I wrote this long post telling you all where I had been. Then I pressed the wrong button and it disappeared. I have no more time to myself tonight.
I am in severe doldrums, called overwhelm and depression.
The baby is fine. He is a boy!We have to move. We are doing a short sale. The bank is foreclosing on us. We have little help or support. I am so fed up of working hard and being broke.
I will update more soon when I get time.
I am sooo bummed I lost the post. I gave it everything. ugh.
Please send nice thoughts our way.
Isobel is doing great,
xo
Monday, September 16, 2013
Thursday, July 18, 2013
a movie you won't want to miss...
 |
| my trying to be creative pregnancy announcement...courtesy of my clever wife.
I won't tell you about the scary as all eff maternal fetal medicine appointment we had today where we discussed all my risk factors and past history. On the more optimistic side, we did see a very cute baby via ultrasound, with her / his hands up by his / her face and two fingers very visibly giving the peace sign.
|
Monday, July 1, 2013
Graduating from the RE
Yes, I have become a newsy poster, as is most people's wont when they are in a cycle or pregnant. I have to say I feel a bit sheepish about it, but it is a good way to record our little family history so here I go.
We saw our baby last week at the baby factory and she / he had a heart beat of 180 beats per minute and her ( ok for expediancy I will go with her until we know otherwise) head and body were visible. Susan swore she saw an arm waving around too. According to the ultrasound tech and the doctor everything looks fabulous. I have a tiny hematoma ( not the correct medical term) - last time I had a large one accompanied by bleeding - but this time no bleeding or cramping. All looks good. He mentioned in passing that we still have a few ( three, I think) very good looking embryos left and I shuddered. Let's get this pregnancy nice and cooked first and then we can look back and say no more. Even with those beautiful embryos, we know there are no more babies on our horizon apart from this one. Of course we will probably keep the embryos until the baby is born and then decide what to do. They cannot be donated to anyone else because the egg donor prohibited it, and I understand that is the best thing to do with anonymous donors but it does feel like a waste especially when they are so good and Isobel is a pretty darn sweet kiddo. So we believe the others would be too. So the options are medical science or disposal. I am pretty sure we will donate them to science.
But I digress.
Don't I sound optimistic about this pregnancy? I am reasonably calm about it and trying hard to believe that all will be well. In fact the only thing I am stressed about now, is my usual bugbear, work. And I was similarly stressed when Isobel was in utero. I can't do that again. I am going to look into a mindfulness group that my doc told me about. I need to learn to switch off my monkey mind and my endless ruminating. It is so bad for me and such a waste of energy.
So yeah, we graduated the baby factory amidst hugs and promises to send photos and are now under the regular every Wednesday morning care of Mr Ob. Yes a man OBGYN.
Two weeks ago I went to see said new OBGYN to review the medical records of my last pregnancy and to hear from him what he thought about what happened, especially at the end when I had to have the C section because Isobel was not moving properly. He reviewed it and he reminded me that there had been meconium in the amniotic fluid when Isobel was pulled out of my uterus ( which he said was very unusual at that stage) and that the chord was wrapped around her neck four times ( which he also said was very unusual). I wept in his office. I was overcome by the feelings and the thoughts of what could so easily have happened to her if I had not paid attention to my instincts about her lack of movement in utero. If I had not called the midwife and gone to the hospital when I did. If I had waited another day. No one can say why she was in distress, or what happened to cause it. She got a 7 and then a 9 on the Apgar - something that I had never heard at the hospital and apparently was fine and healthy ( if tiny at 5 lbs and 13 ounces). The fact that I was offered the opportunity to labor ( even though I was not dilated or effaced) really upsets me too. I believe that labor would not have progressed and would have put her in grave danger. Not doing anything - and ignoring my instincts - would have also put her in more grave danger. The only thing to do was a C -section. Which I agreed to in a nano second. I really believed that once the baby was in my uterus, cooking away at 30 something weeks, nothing could go wrong, it was just a case of waiting it out. I had a doppler, so I would listen to her heartbeat and I knew she was alive. Of course I couldn't detect the ebbs and flows of her movements and her heartbeat with a doppler. And when I couldn't feel her movement much throughout the pregnancy - and I had been asked throughout my pregnancy if I could feel her and I said, not much - no-one really said anything about it. (I had non stress tests weekly towards the end and passed them all with flying colors. Though again, no one really explained what they were lookng for in these tests. I feel I may have pushed the button sometimes when I did not feel a movement, although I now know that they don't really pay attention to those button pushes.) Or it was chalked up to the placing of my placenta. I was clueless really. But trusting. I think I trusted too much. I wanted to believe in the miracle of "natural" childbirth. Because everyone was telling me I should. But I couldn't. And I think that in my case I was right.
