Thursday, January 7, 2010

the doldrums... or what's really bothering me!

I am neither here nor there.
I really am having a hard time keeping up with reading and commenting on blogs and writing on my own. I feel bad about it. Over the holidays I was doing it  an obsessive amount
I feel a little numb and cotton woolly and tunnel visiony.
I don't know if I can write a whole paragraph.
It might have to be just lines on the page.
This is me going into the Lupron stage of our FET. Really it's exciting. I am almost off the BCPs and about to start shooting up.
I even get to schedule the procedure for a Friday so my doc can do it and I can take the weekend to relax and not be off work. And there's the rub.
I think that what is really going on  is that I am furious and fed up of the amount of work I feel compelled to do in my job.
I feel like I am running fast and breathless on a crazy treadmill and even when I lurch off  I still feel it moving. I don't sleep well, I have to get up at the crack ass of dawn to go to doctor appointments so I don't miss work ( god forbid I'm not there to deal with a crisis) more than I should.
I had two weeks off ( not consecutively) in December. One for the transfer and one for ( shock, horror) Christmas.  This is all paid vacation to which I am entitled. My new boss, who appears to be mostly fairly reasonable seems disturbed by this. Never mind that I cover for my staff while they take off one and two week vacations. To which they are also entitled and to whom I say, bon voyage! Never mind that I bust my fucking butt for this thankless job. Never mind that I am doing the work of three people.  Unpaid overtime. Never mind. Because god dammit, we have to be doing "best practice". The problem with that is if the "best practice" is all being done by me ( i.e. extra work) then the best practice will crash and fricking burn in about a week.
I had a melt down in her office on Monday because one of our  dogs was sick and I was so worried that I had to take more time off to take him to the vet that I could barely sleep the night before. I told her I was sorry that I had been off so much, and I had truly been working very hard, and I was trying my best. Blah blah blah!!! And she was fairly understanding, while stressing that it's very important for me to be there as much as possible. But when we  finally get sent home "early" today because it's like the antarctic outside, I don't get to go home, because I have to call someone who's sons are about to be homeless. etc etc.  And more and more and more. But you know, I am pissed. Because I may be one of the bosses, but I am just as entitled to take vacation as anyone else. And I shouldn't feel guilty about it. But I do.
This whole thing is triggering some bad ass PTSD for me. Just over two years ago before most of you knew me, I had just started this job, was pretty clueless ( no-one to train me, do it yourself orientation) and the new interim director  ( my second boss in a row of six so far) turned out to be a psychopath whose one goal was to fire me because she thought that I was the problem.  She  had a hatchet type of leadership - and yes, that's not an oxymoron!  And very little humanity. She looked for others' weaknesses when she didn't want to look at her own. The shit hit the fan about one month after she arrived, when I asked her for some advice on what to do with a client and I was feeling so overwhelmed and vulnerable that when she snapped at me and tried to blame me for not knowing how to solve the problem I lost it in a teary way. At that moment, everything changed. She became my enemy. She looked for any little thing I did wrong. She made no allowances for my newness. She rolled her eyes at me in meetings in full view of board members and I was still  the scapegoat.  Her goal was to belittle my ideas and surprise me with last minute extra work. And to give me impossible goals that could never be reached by any non-android. Because I was new, it was hard for the powers that be above her ( the Board) to believe that I wasn't the problem. It was a horrible experience. For someone who is conscientious and worries about work and tries so hard to do her best it was awful to be labeled as the rotten egg. And to shake in my boots every time I thought about work. Or saw her. Or saw a car like the one she drives. To this day, I cannot stand Jeep Cherokee's - especially dark colored ones with vanity plates!) We finally got her fired after  the whole staff wrote a letter of complaint to the board  ( after  I had gotten  lambasted for my complaints and  my pleas for help  had been virtually ignored ) and they finally got it.
So you see, when I lost it in my bosses office on Monday I started to wonder what she was going to do to get rid of me. I know, it's called paranoia.
I am trying to figure out a way to tell her that I can't be the "best practice" for the whole agency. That everything on the to do list is not going to get done. That I need to say no. That it's killing me. That my adrenal glands are  wrung out and shivering in protest.
I was reading "Waiting for Daisy" by Peggy Orenstein on the train home after Christmas ( which I found among a pile of trashy reads at a tiny little news-stand in St Louis - and got for half price - score!) It's a great book by the way - you should read it. She was talking about what we resort to in order to stay  on the TTC train. She mentioned an IF friend of hers who had been in the same job that she hated for two years just so that she could keep her health  insurance. And I thought, that's me. I don't hate my job, but I resent it, and it overwhelms me, and it's really really bad for my mental health. If it wasn't for my mostly fantastic co-workers and my need to pay the bills I wish I could say that I would have left long ago.
I miss you, my blog friends, I am sorry my comments are brief or missing. I will let you know how I solve the riddle of the over-cooked adrenal glands and get my FET on track.
Ta ta for now.  Thanks for listening and stay tuned.
Dolly Drums


cindyhoo2 said...

And again I remember why I was immediately drawn to you... we are so similar. I also work in the land of social services and I am often the "go to gal," which means no more money, tons more responsibility and no real thanks. It is frighteningly easy to experience compassion fatigue when real life is tough and the job won't let up. I am sending BFP vibes your way as well as some calm work thoughts. I hope your life evens out soon. (())

Journey Girl said...

Sweets, I totally understand. 18 months ago, I was in total burn out, I was managing all of the projects for the company as well as them giving me two further departments to run. We were understaffed and I was stressed to the max (doing my 3rd IVF cycle). Finally, in the midst of the massive project to upgrade the whole company system, I lost it and resigned. I put a proposal to them to manage the project part time until it finished and since then I have been contracting to them 3-4 days per week, life is much better.

