I'm not dead. Microblog Monday # 24 - I acknowledge that this post doesn't qualify as micro but it served the purpose of getting me writing for the third week in a row, which is some kind of record around here!

WHAT IS MICRO BLOG MONDAY? 
Check out the link below: 
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2014/09/what-is-microblog-mondays/

So in my last post I was worrying  in great depth and some brevity  about dying young,  I was surprised to read that many of you believed  that this was an irrational  thought brought on by anxiety. I confess I was a little surprised. Surely all moms think like this - but I guess I am one of the few  moms who lie awake at night ruminating about it accompanied by sweaty palms and the chills.

So I went to the doctor and she told me I probably have gastritis, which can be cured by something like the purple pill. Apparently the pain and tightness in my chest and lungs is caused by the pressure from the swollen esophagus that is pushing on the other organs. Oh, and it's stress induced - I am going to save that one for my boss later.... But just to be sure I ask her to get me a chest x ray. The radiology tech almost forgets to ask me if I am pregnant; I feel it is my duty to remind her. My last menstrual period? Oh about April 2013. Yes, for an IVF cycle. Haven't a period since. Busy breastfeeding. And any way I couldn't be pregnant because 1. I am infertile and 2. I am a lesbian. She still made me sign a form saying I was emphatically NOT pregnant. Ha! Take that!

I asked her to tell me the results but of course she demurred. And that's when I saw the picture of my lungs on the light box above her desk. And there was a dark section at the bottom my right lung  that looked malevolent. I kept staring at it as I dressed and put on my halter monitor that I have been wearing for three weeks because did I mention I have Atrial Tachycardia that was discovered when I was  8 months pregnant and de-hydrated from the stomach flu. Followed by the Influenza type A, followed by the pneumonia.

I am thinking my lungs might be a bit shadowy because of the pneumonia. But, I get in my car and call the doctors office and give strict instructions for them to find out the results ASAP, STAT, IMMEDIATELY, and call me back. It gets to 3pm and no call. I get the answering service. No, they can't page the doctor for test results. I beg the cold hearted bitch to please make an exception. Finally I tell her I am having bad pains  in my chest ( a clever exaggeration which I am sure she sees through) and to please page the doctor. She puts me on hold and then acquiesces. 45 minutes later the doctor's office calls. My chest x ray is normal. The elation, the "I can live again euphoria". I will never be bad again. I will be grateful and present to my life and  all that is in it.  
 and no call. I get the answering service. No, they can't page the doctor for test results. I beg the cold hearted bitch to please make an exception. Finally I tell her I am having bad pains  in my chest ( a clever exaggeration which I am sure she sees through) and to please page the doctor. She puts me on hold and then acquiesces. 45 minutes later the doctor's office calls. My chest x ray is normal. The elation, the "I can live again euphoria". I will never be bad again. I will be grateful and present to my life and  all that is in it.

Microblog Monday #23: Middle of the night fright

http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2014/09/what-is-microblog-mondays/

Since I've had kids I've been terrified of dying. Terrified. As I lay awake this morning between my sweet sleeping boy and girl I became just petrified about it. The kind of fear when your heart pounds, you feel sweaty and nauseous and you almost get swallowed up by the fear.

My chest has been kind of tight  and painful in the nights recently and I need to get it checked out with my doctor who is so far away and hard to get an appointment with that it's easy to put off. In the stillness I convinced myself I had lung cancer from those 16 odd years I smoked, even though I've been smoke free for another 13 more. My kids have been sick and vulnerable and needy recently  and it reminds me how MUCH they need me and how any separation, temporary or permanent, would be devastating. This is what it's like to be a mother: when your biggest worry is about dying and leaving your children behind, even though it happens all over the world every day, to someone.