So my new OBGYN knows all my history, he is well versed in high risk pregnancy ( if mine should be that way - he says that every pregnancy is different and I am holding onto that thought) and he is willing to monitor me very regularly. He listens. He takes time. He has many satisfied customers, including my own GP. I will have a scheduled C section. I still have a large fibroid that sits right by the birth canal, I have had one C section, a myomectomy and I have no desire whatsoever to have a VBAC.
Nine weeks and four days, folks! Amazing.
PS Did I tell you that my last progesterone reading was 29? that's pretty darn good for me, folks!
We saw our baby last week at the baby factory and she / he had a heart beat of 180 beats per minute and her ( ok for expediancy I will go with her until we know otherwise) head and body were visible. Susan swore she saw an arm waving around too. According to the ultrasound tech and the doctor everything looks fabulous. I have a tiny hematoma ( not the correct medical term) - last time I had a large one accompanied by bleeding - but this time no bleeding or cramping. All looks good. He mentioned in passing that we still have a few ( three, I think) very good looking embryos left and I shuddered. Let's get this pregnancy nice and cooked first and then we can look back and say no more. Even with those beautiful embryos, we know there are no more babies on our horizon apart from this one. Of course we will probably keep the embryos until the baby is born and then decide what to do. They cannot be donated to anyone else because the egg donor prohibited it, and I understand that is the best thing to do with anonymous donors but it does feel like a waste especially when they are so good and Isobel is a pretty darn sweet kiddo. So we believe the others would be too. So the options are medical science or disposal. I am pretty sure we will donate them to science.
But I digress.
Don't I sound optimistic about this pregnancy? I am reasonably calm about it and trying hard to believe that all will be well. In fact the only thing I am stressed about now, is my usual bugbear, work. And I was similarly stressed when Isobel was in utero. I can't do that again. I am going to look into a mindfulness group that my doc told me about. I need to learn to switch off my monkey mind and my endless ruminating. It is so bad for me and such a waste of energy.
So yeah, we graduated the baby factory amidst hugs and promises to send photos and are now under the regular every Wednesday morning care of Mr Ob. Yes a man OBGYN.
Two weeks ago I went to see said new OBGYN to review the medical records of my last pregnancy and to hear from him what he thought about what happened, especially at the end when I had to have the C section because Isobel was not moving properly. He reviewed it and he reminded me that there had been meconium in the amniotic fluid when Isobel was pulled out of my uterus ( which he said was very unusual at that stage) and that the chord was wrapped around her neck four times ( which he also said was very unusual). I wept in his office. I was overcome by the feelings and the thoughts of what could so easily have happened to her if I had not paid attention to my instincts about her lack of movement in utero. If I had not called the midwife and gone to the hospital when I did. If I had waited another day. No one can say why she was in distress, or what happened to cause it. She got a 7 and then a 9 on the Apgar - something that I had never heard at the hospital and apparently was fine and healthy ( if tiny at 5 lbs and 13 ounces). The fact that I was offered the opportunity to labor ( even though I was not dilated or effaced) really upsets me too. I believe that labor would not have progressed and would have put her in grave danger. Not doing anything - and ignoring my instincts - would have also put her in more grave danger. The only thing to do was a C -section. Which I agreed to in a nano second. I really believed that once the baby was in my uterus, cooking away at 30 something weeks, nothing could go wrong, it was just a case of waiting it out. I had a doppler, so I would listen to her heartbeat and I knew she was alive. Of course I couldn't detect the ebbs and flows of her movements and her heartbeat with a doppler. And when I couldn't feel her movement much throughout the pregnancy - and I had been asked throughout my pregnancy if I could feel her and I said, not much - no-one really said anything about it. (I had non stress tests weekly towards the end and passed them all with flying colors. Though again, no one really explained what they were lookng for in these tests. I feel I may have pushed the button sometimes when I did not feel a movement, although I now know that they don't really pay attention to those button pushes.) Or it was chalked up to the placing of my placenta. I was clueless really. But trusting. I think I trusted too much. I wanted to believe in the miracle of "natural" childbirth. Because everyone was telling me I should. But I couldn't. And I think that in my case I was right.