My advice to you is to find some time every day that is just for you. Also, know that sometimes you have to let things fall for people to realise that there is a problem.

My thoughts are with you and I hope that your poor old adrenal glands get a rest soon.

All the best!

Schroedinger said...

Oh that sounds horrible. I am hoping so hard for you that this FET gives your BFP. It sounds like you are stretched to the breaking point. I hope your new boss realizes how incredibly valuable you are to your organization and will see that it really is in her best interest to keep you healthy and happy. best practices start with happy employees, no?

I hope you get time for yourself this week, get a massage, take a hot bath (while you still can!), finish that book!


Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

I'm so mad at your boss for having an issue with you taking YOUR EARNED vacation!! Who cares if you take all 4 weeks in row or 2 weeks in December or whatever?? It's YOUR vacation, it's one of your benefits. It's not like you're trying to pull a fast one and get free time off! GRRRR.

I'm really hope you get your BFP this cycle and can at least remove TTC-time off from your list of stresses. I know it's hard to see through the stress and silly bosses, but remember that you're doing good things for people in your job, and I hope that good karma circles back you soon!


Malea said...

Sorry about the job woes honey. I do understand and jumped off that run away train a few years back.You and i have the same personality....conscientious,faithful,detail oriented,loyal hardworking and goal oriented. Employers like us cause we always get the job done and that includes other peoples jobs as well.Unfortunately we then deal with the unhappiness it all brings us to the point we can't actually enjoy the things we sued to.I hope you find a way personally and professional to relinquish some of this responsibility and rest in a less stressful life.

On the TTC front girl just keep saying to yourself "it's covered/free, it's covered/free" each time you drag yourself up at the ass crack of

glamcookie said...

I'm sorry, hon. A killer work schedule is bad at the best of times, but coupled with the IVF process, it's just awful. I hope it gets better for you and that you get your long-deserved BFP this time around!

Best When Used By said...

No, all that stress cannot be good for your mental health. Or your physical health. No wonder you resent your job. It's such a difficult field to work in and I'm afraid I don't have any helpful advice. I'd like to say "change professions and go into flower arranging" but I'm not sure that's very helpful. I hope you are able to find a way to cope with the stress, or talk to the boss or somehow make it better. Sorry.

Fran said...

I'm so sorry for the stressful situation in work. That's definitely not good. I suppose most of it is how you react to a situation rather than the situation in itself (does it make sense?). If you can do something to let it bother you less and take the time out you are entitled of without feeling guilty (even though they are trying to make you feel guilty), it would be a good step forward. Big hug my friend, I had posted a bit more on the meditation book I got if you feel like giving it a go! Fran

ps: Oh God, I nearly forgot! I have absolutely everything crossed for your FET! Will you transfer 2 this time? Love, Fran

Illanare said...

Hey you,

So glad to see you back but I'm very sorry about your work suckage. Not good at all for you to have this stress, particularly at this time. Sending deep breaths and calm thoughts in your direction.


teamoclark said...

I am sorry to hear that work problems are causing so much harm right now.
I know it is so much easier to say than to do, but leave, or at least make a plan to leave. I stayed in a job that is not healthy for me throughout TTC b/c of the fear of starting a new job then either getting pregnant right away and being forced out b/c of the probationary period of a job, or having to try and explain the Dr's appointments in a new job where I haven't proven myself.
But now I am pregnant, and they know I am and I am being taken advantage of...if I don't work extra and do a honestly ridiculous amount of work I am threatened with dismissal. This is a worse position that I was in before b/c I am pregnant with twins, starting to show, worrying about the school work that I am neglecting completely to meet deadlines at the office. You see if they fire me then I don't get any compensation over mat leave and may have to look for another job early.
I apologize for rambling on about me - but I wanted to show that leaving now or planning to, might be a good idea.
Regardless of whether you leave or stay, I hope things become less stressful.

C said...

Your job situation sounds just horrid. I'm so sorry.

Wishing, hoping, and praying that all goes well with your upcoming FET.

MAJ Bryen said...

I truly understand and hate the lack of training in social service jobs. I can't believe your employer would give you a hard time about vacation. It is illegal. the ACLU would probably like to speak with you. GL on your next cycle!

pleasantlyfurious said...

Oh that sounds just awful. Work crap can really just bring down your whole outlook. Before I got laid off I worked on a small staff for a non-profit. So there were always "emergencies" and everything fell on me or my boss. It got overwhelming quickly. As as sucky as unemployment has been, it's been nice to let go of some of that other stress.

insertmetaphor said...

Oh, I was wincing just reading about your terrible work situation. I've been in those horrible places at work and I hate it so much. Hate that work can get the best of us or become us. And toxic bosses...don't get me started!

I hope you are soon overcome with a sense of calm and peace.

Nicole said...

I am sorry to hear that things are on the crappy side--never how you want to spend time, let alone prior to cycling. I hope that your FET is off to a good start and that you'll get to enjoy some downtime once they are on-board.

Thanks for the kind words over my way. The support has been overwhelming!

Kami said...

It sounds like work is really stressful. Just what you need when you are cycling. I remember on our first IVF cycle I had a pretty stressful job (more because it was new and outside my comfort zone - so not quite as bad as yours) and thinking, "I can do IVF and I can do this job, but not both at the same time."

Well, I did both, but it wasn't easy.

Wishing you peace and resolution on both the baby and the job front.