Tuesday, December 1, 2009

A flash of light!

The transfer went really well. The doctor (not my tanned old guy doc, but a cheerful and very clever woman doc who comes  highly recommended) was very nice and chatty and  informative. She told us all about our embryos and how they were rated.  She said they were beautiful and spectacular and amazing.

Here is where it got complicated. 
Up until last night I was dead set on transfering  two embryos, but then I started thinking about something that Heather  from team oclark wrote in the comments of my last post about how with high quality embryos your chances of twins go up significantly if you transfer two. I did some googling and got numbers of between 30 - 36% of twins. We agonized about it last night and decided to sleep on it. We talked about wanting to give our child a good start in life after all the work we have done to get here. This is no judgment on anyone else's decision - this is purely about our situation. Susan is working full time and going to school part time and we are going to need help anyway, with one baby, but the thought of having two to take care of and two of everything to pay for and two little ones running around our tiny place,  was scaring the bejesus out of me.  We have a nice, small condo which we can't sell because of the market and we are thinking that once Susan finishes school ( 2 years) we will perhaps be in a better situation to move.  I know people say: all you need is love, or " I was brought up in a box car and I'm okay" -(yes I really know someone who was! ) Also  I am a twin and I know about wanting attention and wanting to be noticed and special and not always getting it -  no judgments on anyone  here. I felt like we were gambling by putting two back because we didn't want twins,  but we wanted to mitigate the chances of getting a BFN and if we got twins we would "deal with it". I also feel that I know my limits and I really didn't want to gamble with my physical or mental  health or the babies' health. I know that many IFers have twins, so please don't think I am making a universal pronouncement, because I am not,  but  I have to think what's right for me. People always say - oh, you'll manage - you'll find a way, but this is our way and this is how we got here. It was hard and I know that having a baby is not going to be harder.  I know that when people hear there is a possibility of having twins they think that you must have hit the jackpot. I know many women who are IFers who have  healthy twins and were healthy themselves  throughout the pregnancy- I even know one  blogger who is about 28  weeks pregnant with twins and walked about 3 miles in an afternoon the other day! ( you go, Puffer!)  My own mother had a very easy pregnancy and was so small some people did not even know she was pregnant. We arrived one day before our due date and at good weights. But just as I try not to reassure myself with those stories of the people who were the exception to the rule ( i.e. you know the one about the woman who was fifty and had triplets all by herself and her husband only had to look at her to get her pregnant!) I try not to compare myself to others who are not me and have not lived my experience. And I haven't lived theirs.

I saw a woman trailing four kids to school this morning while I was walking the dogs and I thought - well if she can have four, surely I can have two! But really I'm not her - I'm me and we are very different. Maybe you are thinking - gosh  - that Tireegal has always got something to grumble  and complain about. I am extremely grateful for all that I have which I worked extremely hard  for. I guess I just feel the need to share the ramblings of my poor tortured brain over the last twenty four hours and am glad that we made the decision that we did.  I kept asking S to make the decision and she said, no you should because you are the one carrying and she would say;"go with your gut." And I would say, "I don't have a gut!!! I don't even know where it is!"

The bottom line is: when the doctor told us that our chances of a BFP were only increased 10% by transferring two and that our chance of twins was about 50% I really thought that I could not take that gamble. We have at least four other embryos to freeze - and the two that were in question were both 1AB quality which is practically perfect - so we were looking at transfering two rock star embryos and "hoping" that one didn't take, which didn't seem right, somehow. The clinic's freeze success rate is 98%  - which is comforting to know.

Would we have transferred two embryos if we were well off, I didn't have to work, and we had  a nice house in the burbs with a big yard and lots of bedrooms - maybe. But that's not where we are. A nice house in town might be nice though!

When  I went out of the procedure room to half empty my bladder ( for the first of two times- apparently my kidneys work so well that they fill up my bladder super fast - I had been instructed to drink a whole bottle of water while sitting in the waiting room ) S told the nurse we had made our decision ( they gave us some time to talk it over). I wasn't there when she told the doctor, but S said that the doctor looked relieved and pleased that we had chosen to transfer one. She cited the risks to my health and the baby's as I am older ( yes, I know, that's what doctors do! ) and said she thought we had made a good decision.