So my new OBGYN knows all my history, he is well versed in high risk pregnancy ( if mine should be that way - he says that every pregnancy is different and I am holding onto that thought) and he is willing to monitor me very regularly. He listens. He takes time. He has many satisfied customers, including my own GP. I will have a scheduled C section. I still have a large fibroid that sits right by the birth canal, I have had one C section, a myomectomy and I have no desire whatsoever to have a VBAC.
Nine weeks and four days, folks! Amazing.
PS Did I tell you that my last progesterone reading was 29? that's pretty darn good for me, folks!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
I owe you all an update!
All
is well in the pregnancy department. We saw the heart beat at the first
ultrasound which showed a tiny flickering line over a cheerio shaped blob. The
second ultrasound showed the heart beat at 145 beats per minute and
clearly showed the fetal pole and yolk sac and a kind of blob that is the baby.
Everyone exclaimed that it was beautiful. My progesterone has been a little bit
of a roller coaster but the last reading on Friday so I was relieved and
happy.
I
have been religiously taking all my meds and getting shot in the posterior
every night by my lovely devoted wife. I have managed to pretty much keep it a
secret to the general public in my life although I did let it slip to two
"work friends" in the last few days.
My
next ultrasound ( and last fertility clinic appointment) and meeting with my
doctor is next Monday. I have barely seen him - in fact I think I have seen him
twice - once for a consultation and once for a saline sonogram.
The
person who has kept me going through this whole conveyor belt of excellent
science and near perfect embryology is the nurse who worked with my
previous doctor who retired. She is not really anything to do with my care
anymore, as I am managed by a so called "IVF team" but I ask for her
every time I am there and she meets with me in semi secret and looks at my
charts and results and cheers me on. She came trotting down the hall looking
for me on the afternoon of our first ultrasound took me off to draw my blood (
in a perfect in and out, no problems like I usually get with my shy
veins) and gave us big hugs and smiles when we found out the results.
I
am going to miss her and one of the other nurses who is also an old timer and
incredibly kind and sweet. But I won't miss anyone else.
Symptom
wise I am feeling ok. No morning sickness, extreme dry mouth, slight nausea,
sense of nervousness and hyper-ness now and then and heightened emotions.
The heightened emotions are a problem because work is incredibly stressful and
I feel angry and disgusted a lot of the time. It is never the actual work or
the clients, it is always the politics, the petty unprofessional staff and the
lack of accountability that hurts the people we serve and makes the services
they receive a kind of Russian roulette. You can get really good service or you
can be devastated. It's a crap- shoot. And based on who you get to “serve”
you.
But
that’s another story for another day.
For
now I am still pregnant and very grateful. Thanks for all your support and
cheers along the way.
PS
Isobel is thriving and super cute and funny. I will do a post about her really
soon I promise!
Friday, May 31, 2013
200th post: 5 weeks and one day pregnant
It's a big number post milestone for me in more ways than one. I am 22 days past 5 day FET. My first BETA was 285, progesterone was 18.8. Second BETA was 1185, Progesterone was 16. Commence major freak-out at dropping progesterone levels, which resulted in adding another PIO to the protocol for a total of 1cc PIO every day as opposed to every other day and another blood level check today. Third BETA was today 2600 and Progesterone went up to 20 ( to prove my point that I needed extra support). My EDD is January 29th, 2014.
