Monday, February 2, 2015

Microblog Monday #23: Middle of the night fright




http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2014/09/what-is-microblog-mondays/


Since I've had kids I've been terrified of dying. Terrified. As I lay awake this morning between my sweet sleeping boy and girl I became just petrified about it. The kind of fear when your heart pounds, you feel sweaty and nauseous and you almost get swallowed up by the fear.

My chest has been kind of tight  and painful in the nights recently and I need to get it checked out with my doctor who is so far away and hard to get an appointment with that it's easy to put off. In the stillness I convinced myself I had lung cancer from those 16 odd years I smoked, even though I've been smoke free for another 13 more. My kids have been sick and vulnerable and needy recently  and it reminds me how MUCH they need me and how any separation, temporary or permanent, would be devastating. This is what it's like to be a mother: when your biggest worry is about dying and leaving your children behind, even though it happens all over the world every day, to someone. 

4 comments:

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Anxiety is awful. Does it help at all to talk it out? To put it into words? Does it make it any smaller?

Fran said...

I can relate so much. Last year I actually thought I was dying about 3 or4 times, always of a different disease. Same as you my only worry was to leave the children behind. In fact I could picture Mike telling them I was gone, the funeral, them waking up crying for me. The works. I was an absolute wreck and could cry at the drop of a hat. I started counselling because I really thought I was going insane. In fact, let's be honest, I wanted drugs. Good ones. To eliminate this anxiety. CBT helped me greatly, the trick is in stopping you from giving into the negative thoughts, to stay rational and live in the present. Email me anytime if you feel like chatting. Much love, Fran

Pamela said...

I've had that anxiety as well. I worry about me, about my husband, about my babies. Thinking good thoughts for you.

mommaoak said...

This sounds very very familiar. Sounds like you're dealing with some terrible anxiety and even the chest tightness could be a symptom. I used to be triggered by anything and everything but I've calmed down a lot and I don't react at all anymore. If you ever want to talk anxiety you know where to find me!