Yes I am.
I have about five blog posts in my head and I fear they might stay there for a while.
And for those of you who didn't get it - here are The Wombles and this is some background information on them!
The baby:
I think things are okay. I am just starting my 14th week. The week before last I heard the heartbeat three times in one week. I know - just plain greedy. The first at the new midwives' office, the second at the old midwives' office ( who I found out does take my new insurance after all) and the third at the old midwives' office ( and now my chosen one) during the triple screen ultrasound. The rates were, in chronological order: 162, 153, 132. Which made me freak out a little - is the baby's heart getting weaker? Why is the rate going down? The midwives' nurse who I called in desperation on Friday told me it's all within normal limits and it fluctuates. I could not convince her that I needed to come in and hear the heartbeat again. I couldn't convince myself. But I'm still worried. And trolling for a Doppler on the internet.
We got to see the baby and S took a cute little video and the Womble ( more on that later) was wriggling around and being super-uncooperative - which being a rebel myself I admire! But we got to see the neck and the nose bone and they both looked good ( to the U/S tech - to me it was all a blur).
We got the results of the triple screen and because our donor is very young, I was told that my risks are those of a twenty year old. I almost didn't have the triple screen - we had already decided that if the baby has Down's Syndrome we will be fine with that, but the midwife had reminded me that the other two Trisomies that they screen for are "incompatible with life" so I decided to do it. And was glad to get bonus views of the Womble. And I know that I am very fortunate to be carrying twenty year old eggs in this body that is twice that age.
Feeling better:
After reading all your comments and emailing my doctor I decided to extend my med regime a little. So tonight I take my last prometrium pills and this morning I took my last estradiol. I am not sure if it's being almost fourteen weeks, or weaning off the drugs, but I am feeling a lot better. So much so that I was able to deal with a grueling weekend chock-full of activities - a large part of which involved packing and getting ready for movers to come to our house and move some furniture, go to our storage unit and re-claim our very comfy couch which has been there since we cleared the house out in 2006 / 7 to get ready to sell it but the market was tanking and we re-considered. We donated a lot of furniture to a church rummage sale and now our storage unit is lighter and we may be able to down-size! And we ( and the dogs) are both in ecstacy about how comfy our old couch is and how we missed it! We promise never to cheat with another couch again!
Womble:
We decided on this nick-name in bed this morning. We had thought of Pookie and we were lying in bed procrastinating and the name Womble came into my head. It's from my child-hood. I am not going to say more but I wonder if any of you clever people ( esp. Brits - know what I am talking about!) Answers in the comment section - or on a post-card please:)
Still a pessimist:
People have been extremely nice and very excited for us, but despite that I really am having a hard time believing this is all real. I am don't want to spell it out, but let's just say, I am a convicted pessimist.
Blogging:
I have been quite blogging-avoidant recently. The amount of time it takes me to read the blogs on my list and to comment is one of the things that sometimes overwhelms me. Especially when I don't have time to do it in the day. Part of me has realized very reluctantly and with much guilt and self flagellation that I need to step away from the internet more ( and the internet and you wonderful people have been some of my closest friends for over two and a half years now) and develop some connections in the life I have here, in addition to my cyber friends. And that feels like abandonment to me and it's hard. Especially as I am very attached to you all and I believe it is reciprocated. Another thing that strikes me sometimes is that what I know about trying to conceive and pregnancy I learnt from the ALI community. This means that I know a lot about heartache and heartbreak and everything that can go wrong from trying to get pregnant to being pregnant and to loosing a baby. I am not saying that I don't want to hear about my sisters' sorrows and upsets, but I do need to find a way to bring some light into my head around the whole baby issue. Because right now it's pretty gloomy. One thing I know is that I gain tremendous gratification from reading your blogs and commenting and commiserating and cheering you all on. I don't want to stop doing that. I do need to develop my "other life" though. Since S has been in school and we have been TTC I have become more reclusive and less sociable and I realize that I need to feel a community that is geographically close and venture out more into the world, for the sake of myself and of course our Womble.
I don't know exactly what this means for the future of my blogging. I don't think I am going away. I might do things a bit differently. I really don't know. This whole blog-land has been such a saving grace to me, but I am also obsessive about things and I need to find a better balance. I dread saying this because I don't want to hurt or offend anyone - but I do have to be true to how I feel - always trying to be kind in my truth of course.
So that's the low down on life over here.