Big huge thanks to Itiswhatitis(orisit) for technical and emotional support through the crazy rollercoaster of HCG and progesterone tests. Honestly I would have been a basket case ( okay I was anyway) without Dr. It Is What it Is ( or is it?). Thanks, friend!
This is a strange pregnancy so far. Despite freak outs, I do feel calmer. I do feel able to plan a little bit ahead and not worry that this pregnancy is not going to last or bad things will happen. I still know that anything can happen but I feel a little more laid back about it. I don't feel so fragile. I am still lifting Isobel ( 25lbs) - but not as much as I was. What can a mama do? I went to the gym yesterday and worked out on the eliptical - something I would never have done last time. Today I went to the garden center and got plants and bags of mulch for the garden and spent much of the morning gardening. I sit down when I get tired and I am definitely not overdoing it. My big symptoms are mild indigestion, thirst and dry mouth ( could be the meds) tiredness and raging hunger - especially at night. I am still snoring - never stopped after my last pregnancy and since I am even fatter than I was then it's not going away anytime soon. I started drooling while I sleep. Fun! And I am determined not to sit on the couch for the next 8 or so months, like I did last time.
I was at the clinic today sitting in the sterile waiting room with a bunch of other patients all staring at our smart phones, when a couple walked by who looked shell shocked. The woman was crying but trying not to and the man looked sad. She had to check out and it only took about 15 seconds for her to do that and walk through the waiting room and I thought it must have felt like an eternity for her. No one else seemed to notice. My heart was in my throat. It followed them out the door. I wanted to reach out and envelop them in a big psychic hug. Then I wanted to tell her that she could use donor eggs or donor sperm and it would WORK! It did for me! I know there are all sorts of heartbreaks in the infertility world, and the need for donors is not the only one, and there is all kinds of loss too. I imagined that they had not seen a heartbeat when she needed one, or they had met with the doctor and he had told them they were screwed, or she had had her sixth miscarriage. I know that the first time I prepared to receive donor eggs I felt so relieved not to have to worry about my old and washed up eggs and that all I had to do was to focus on my uterus ( that was pressure enough). And I mentioned to one of the nurses that it felt so good to be in this position and she told me that she wished more people would do what I was doing. And not just keep going through the pain and misery in the hopes of a bio child. But that was an easy decision for me. And it's not for everyone. I know that. I know that my answer isn 't everyone's answer. I am just really really grateful that it is mine.
So that is my 200th post. Not deep, mostly the facts ma'am. And a short musing on the gratefulness quotient that is verging towards infinity. And holding all my sisters in waiting rooms everywhere, and those who are doing that sad walk out the door in my hopes and dreams too.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Yes + ( with Update)
That's what the pee stick said! I haven't used one of these ones before and even though I read the instructions I was a bit perplexed it didn't say either "pregnant" or "not pregnant", but I got the idea pretty quickly and started yelling from the bathroom and laughing and doing a little jig. I was holding the fancy plastic digital test stick ( with cap on) and Isobel wanted to come into the bathroom when she heard the commotion so she grabbed it off me and was dancing around laughing and cackling and looking gleeful. For a minute I thought the genius had heard me say "I'm pregnant!" and understood. But pretty soon she said, "what is it?" Ha!
I was pretty convinced it was no. Apart from a few things. Emotional breakdown last night over Susan sitting in her usual arm chair with her usual computer doing her usual work while I tried to talk to her. Almost getting into a car crash today ( distracted and scattered). Feeling twinges in my uterus a couple of days after transfer. Having two lunches today: a healthy one and one that consisted of pancakes and fried eggs. That sort of thing.
So how do I feel and what's on my mind? I am cautiously optimistic. Hoping for a good Beta tomorrow. Praying this pregnancy lasts a long time and provides a live baby. Wishing for a smooth pregnancy. Feeling energized. Making plans. All those sorts of things. And as I said to a buddy tonight on chat, enjoying the telling of the news. Because though it's a secret in the wider world, there are many in my smaller circle that know and cheer me on, even when I don't feel optimistic ( like the whole TWW!)