Even though I am concerned that we have lowered our odds, I am comforted by knowing we made the decision that was right for us, even though it was difficult, and that if this embryo does not snuggle in we have some other options and would only have to wait a month to try again with the frosties. At one point I did not think I could tolerate the thought of waiting another month to get pregnant, but if the choice is patience or overwhelm I think I will try the patience first. Of course there is still a 1% chance that the one embryo will fox us all and split into two - but I guess we just have to live with that.
On a more exciting  note, we have pictures of  the embryo  as it burst  out of the catheter and into my uterus in a tiny flash of light! If I can get S to scan it I will post it. It was an amazing sight!
So, apparently my attitude to decision-making regarding embryos is the same as my decision making regarding the rest of life: it's not going with my gut, its finding it and then going with it.

S just texted me from school to say that it's a full moon! Now if that ain't a good omen!
Testing is on Friday December 11th so I am officially in the ten day wait!
And you, dear kind bloggers, who cheer me on, even while you wait for AF or for  your HSG to go down or for sperm to cooperate, I really appreciate that we are all in this together and while I am in a sweet place today  I have so not been there too, and I am grateful for the strength and care which we all share.


Kristen said...

I've been thinking about you today!!! I'm glad you made the right decision for you and S.

10 days and counting!

Pufferfish said...

Thanks for the shout out!

A great transfer AND a beautiful full moon? Now, that's good news! Because don't lovely embryos look like little full moons? I think it's a good sign.

You know, our decision to transfer 2 was cemented when they told us we had none to freeze, otherwise we might've well gone with 1 as well.
No need to explain yourself, you have to do what's right for you and your life.

Here's to a speedy 10 day wait with only a BFP at the end!

CyberSue said...

Love you TireeGal! And as potential auntie Jennifer says, "Go Embryo!"

AplusB said...

Sounds like you made the right decision for YOU and Susan, and that's what matters! Wishing you the very best of luck!!

cindyhoo2 said...

I am so happy to hear that you got plenty of great embryos-- and plenty to freeze. Your thought process is utterly sensible and sounds like the right decision for you and S.

The countdown to your BFP begins!!!

Keely said...

I'm on tenterhooks over here! It sounds like you made the absolute best decision for yourself and your family. I am counting down and hoping that the full moon works its magic and the flash of light in your uterus grows into a big beautiful baby.
December 11th!! I'm tuning in!

K said...

A million congratulations on a successful transfer!! It sounds like you two came to the perfect decision for your family. FWIW, I'm 99.9% sure we'll be making the same decision with any future FETs. Before we had E, I thought we'd be able to manage twins just fine and there were moments I even hoped both embryos would stick. Now that he's here, I truly can't imagine having two of him. I have nothing but respect for the many parents of twins that make it look easy, but I really don't think I'm cut out for it myself! I would (and will) be grateful for ANY children that come into my life, but if I am certain that I would prefer a singleton to twins, I'm with you that it seems sensible to aim directly for that, even if it takes a little longer, rather than trying for more and hoping to only have a 50% success rate.

My fingers will be crossed for the next ten days. I can't wait to celebrate good news with you.

Anonymous said...

So excited for you! Here's hoping you get awesome news! FWIW, our RE wanted to transfer 4 and we were like nuh and uh. We did 2 and are currently expecting our singleton son. Hope that little emby is snuggling in nicely for you!

Journey Girl said...

Hey T-Gal!! Congrats on your entree into the 10 day wait - whoo hoo!! Yes, it is always a tough decision and a very personal one - different for everyone. I am forced to only put one embryo back because of my uterus otherwise I definitely would put two back. I would welcome twins and if we have to go to surrogacy, I will be championing the twin cause! That is just me though, everyone's situation is different and your little rock star sounds like it will be a winner.

In answer to your question on my blog - yes, I will definitely be blogging in Thailand so will be keeping a close eye on you!!

All the best for the next 10 days!!

Trinity said...

Congrats on the transfer!Sounds like you made a well-though, heartfelt decision about the number to put back, and I firmly believe well-thought and well-hearted decisions are the BEST ones. I'm rooting for you guys during this 10day wait! :)

Best When Used By said...

First, congratulations on stellar embies and a smooth transfer. Please go lie down and think happy thoughts for a few days.

Second, you don't need to apologize or make excuses for your decision to transfer one embie. Everyone is entitled to their own choices, values and opinions. And I think you make excellent arguments for transferring one (besides - holy crap - you still have 12 frosties, right?!) So rest easy, friend, no one ought to judge you or be offended by your choice.

Eat a little pineapple core and envision a beautiful BFP on the 11th!

luckyduck said...

I am crossing my fingers and sending lots of sticky baby dust your way! It sounds like everything went perfect!

Anonymous said...