I appreciate your support and I also appreciate if you don't want to support me after reading this post. I've done a lot of telling myself off over this, so don't feel you have to, but I hope I can handle it if you do feel the need.
xoxoxox
TG:)
18 comments:
Glad to hear all is well. Do not beat yourself up about needing to step away. You need to do what is right for you, Mama. Hugs and warm thoughts heading your way :)
I wouldn't worry about the heart rate. Ours was all over the place too. What they told us about it was that, just like us, the baby's heart rate goes up when he's active and down when he's not. So it can fluctuate quite a bit due to that, which helped me to stop worrying about it.
As far as being a pessimist, don't beat yourself up about it. It's a fun side effect of IF/babyloss. I'm 20 weeks and still think I'm hallucinating this entire pregnancy (even though I can feel the baby move now). It's scary, because we know what can happen. But just take it one day at a time, and be grateful for every day:)
Stepping away from the community is okay. In the beginning of your pregnancy it's scary to hear about what might be going on with others in the community. You'll come back to it, or you might not. It's all about your readiness.
Hang in there, you're doing great:)
Real-life connections are really important - and stepping away from blogland more often in order to make those connections sounds healthy to me. I realized something similar the other day, that I've read so many sad stories on IF blogs that I'm having a hard time believing this pregnancy could go smoothly - so I've stopped reading quite as many blogs myself.
You do what you need to do. But glad things are going well.
Weren't the wombles a tv show or something in England? It sounds familiar but I'm not too sure. Anyway, glad to hear womble is doing well. Can't believe you are 14 weeks already. The time really flies by.
Womble - fantastic! And also great to see you back and catch up with your news. But totally get the feeling of needing to step back a bit.
Thank you for your comments on my blog, I really appreciate your support.
Hugs.
its good to hear from you, im so glad all is going well.
unlike the more sympathetic pp'ers, im going to say -- dont you dare disappear from blogland! i mean, its fine if you dont want to read/comment (i totally get that), but PLEASE keep posting! i've been following along for so long, i want to hear the happy stuff now and read about your little womble's arrival! :D
I am glad things are going well! I understand where you are coming from on stepping away. Along with all the good there is a whole lot of scary bad that comes with reading blogs. I feel the same way at times. Even if you stop reading, I too hope that you continue posting.
Glad to know you are doing ok and I will worry less when I hear your reasoning. Thinking good thoughts for you and the womble!
Good to hear all is ok. It is no picnic cooking20 year old eggs in a 40 year old body... I am sure you are handling it swimmingly.
I am with Offering... don't disappear. I love following you.
Wishing you and Womble all the best!
Wow you did get spoiled with lots of doppler checks, no wonder you're going into withdrawal!
I completely understand about the blogging thing, I too have been feeling that some of the really sad stories weigh me down & then make me worry about my pregnancy, not to mention the time commitment to keeping up with everyone's blogs. Know we'll always be here to support you & you definitely need to do what's best for you:)
Yay for the little Womble!
I used to love the wombles when I was wee :)
I have a doppler that I bought from a medical supply place on ebay and it was a LIFESAVER during my last pregnancy. Any time I was particularly terrified, it was instant reassurance. I can't recommend it highly enough! I think they are only a problem if you use it too often or get addicted to it ;)
Love the nickname Womble, lol.
Take care of yourself, though I selfishly admit a moment of sadness at the prospect of less frequent or no updates...
I am so happy to hear from you! Like the others said, the hb is supposed to fluctuate and I think it starts to slow down a bit with time. I know how hard it is to do so, but take a nice deep breath and accept that loads and loads of pregnancies progress without a blip. :) Your little Womble has already proven itself to be a fighter.
If you need to stop reading the more difficult stories to stay in a good head space-- do so. But I hope you will keep sharing your good news with everyone. Of course if you cannot we can accept that too (drats!). But I know what you mean about needing more real life connections. At some point, we all need to find balance between this virtual place and "real" life.
Oh yeah, we definitely got the Wombles here is Australia so I know what you are talking about - I always thought I was (and have reverted to in pregnancy) Orinoco - food and bed being two of my favourite things.
Glad to see everything is going well. I won't say 'don't worry' as I can't seem to take that advice myself, I will say for you to do what you need to to feel good and if that means blogging less, that's okay.
All the best!
I've often struggled with the balance between healthy on-line connection and support and going to "the bad place" whether or be scaring myself shitless worrying over every possible calamity or hated on pregnant friends or what. And I do love this community so much, would be lost without them, but still get the need for space.
But I will look forward to whenever you surface to share the latest news.
Now I have to go google wombies to see who they were! All I can add is that life balance and time become stretched even thinner once the wee one arrives. So glad the pg is progressing so nicely! Yay for 4 weeks!
This pregnancy stuff is tough! Our little one is giving me heart attacks left and right! Hang in there!!
I hear ya on the blog thing - I tend to have highs and lows in posting and reading along with my friends. I bet we all do. :)
Love the nickname!
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