I will update tomorrow, hopefully with a nice number:)
BETA is 285
Progesterone is 18.8
Feeling good!
next BETA is Tuesday ( because of the holiday!)
I was pretty convinced it was no. Apart from a few things. Emotional breakdown last night over Susan sitting in her usual arm chair with her usual computer doing her usual work while I tried to talk to her. Almost getting into a car crash today ( distracted and scattered). Feeling twinges in my uterus a couple of days after transfer. Having two lunches today: a healthy one and one that consisted of pancakes and fried eggs. That sort of thing.
So how do I feel and what's on my mind? I am cautiously optimistic. Hoping for a good Beta tomorrow. Praying this pregnancy lasts a long time and provides a live baby. Wishing for a smooth pregnancy. Feeling energized. Making plans. All those sorts of things. And as I said to a buddy tonight on chat, enjoying the telling of the news. Because though it's a secret in the wider world, there are many in my smaller circle that know and cheer me on, even when I don't feel optimistic ( like the whole TWW!)
I will update tomorrow, hopefully with a nice number:)
BETA is 285
Progesterone is 18.8
Feeling good!
next BETA is Tuesday ( because of the holiday!)
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Great expectations...
Today was the day. Embryo transfer day. Susan, who is a fledgling minister had a gig doing a graveside service which she could ( obviously) not re-schedule, so I was on my own. Yes, it was a circle of life day. We should have got civil unionized just to top things off really.
The part that I was most looking forward to, apart from the idea of bringing new life into my barren womb, was the lying down part. That's from being a mom and never having enough time to just relax. (Once when I was driving past a cemetery I thought to myself, wow, that must be really relaxing to be in there. I know. Bad. I think it was before I had Isobel but I can't be certain. Yes, I know two kids are way more tiring than one ).You know, the hanging on the treatment table / couch before and after the transfer, and the part when you get to go home and lie in bed. With a valium which they prescribe for you. One pill. It cost me about $1.40 with insurance. Except I had no one to drive me so I wasn't taking the valium until I got home. To Isobel who was lively and needing lots of activity. I finally coaxed her into bed with me for a nap around 3pm and we slept for about 1.5hrs. It wasn't enough but it wasn't bad.
The transfer went very quickly. I had just settled myself in the waiting room, even plugged in my phone charger and was meaning to post on here and my secret FB groups and they called my name. I was scheduled for 1.15 pm with a 12.15 arrival. They called me at 12.15pm and I think I was out of there before 1.15pm. I had been kind of blase about drinking enough water because I thought I had time so my bladder was not very full but it didn't seem to matter very much. The perky embryologist came in and told me that the first embryo they froze survived and I asked if it was hatching ( they don't give you much information really) and she said yes. She said it was 2AA quality which is the same it was when it was frozen, which means good.
The doctor who did my first fresh SET in 2009 was doing the transfer today and was friendly and professional. The ultra sound tech was the same as for my other two transfers. She is so frikking chirpy and romantic about the whole thing. It's like being in the Sound of Music when she is around. She calls it the "homecoming" when the embryo settles into the the cavity surrounded by the endometrium. She burbled on about second babies and how SFETs are the thing now and that it's easier to get pregnant when you have done it before. She was excited to hear about Isobel. She said she hoped I had a nice scheduled c section for the birth....It was cute, but also a little irritating. She pointed out that the endometrium was bright on the screen which means that it is nice and soft and receptive for the embryo. I got to see the embryo on a screen before they inserted it into the catheter. It looked nice. I am not an expert so I can't say more than that. The doctor thought she was going to have a hard time getting past the bend in my cervix ? uterus ? but it went smoothly. I think they were all very pleased with how it went. I got to see the burst of light as the embryo came out of the catheter and have a picture to take home of that moment. We don't get to keep photos of the embryos. I was looking it and thinking, "this tiny tiny little thing could be a sibling for Isobel." Amazing and miraculous.
