I'm not dead. Microblog Monday # 24 - I acknowledge that this post doesn't qualify as micro but it served the purpose of getting me writing for the third week in a row, which is some kind of record around here!

WHAT IS MICRO BLOG MONDAY? 
Check out the link below: 
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2014/09/what-is-microblog-mondays/

So in my last post I was worrying  in great depth and some brevity  about dying young,  I was surprised to read that many of you believed  that this was an irrational  thought brought on by anxiety. I confess I was a little surprised. Surely all moms think like this - but I guess I am one of the few  moms who lie awake at night ruminating about it accompanied by sweaty palms and the chills.

So I went to the doctor and she told me I probably have gastritis, which can be cured by something like the purple pill. Apparently the pain and tightness in my chest and lungs is caused by the pressure from the swollen esophagus that is pushing on the other organs. Oh, and it's stress induced - I am going to save that one for my boss later.... But just to be sure I ask her to get me a chest x ray. The radiology tech almost forgets to ask me if I am pregnant; I feel it is my duty to remind her. My last menstrual period? Oh about April 2013. Yes, for an IVF cycle. Haven't a period since. Busy breastfeeding. And any way I couldn't be pregnant because 1. I am infertile and 2. I am a lesbian. She still made me sign a form saying I was emphatically NOT pregnant. Ha! Take that!

I asked her to tell me the results but of course she demurred. And that's when I saw the picture of my lungs on the light box above her desk. And there was a dark section at the bottom my right lung  that looked malevolent. I kept staring at it as I dressed and put on my halter monitor that I have been wearing for three weeks because did I mention I have Atrial Tachycardia that was discovered when I was  8 months pregnant and de-hydrated from the stomach flu. Followed by the Influenza type A, followed by the pneumonia.

I am thinking my lungs might be a bit shadowy because of the pneumonia. But, I get in my car and call the doctors office and give strict instructions for them to find out the results ASAP, STAT, IMMEDIATELY, and call me back. It gets to 3pm and no call. I get the answering service. No, they can't page the doctor for test results. I beg the cold hearted bitch to please make an exception. Finally I tell her I am having bad pains  in my chest ( a clever exaggeration which I am sure she sees through) and to please page the doctor. She puts me on hold and then acquiesces. 45 minutes later the doctor's office calls. My chest x ray is normal. The elation, the "I can live again euphoria". I will never be bad again. I will be grateful and present to my life and  all that is in it.  
 and no call. I get the answering service. No, they can't page the doctor for test results. I beg the cold hearted bitch to please make an exception. Finally I tell her I am having bad pains  in my chest ( a clever exaggeration which I am sure she sees through) and to please page the doctor. She puts me on hold and then acquiesces. 45 minutes later the doctor's office calls. My chest x ray is normal. The elation, the "I can live again euphoria". I will never be bad again. I will be grateful and present to my life and  all that is in it.

Microblog Monday #23: Middle of the night fright

http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2014/09/what-is-microblog-mondays/

Since I've had kids I've been terrified of dying. Terrified. As I lay awake this morning between my sweet sleeping boy and girl I became just petrified about it. The kind of fear when your heart pounds, you feel sweaty and nauseous and you almost get swallowed up by the fear.

My chest has been kind of tight  and painful in the nights recently and I need to get it checked out with my doctor who is so far away and hard to get an appointment with that it's easy to put off. In the stillness I convinced myself I had lung cancer from those 16 odd years I smoked, even though I've been smoke free for another 13 more. My kids have been sick and vulnerable and needy recently  and it reminds me how MUCH they need me and how any separation, temporary or permanent, would be devastating. This is what it's like to be a mother: when your biggest worry is about dying and leaving your children behind, even though it happens all over the world every day, to someone. 

Moody Monday

http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2014/09/what-is-microblog-mondays/

Pre school drop off brings out the insecure mother in me. The girl that was never good at gravitating towards groups-that-move-as-one resurfaces. She feels awkward, frumpy and out of sync. Today Isobel's hair was so tangled in the back I found myself apologizing about it to her favorite teacher, Ms. L, who is this adorable diminutive blonde that Izzie is crazy about. I pick my battles,  and tangled hair is one that often stays on the back burner. I often feel I am channeling my own mother, slightly socially awkward, shy, self critical. I wonder how she felt on these occasions. I think I know. 

Happy First Birthday, Harry!

It been a year since I wrote a blog post that I published. Although  I just hit publish on a half finished one from July 2014.  A wonderful rich happy year filled with a child on each arm, two kids draped over me, rough housing on the bed, snuggling at night, playing happily side by side ( for about a minute!) and of Isobel exclaiming from time to time, "I love my family!"

A year of a pretty easy baby who slept for long stretches after about 4 months and still sleeps well in my bed and for two hour stretches in his crib.

Also a really difficult year with lots of health challenges for Susan, her career goals moving at a frustrating snails pace for her. And some health  challenges for me, but most of my / our challenges come from me not making enough money in my job to cover all our necessities, being super stressed out by said job - which has the bonus of being 7 mins from my house - which is so disfunctional and messed up that I can't even tell you.

We didn't have to move,  so for the while we can stay in our high first floor apartment whose steps Susan can only climb while holding on with both hands because of her bum knee - meaning she can't take the kids out by herself when I am at work and I have to run home to help with pre school pick ups / drop offs, etc. Not ideal. Where are all the dwellings with only one or two steps to them? In  Chicago they don't seem  to exist. I never thought I would fantasize about living in a ranch house but the time has come.

To get back to the birthday boy, he just learned to drink out of Isobel's straw bottle today! He sucked a whole lot of water out of it!! 

He crawls really fast and stands with assistance. I think he will be walking in a couple of months if not earlier. He waves bye and says bye at night time and if I'm saying bye on the phone or if someone is leaving. He weighed around 20lb or a bit more and was 29 inches tall at his 10 month check up.  He  has a HUGE head which kind of sticks out prominently at the back and which you can notice in the profile pics below. I worry about the shape and  size of it,  but no one else does including the doctor. Harry thinks the world of his sister Isobel, who is currently having a tantrum because she says it's not his birthday. She thinks he's cute but a nuisance who steals all her toys and gets in her way. He's still drinking all breast milk all the time - from a bottle when I'm at work -  and he has been eating solids ( via baby led weaning) since he was about 6.5 months. We are so lazy about feeding him though. We don't have the incentive to get him off formula and onto solids and cows milk that friends who adopted or aren't breast feeding are excited about. So  he gets meals when we remember / there's something he likes to eat / he doesn't scream when we put him in his high chair, and milk the rest of the time. He's ambivalent about food. Sometimes he loves it and sometimes he throws it straight on the floor!

So those are the highlights of his development. 

Isobel is learning all sorts of things. Big words, like topiary and puncture and how to be responsible and helpful via a sticker chart and lots if positive reinforcement.

Our biggest challenge these days seems to be all getting out if the house in time without killing each other and getting enough healthy food into Isobel, our picky eater, who is learning to enjoy healthy good but not necessarily what I think if as filling food. Say like, you know - a hot meal! 

Now here are some pictures from the last year! Isobel is harder to photograph because she's a fan if total nudity in the house and she's much more self conscious about photos when we can encourage her to out clothes in or we take pictures outside. 

There's even one if Susan and me on a date!!! Winders will never cease!!!