Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Plan B - and kind thoughts from co-workers

I think it's really time for a new post! It has been almost a month and I have been brooding about a lot of things and doing lots of thinking, research and soul-searching.
The title comes from one of my co-workers whose car I was riding in the other day. We were just chatting and she asked me how the IVF project was going. I told her that it wasn't and had not for some time. She very gently asked me if we had a plan B. I was so pleased to hear that I immediately congratulated her sensitivity and thanked her for not asking me if we had thought about adoption!!!

Another co-worker who is really a friend had heard the options from me - I had outlined what i thought we were willing to do - domestic adoption. She just came up to me one day and said I was just having some thoughts about adoption and came up with some really interesting perspectives that I had not thought of before. She was so genuine and so obviously wanting to be helpful and thoughtful that we both teared up. What great experiences in the scheme of things where people's comments are often so thoughtless and can give so much pain.

In fact almost everyone to whom I have spoken about this in depth and who knows our story has been incredibly supportive and loving. You know who you are!

When we considered adoption over egg/ embryo donation we were thinking that there would be no need for medical intervention or huge unknowns in that area, we wouldn't be unloading a huge amount of money without knowing what the result might be, and we would be helping a child that was already going to be born rather than creating one out of one stranger's eggs and another's sperm. Those were our personal thoughts - everyone is different I know. Once I realized I could not get pregnant with my own eggs I gradually lost the desire to give birth - or gave it up - and for a while I thought I had given up the idea of having children. But throughout the last two months I have been contemplating all of this and am still contemplating - but feel much closer to taking action.

I have an info session coming up in two weeks at an agency that looks good that does "non=traditional" adoption and another one at the fertility center.
I will keep you posted and try to write more now that I am over my bloggers' block!

PS (added later) I was driving along on my errands today - I am off work for a week of bliss that has been not quite as exciting as I anticipated but nevertheless a very welcome break from stress - and something on the radio made me think to myself: oh, those conversations that women always have about labor and how hard it was and oh the breast-feeding was a blast ( or not!) and the pains and aches and morning sickness - I am never going to have that. Don't get me wrong - I am secretly relieved about the morning sickness but I don't get to have that big dramatic birth story that women seem to wield in all kinds of coffee and tea klatches for all eternity. I'll get over it - but it was seriously the first time I had ever thought about another thing I am going to miss.


Kristen said...

Sure, you won't share on the labor stories, but there are 1000s of other stories you and other moms will share. The only time labor stories come up is when someone else just had a baby, otherwise, it doesn't happen. There will be plenty of other stories.
good luck :)

Anonymous said...

sounds like you have some really amazing co-workers!

im looking forward to hearing about the info session at the new agency. hope it gets you started down your path to your baby quickly!

cindyhoo2 said...

I am so glad that your coworkers responded with real thoughtfulness. I know that I truly treasure every genuine response to my IF. I think as we move into serious consideration of new paths (like adoption or partner carrying), we have to be willing to honestly admit the parts of our baby plans we are giving up. I am so hopeful that the stories we actually live will be better than those we imagined for ourselves.

KM said...

You have some great people in your RL :). I am glad to hear that you do. I think the stories you will have may be different, but will be just as dramatic and important and wonderful to share. I know I look forward to hearing them. I am glad you are back on your blog we have missed you.