Wow, I can really see the huge amount of thought you gave to the transfer question. I think you made the right decision for you. I don't think that not wanting twins is in any way an insult to people who do want them or have them. It's an indisputable risk to your health and the health of your children to carry two. And it's a risk some are willing to take, but it's totally valid to not want to take it yourself. And, as you said, you might end up with two anyway! I'm glad you have some lovely eggs to freeze - that sounds perfect!

Now, the transfer - hooray! It sounds wonderful. I'm so happy that you're in the 10 day wait now. I can't wait until you get your positive! Our tww is due to expire right when yours does - I hope we both get some life-changing, amazing news in a little over a week!

Illanare said...

Sending you many, many embie-sticking thoughts :-)

pleasantlyfurious said...

we're saving you a seat on the preg boards. This is so it fpr you!!

Anonymous said...

Hey - it sounds like you did a great deal of soul searching and talking to your partner through the decision, glad to hear about your choice and that it is one you are comfortable with. FX!

MAJ Bryen said...

I am so excited for you and wishing you the very best of luck on your cycle! I think you made the right decision for you and that is all you can ask for.

Fran said...

I've been thinking of you soo much! Delighted you made a choice you are comfortable with as that's the only thig that matters, only 10 days!! i havea great feeling you know? Much love, Fran

Anonymous said...

wanted to say hello - i found your blog just now. we're in the 2ww together. here's to a quick, peaceful wait and a huge bfp at the end. a full moon is indeed a good omen!

Anonymous said...

I hope it all works out and you post a BFP next Friday! I understand the apprehension about twins. I have many sets of twins in my family, and I grew up seeing how hard it is. I was really worried about having them too, being single and already having 1 child, and the fact that I was on fertilty drugs. I'm releived there is only 1 Mr. Farty, I don't know if I could handle 2!

kate said...

That's so cool! We got our "flash of light" picture, too. It's now in my stack of ultrasound photos of the babies.

The decision of how many to transfer is *so* fraught with emotion. We were given different stats than you were (40% chance with xferring one, 80%+ chance of success with xfering two, 25% risk of twins, even with two superstar embies-- may have had something to do with the Male Factor issue-- don't know), but ultimately, our decision came down to whether we could deal with twins or not, were that to be the outcome. And whether or not we ever wanted to do the IVF process (or even an embryo transfer process) again. And our answer to the first issue was that we could handle twins, and to the second, a definitive NO, that we never wanted to do IVF again.

We had been saying all along that we were happy with an only child, because we didn't want to do multiple rounds of IVF if possible. So, we also knew that one of the only ways we'd end up with siblings would be if there were twins.

So, even though we really weren't jazzed about twins, we went ahead and transferred two. And they both stuck. And even though we're freaked out, I know we can work it out (we have a large, if old, house, enough bedrooms, etc.-- still figuring out how to pay for two of everything on one income, though!). We've gotten ourselves pretty excited about the prospect of twins, knowing all the crazy risks and the dynamic we're adding to both kids' lives-- in spite of those very real concerns, we're excited about all the good things.

Anyhow, I just love reading about people's well-thought-through decisions. I'm so happy that you're now in the 10 day wait (longest ten days of my life, it was), and I'm happy that you and your partner were able to come to a decision that will work best for your family. Nothing makes me more angry than someone flippantly making decisions regarding infertility care, or worse than that, doing something without appropriate consideration solely because their doctor said to.

Yay! You're PUPO!

Journey Girl said...

I have left a gift for you on my blog!

Clare said...

Thanks for keeping me up to date with your news. Wishing you much much luck for this cycle, hold on there little blasties!!

C said...

I really admire you for putting so much thought into your decision. It sounds like this was really the best for your family. From what I've heard/ read, more and more clinics are doing single embryo transfers to protect the mother and child's health. Anyway, just wanted to say that I think you made a great choice.

I'll continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Very hopeful for you!!!

cindyhoo2 said...

Thinking of you and your little embryo... Feeling pg???

J and DZ said...

I can't believe I missed your transfer!!!! How exciting.
I completely understand all of your reasons for transferring 1 vs 2 because we're in the same boat as you (tiny condo, etc). Plus when you have frozen for future transfers why wish the failure of one that could end up being a future baby?
I have everything crossed for you and will be checking back for your results!!!

Journey Girl said...

I keep checking, checking, checking back to see how you are going - hope all is okay!!! Thanks for the comments of support on my blog!

Anonymous said...

I would have done the exact same thing as you, even knowing how this cycle turned out. I really appreciate your reflection on this and your views as a twin yourself. If I end up doing DE, I'll be putting in one at a time, no matter how long it takes. I hope your FET goes well.