but ultimately, the tests and exams that we have are so that the practitioners can feel like they're monitoring enough to ensure they don't miss the big stuff). So for once, it's perfectly OK if YOU need to be the one assured. This is your body, and your pregnancy, and bleeding is scary, even if it is logical due to Baby B taking his or her leave.
And I don't know about the rest of Europe, but I know that Germany has extremely generous maternity leave policies, ensuring a year of pay after the baby is born and a second year of half-pay leave guaranteed for ALL mothers. Additionally, they pay you to have children (and they pay you more with each additional child, like one child gets you 100 Euro a month, but the second child counts for 120 Euro a month, so you get 220 total for your two children, and you just GET this money-- no income allowance, no employment allowance. They just give it to you monthly because they want you to be able to afford having children.). So. Yeah, I totally wish I lived in Germany right now... Oh, well. Someday!
Sorry these first few weeks of pregnancy have been difficult for you. Hopefully you can relax in pregnancy bliss in the weeks to come.
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