Thursday, September 10, 2009

I'm still here!

Just wanted all you nice people to know that even though I have been quiet recently I am still here and we still have a plan. I have been a horrible commenter. I read your wonderful blogs on my i-phone and if I am feeling a little more perky I comment, but mostly I don't. I have enjoyed everyone's beautiful belly pics - is there anything finer? I have read about your heartbreak and your excitement. And I am witnessing it all in my own way, but I am too tired to be very communicative. I am just tired and beaten down from work, over-wrought from the emotional roller coaster that is my life on birth control pills and so over all the waiting.

I finally figured out why I was melting down last week - a combination of endless complaints and irrational and irritating phone calls from clients on top of everything else at work meant that for once I could not keep a lid on the boiling pot of hot foamy and very salty water that is my emotions. Afterwards I had the realization that the reason I could not stay in control, under admittedly very trying circumstances, was that the BCPs do something to my tolerance for these things. Like I had had enough! And I had the kind of melt down in front of my supervisor that I have never had. I was mad, I was sad, I was fed up. Fortunately he took it in his stride and was very nice about it. I recovered and moved on. Still I couldn't deal with the ornery clients on the phone - even after a mental health day where I had the most perfect hour of windsurfing and a few more hours reading on the beach. I thought I had it licked, but the next day, I was losing my cool on the phone again. And I actually had the melt down the day after my mental health day. That's when I realized it was bad! He ponied up and went to bat for me with one particularly difficult issue and that felt good. This was not a client, it was a pissy state employee, to whom we are beholden, who was so rude and completely off the mark, in an email that it took up about two hours of my time and my supervisees' time and about half an hour of my supervisor's time to straighten out. All completely unnecessary.

Tonight is my last BCP for a week: the goal is to get a period ( hopefully my last for a long time) start BCPs in a week and by then we should have the infectious disease testing back from the new donor and be ready to go. She should be on or about to be on BCPs. I got the call from the clinic today (though unfortunately not nurse traffic cop but her stand-in) to say that finally the new donor had been evaluated by the doc and the nurse and "everything was in normal limits". Sounds cautiously ok.

I have not been thinking too much about the whole baby thing - trying to keep it at a distance and not getting too excited about it since the last hiccup. I may be excited when (don't want to say if) I get a BFP - but I am not sure. One thing that I know from the ALI community; there are so many uncertainties. I envy those women who sail through conception and pregnancy with not even a hint that anything could go wrong. I honestly can't believe it really happens like that for some people but apparently it's true. I almost feel cruelty towards their innocence. How messed up is that? Actually, the ones I feel the most cruel towards are those who know how we have struggled, but effortlessly "fall pregnant" and never once acknowledge that hearing about it on facebook posts might be a little hard, or even acknowledge that it might be hard, period. There are not too many of those people; they don't even know who they are. I know that all of my true friends and family ( IRL and in blog and message board land) have been incredibly supportive, and solicitous and kind and sensitive.I am grateful for that. Big time!

This was supposed to be a three line - I'm still here - please continue to hang out with me post. But I got a bit long-winded.
Bear with me. I couldn't do it without you all.


glamcookie said...

I'm sorry the BCPs are messing with your emotions. Hope you're feeling better! Thinking of you. {{{}}}

cindyhoo2 said...

The BCPs also did a number on my head. I am so sorry for your emotional upheaval: it sounds really hard right now. Add the pills to more donor waiting issues and it is no wonder you are finding yourself low on emotional reserves. The mh day sounds like a well-deserved break. Hang in there!!! I am so ready for you to be cycling already. :)

anofferingoflove said...

bcps are wicked, wicked things. i turn into the incredible raging bitch while on them (my poor dp!)
hang in there - the good stuff is coming up (im talking bfp here)! :)

i feel the same way about those folks who get pregnant easily. i still have all sorts of ugly feelings that crop up when someone announces an easy or unexpected bfp. dont know if i'll ever be able to let that go...

keep us posted on the cycle progress - im so excited for you!

Best When Used By said...

Sorry to hear that work has crawled under your skin. It's hard to cope with GOOD times when emotions and hormones are bubbling and boiling. But coping with stressful situations can border on impossible. I'm just happy to hear your boss was understanding and helpful. And also good news that your donor is ready to go (within normal limits is medical speak for "perfect"!). I hope things look up for you soon.

Lisa said...

Xoxoxo to you. Your baby is coming. I just know it. Thanks for the update. I was wondering where you were. Take care.

Fran said...

Delighted to hear from you again! Yeppiee for the last BCP, I absolutely hate it too. Everything sounds like it's on track and that's just fantastic. Can't wait to celebrate with you your BFP, I' know it's hard (tell me about "what can go wrong now") but you should try and tell yourself that this may really happen to you. Much love, Fran

Kristen said...

Happy to read an update!
I haven't been on BCPs in, oh a decade or so, but I do know that my own cycle can wreck havoc on me. PMS to the max! Hopefully the week off BCP isn't as much hell as being on them with the progesterone level crashing.
Even now when I'm not ttc, I still envy women who can get pg so easily. It gets easier with time though.

MAJ Bryen said...

Thank you for saying my thoughts better than I could. I'm not a fan on the BCPs either but sure understand the mood swings! Best wishes to you and I hope you are one of the ones who sail effortlessly into BFP land!