Deciding

Firstly thank you all so much for your incredibly helpful, honest, true and compassionate comments. I just want to clarify - I completely know that this is our decision and ours alone, but I really thrive on hearing others opinions and experiences and your words helped me to have a dialogue with myself and my partner in making this decision. It's kind of like when I used to write papers. I liked to read many opinions, weigh them, cogitate, ruminate and then the way forward would emerge for me and I would be able to write the paper and be clear about what I was arguing and how I saw a dominant  theme emerging for me.  So, even though I was asking for help, it was help in the discussion, in the rumination and the unconscious churning, not help making the actual decision. Just in case you think I am a complete nincompoop.  Thank you!

I think most of you are right in what you said. And I did freak out completely about what to do when I had made what I believed was a final decision. In the end  it all did  boil down to regrets, and not knowing and not trying and wanting to do everything I could to keep going in the search for our family picture. So we decided to go ahead.

The caveats and the cautions for those ( including myself and my family)  who have concerns about my health and Susan's are: I am going to go to see a high risk OBGYN in the next couple of weeks and show him all my records from my previous pregnancy and get his opinion. This doctor was suggested by my PCP when I told her of my desire for a high intervention, extremely not naturally focused OBGYN. I have written about this before so I am not going to go into details, but I need that kind of doctor. And she says she knows one who is just the ticket. He does not go by the book, but he knows each patient as an individual and listens to what they say(!) I know I know.  What a concept! But last time I really felt that the risks were not taken seriously by my providers and I honestly felt overlooked until I was in the L and D department  with reduced fetal movement and a c section looming.

Our other promise is to really work on our diet and exercise in the next few months and try to be stronger and healthier for if and when another baby comes ( and for the pregnancy). You all know that this is a really tall order and one of the biggest things many of us struggle with in life. We are not naturals when it comes to cooking, we don't post on Facebook about our three course gourmet meals and naturally sourced ingredients.  We do eat organic when it comes to the dirty dozen and as much as we can afford, which is something that we started to do more of when Isobel started eating solid foods. But  probably the most exciting thing I have made recently is blueberry muffins, which I made tonight   at the behest of Isobel ( and with her help). I learned to bake as a kid who didn't have a tv but who had a mom who was fair to middling at baking. My mom was an earnestly healthy but rather uninterested cook and i am more of the vaguely healthy and extremely uninterested ilk.  We will see. And we are trying.

So I am taking BCPs  ( I took my last one tonight) and started Lupron on Saturday. The transfer is tentatively scheduled for May 10th, the Friday of Mother's Day weekend. Gulp. It seems I might be back in that coveted place of updating you all on the excruciatingly minute details of my FET cycle. Gratefully so.

So thank you. I will keep you all posted. I know how lucky I am even to be in this place. Fair, fat and forty something even though I am.