Friday, April 24, 2009

welcome ICLWers! - the story so far....

HI! I got on the intro band wagon a little late, but here I am!
I have enjoyed reading all about a whole host of people I have not "met"before and it has been enlightening, uplifting, fun ( i know sometimes it can be heavy going with what we are all dealing with but yes, sometimes fun too!) distracting, etc etc.
To introduce myself:
I am 41, my dp is 51, we have been together for over ten years, thinking about babies for most of that time, and the biggest word to describe my feelings in that process would be AMBIVALENT for most of that time. And I have been the one driving this whole baby thing the whole time! Yes, maybe ambivalent but determinedly focused would be a better if more cryptic description! When I was thirty -five I decided it was time to get serious about this whole thing and found myself a shrink that dealt with women ttc with erm..."issues", got a new therapist and then hummed and haa-ed about it all for about 3 or 4 years. I figured I had to have my fun and accomplish all my goals before we could have a baby. Then I wasn't sure, then I didn't think I would ever be able to accomlplish my goals, then we had family crises that got in the way, then we were not wealthy, then our house was too small and we had to move first, etc etc. You could typify me as a passive, ambivalent, yearning procrastinator. I didn't find out all the stuff I needed to about this whole LARK (sic!) until I was well on the way to being too old and fried to do anything about it. You could say I stayed in the contemplation phase for a long time!
In October 2007 I started temping and charting, which I did for almost eight months, from May to September 2008 we did 4 cycles of IUIs. We had planned to start in January, but I had missed cycles, had huge work stress, my dad died, our apartment flooded, I did not ovulate. I did three of those 4 rounds with clomid when it was discovered that I was not ovulating and that my FSH was too high ( even though I had had the high FSH for a long time no-one really noticed it until I was not getting positive OPKs and the alternative crunchy feminist clinic that I was using changed it's protocols and got more interested in my high FSH which previously would have been marginal. Even my lousy internist seemed disinterested in my FSH levels or the results of the day three tests I was told to have as I was already 40 at the time. But internists, as I have found out, know little about getting pregnant. I asked at least two internists what I should do to prepare for pregnancy or to see if I could get pregnant and they said "oh just go ahead, it'll be fine - how exciting!!!!". yeah, right!
We had our first IVF consult in October 2008 and because of their batch timing we did not do our first cycle till January - can that be right? doctor grumplestiltskin said he thought I had OF but to see if I might respond to an aggressive protocol of meds. After heavy doses for 8 days I had one tiny follicle and the whole cycle was canceled. His two word piece of advice to me as I am still sitting on the table with my dignity on the outs was "donor eggs."
We went for our second opinion in february. it was the same thing. I cried and screamed and threw shoes. ( after we left the clinic of course)
So as you can see, our journey to infertility has involved not a huge amount of medical intervention, lasted only a few months, but came to a screeching halt quite quickly.
We are now considering domestic adoption, embryo adoption or donor eggs.
I have been blogging about my experiences visiting adoption agency open houses. I am behind on my most recent open house which was wednesday and I still have not written about it. We have no internet at home till tomorrow. I am catching up at work.
Tomorrow I go for my last open house at a large and very prominent adoption agency here in Chicagoland. Not that I am boasting - just that the other two I have been to have been much smaller. I have spotted the same couple twice now - who are doing the rounds with me, - I wonder if it will be three for three tomorrow?!
Well ICLWers and others, please keep reading and help me along my journey and I promise to do the same for you:)
Happy Friday, everyone!


Best When Used By said...

Thanks for the background! Amazing how life gets in the way of things, huh? And how we reached 40 in what seemed like a lot fewer than 40 years.

Like you, we have not had a whole lot of medical intervention, but enough loss to want to place our chips on what we think is our best bet (embryo adoption).

I'm looking forward to reading about the third "prominent" adoption open house.

Happy ICLW.

Alana said...

Best wishes for a peaceful heart, as you continue on your journey.


Frau said...

You have the patience of an angel if you waited until after you left the clinic to throw shoes. They are good to throw, aren't they.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Fat Chick said...

I sooo love your blog!

And ditto Best When Used By - life really gets in the way. I find that I look at 20-something pregnant woman with this kind of awe. On the one hand, they didn't let life get in the way, but on the other, I wonder if they will have a mid-life crisis?


cindyhoo2 said...

Wow! That is quite a story. We all feel we will be the fertility exception to the rule... until we aren't. And that knowledge is so hard to deal with. For what it's worth, I am glad to have you on this crazy train with me/ us. As my partner and I are also looking into donor embryos and eggs and are also thinking about adoption, we will watch your journey closely.

Scrambled Egg said...

Happy ICLW! I really appreciate you sharing your story...and wish you the best of luck!

Anonymous said...

wow, WHAT a journey.

You DO have amazing patience.

Good luck with the rest of the journey.



Anonymous said...

Nice to meet you! I am an adoptive mom. My son is from Korea and will be home with us a year in June. He is amazing. Check out our non profit website and blog. We need help spreading the word.
Parenthood for

Mrs. Gamgee said...

Happy ICLW! I love that we get to meet new people in all different places on this road. I hope that your journey is short...

Jill said...

it's nice to "meet" you! I look forward to hearing more about your story.


Anonymous said...

Our journey is also colored by ambivalence and procrastination and ends in high FSH and limited options.

Your search for an adoption agency reminds me of ours for a foster agency. I very much hope that you find the right one.