Thursday, December 24, 2009

it's been 14 days since my last confession

What do you want to know?
We are in snowy KCMO visiting relatives.

Yesterday we had breakfast with a lovely fellow IFer and her husband  which was absolutely delightful. Great to have lots of things to talk about and so much in common as well as IF. Good luck, Kim  - with your January cycle and BFP! I'm rooting for you!!! Can't wait to come back soon  and see you and your babies running around the farm! I hope ours will be running around with them!

To tell you the truth,  it was almost a relief to have  some kind of end to the months of  waiting to do this whole donor egg thing. The decision, the surgery, the two donors canceled  and then finally the perfect donor and the perfect embryo and the perfect lining and then a big fat nothing. It wasn't the end we were hoping for but it was a punctuation mark that signaled something finite; that we could stop, take a breath and just pause for a while. The long long first donor egg cycle was over.

And what starts again is the glimmering of hope and promise that keeps all us IFers going again and again and again. For me the odds are still good; the doctor thinks that there is no reason I should not get pregnant this time around.  ( I bet you've all heard that one before!) He was supportive of the decision to transfer one embryo the first time, and now says that this time around he would add more estrogen suppositories ( mm mm good!) and transfer two frosties. He went over the quality  of the remaining 7 embryos and nearly all of them are really good. For lucky me it seems that even though this kind of hope borders on a  kind of  addiction that so  many of us succumb to, at this point is does not seem to be leading down the path of total dependency. Yet. But not because I am better or smarter, just because I got the good odds for now.

I've been reading some of your blogs where some of you, my dear blog friends, have been contemplating the end of this leg of the  journey, the end of  squinting at the elusive light at the end of the tunnel, the end of the hardship that we inflict on our bodies and our minds that we put ourselves through all in the hopes of the elusive good outcome, to be the one exception to the rule. It is an excruciating place to be; it is palpable from reading your blogs. There  also seems to be some hint of  freedom in this decision, of escape from the joy  of being lifted up in the waves and the torture of being  dashed onto the rocks. I don't want to oversimplify it - or sugar coat it - but I do want to honor those of us who are making these decisions, and to say, I am with you; I am standing beside you; I am here.

I want to say congratulations to EB who has a long awaited BFP!  Glamcookie, on the birth of her beautiful son, Shane, a big woo-hoo to Heather, who was the one who helped me decide to transfer one embie ( as she did herself) and who is now expecting twins!!! Journey Girl for her recent trip to Thailand on her donor egg journey which culminated in a fantastic Christmas Present, and after a mega productive  cycle that had us all on the edge of our seats Noodle girl   who is now in the one week wait.  Sending so much love to a little turtle  who after an interminable wait, is still needing  to see a  zero on her HcG test  after her miscarriage. And  to all of us  trudging through the trenches of IF,  I wish us something better;  peace, transcendance, acceptance, BFPs, an end to tabloid journalism about IF ( that's for you, Stephanie!) universal health-care, mandatory coverage for IF and world peace. Yeah, Santa, if you're listening, that's what's on my list!


anofferingoflove said...

Love the wish list...hope Santa delivers!

Merry Christmas.

insertmetaphor said...

Those are very good wishes, indeed. I hope you have a wonderful xmas. I'm glad you're feeling some closure from this cycle.

C said...

Fabulous wish list! All the best in the coming year.

IVF 40+ said...

Merry Christmas Yorkie. Wishing you all of everything for 2010.
Thank you for you wonderful support.


Best When Used By said...

Beautiful post. Wishing you luck and success on your next cycle! And I too love your wish list - here here! Merry Christmas and happy new year!

MAJ Bryen said...

I am keeping everything crossed for you. I hope the New Year brings you anjd S much happiness.

ventingvagina said...

hoping your two frosties bring you a BFP in 2010! i am just beginning an IVF cycle and we're considering putting back one embryo. thanks for sharing your journey.

cindyhoo2 said...

Wonderful wishes for us all. I am just certain that your frosties will do the trick and 2010 will be your year!!!

Keely said...

What a lovely post. I hope that this year brings you peace and the beginning of a new, less heartbreaking and altogether more rewarding journey once you get your bfp
That is my wish.
Keep strong!

Parenthood For Me said...

I am glad you feel like you are making a fresh start. I just posted about my resurrection into the ttc world. Not through medical intervention but through a realization that my body may not be as broken as I once thought. Check it out.

Celia said...

You know, we were three cycles from ending it. It was freeing. Just to know we had decided enough was enough. I actually was mentally planning our trip to Ireland while my doctor was going over our odds. I had even designed the Mini Cooper of my dreams online.

I still can't believe it worked. And I would be a liar if I denied part of me was not looking forward to a life of travel and martinis and convertibles.

To me the hardest part of IF is deciding again and again that YES you want parenthood and insanity and sleepless nights. It's pretty easy to toss aside the birth control and have at it, but to decide again and again that this is what you want is a very different thing.

I am thinking of you.

teamoclark said...

Hope that the holidays gave you a much needed vacation from both work and TTC. Happy New Year!!
Also wanted to let you know that I did transfer 2 embryo's...they recommended 1 and I went against their medical advice, so the twins are not wholly unexpected.

the good eggs said...

The ending of this post is incredibly beautiful. So lovely of you to reach out and spread congratulations and hope :)

m said...

what a list! Can I second it? Add my name to the people saying yes, please, those things?

I totally understand what you're saying about the first cycle signaling something now that's its over. Almost like your IF cherry has been popped. Ok, now we know what to expect, what's going on, what it all entails, now we can adjust and make it better.

and make it work.

That is my wish - that the addiction to hope is short lived, because the hope will come true.

Hoping 2010 brings as much of your list to fruition as possible, at the very least a few BFPs and the end to tabloid journalism on IF.