So yes, they said take a few minutes, get dressed and you can be on your way. No lying around for me. One of the two people left at the clinic that I like is my old doctor's nurse. She is one of the few of the remaining old guard ( she was the first nurse that the IVF program hired in 1988) while many of the rest of the staff seem slightly disinterested baby factory types. I think that it's the result of the company going very corporate. Anyway, Nurse D has kept up with my progress and came in to see me and to wish me luck. Very sweet. That clinic has phenomenal success rates and embryology but is seriously lacking in bedside manner. You never meet the IVF nurses who do your schedule and call you with updates. But I have Nurse D so I don't really care.
So my beta is on Friday May 24th and I will POAS the night before. That' s how it was the only other two times I got to this point with IVF, so that's how it's going to be this time.
Seriously hoping for a BFP!
The part that I was most looking forward to, apart from the idea of bringing new life into my barren womb, was the lying down part. That's from being a mom and never having enough time to just relax. (Once when I was driving past a cemetery I thought to myself, wow, that must be really relaxing to be in there. I know. Bad. I think it was before I had Isobel but I can't be certain. Yes, I know two kids are way more tiring than one ).You know, the hanging on the treatment table / couch before and after the transfer, and the part when you get to go home and lie in bed. With a valium which they prescribe for you. One pill. It cost me about $1.40 with insurance. Except I had no one to drive me so I wasn't taking the valium until I got home. To Isobel who was lively and needing lots of activity. I finally coaxed her into bed with me for a nap around 3pm and we slept for about 1.5hrs. It wasn't enough but it wasn't bad.
The transfer went very quickly. I had just settled myself in the waiting room, even plugged in my phone charger and was meaning to post on here and my secret FB groups and they called my name. I was scheduled for 1.15 pm with a 12.15 arrival. They called me at 12.15pm and I think I was out of there before 1.15pm. I had been kind of blase about drinking enough water because I thought I had time so my bladder was not very full but it didn't seem to matter very much. The perky embryologist came in and told me that the first embryo they froze survived and I asked if it was hatching ( they don't give you much information really) and she said yes. She said it was 2AA quality which is the same it was when it was frozen, which means good.
The doctor who did my first fresh SET in 2009 was doing the transfer today and was friendly and professional. The ultra sound tech was the same as for my other two transfers. She is so frikking chirpy and romantic about the whole thing. It's like being in the Sound of Music when she is around. She calls it the "homecoming" when the embryo settles into the the cavity surrounded by the endometrium. She burbled on about second babies and how SFETs are the thing now and that it's easier to get pregnant when you have done it before. She was excited to hear about Isobel. She said she hoped I had a nice scheduled c section for the birth....It was cute, but also a little irritating. She pointed out that the endometrium was bright on the screen which means that it is nice and soft and receptive for the embryo. I got to see the embryo on a screen before they inserted it into the catheter. It looked nice. I am not an expert so I can't say more than that. The doctor thought she was going to have a hard time getting past the bend in my cervix ? uterus ? but it went smoothly. I think they were all very pleased with how it went. I got to see the burst of light as the embryo came out of the catheter and have a picture to take home of that moment. We don't get to keep photos of the embryos. I was looking it and thinking, "this tiny tiny little thing could be a sibling for Isobel." Amazing and miraculous.
So yes, they said take a few minutes, get dressed and you can be on your way. No lying around for me. One of the two people left at the clinic that I like is my old doctor's nurse. She is one of the few of the remaining old guard ( she was the first nurse that the IVF program hired in 1988) while many of the rest of the staff seem slightly disinterested baby factory types. I think that it's the result of the company going very corporate. Anyway, Nurse D has kept up with my progress and came in to see me and to wish me luck. Very sweet. That clinic has phenomenal success rates and embryology but is seriously lacking in bedside manner. You never meet the IVF nurses who do your schedule and call you with updates. But I have Nurse D so I don't really care.
So my beta is on Friday May 24th and I will POAS the night before. That' s how it was the only other two times I got to this point with IVF, so that's how it's going to be this time.
Seriously hoping for a BFP!
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