I'm still here (with Womble) with video!

Yes I am.
I have about five blog posts in my head and I fear they might stay there for a while.

And for those of you who didn't get it  - here are The Wombles and this is some background information on them!

The baby:
I think things are okay.  I am just starting my 14th week. The week before last I heard the heartbeat three times in one week. I know - just plain greedy. The first at the new midwives' office, the second at the old midwives' office ( who I found out does take my new insurance after all) and the third at the old midwives' office ( and now my chosen one) during the triple screen ultrasound. The rates were, in chronological order: 162, 153, 132. Which made me freak out a little - is the baby's heart getting weaker? Why is the rate going down? The midwives' nurse who I called in desperation on Friday told me it's all within normal limits and it fluctuates. I could not convince her that I needed to come in and hear the heartbeat again. I couldn't convince myself. But I'm still worried.  And trolling for a Doppler on the internet.
We got to see the baby and S took a cute little video and the Womble ( more on that later) was wriggling around and being super-uncooperative - which being a rebel myself I admire! But we got to see the neck and the nose bone and they both looked good ( to the U/S tech - to me it was all a blur).
We got the results of the triple screen and because our donor is very young, I was told that my risks are those of a twenty year old. I almost didn't have the triple screen - we had already decided that if the baby has Down's Syndrome we will be fine with that, but the midwife had reminded me that the other two Trisomies that they screen for are "incompatible with life" so I decided to do it. And was glad to get bonus views of  the Womble. And I know that I am very fortunate to be carrying twenty year old eggs in this body that is twice that age.

Feeling better:
After reading all your comments and emailing my doctor I decided to extend my med regime a little. So tonight I take my last prometrium pills and this morning I took my last estradiol. I am not sure if it's being almost fourteen weeks, or weaning off the drugs, but I am feeling a lot better. So much so that I was able to deal with a grueling weekend chock-full of activities - a large part of which involved packing and getting ready for movers to come to our house and move some furniture, go to our storage unit and re-claim our very comfy couch which has been there since we cleared the house out in 2006 / 7 to get ready to sell it but the market was tanking and we re-considered. We donated a lot of furniture to a church rummage sale and now our storage unit  is lighter and we may be able to down-size! And we  ( and the dogs) are both in ecstacy about how comfy our old couch is and how we missed it! We promise never to cheat with another couch again!

Womble:
We decided on this nick-name in bed this morning. We had thought of Pookie and we were lying in bed procrastinating and the name Womble came into my head. It's from  my child-hood. I am not going to say more but I wonder if any of you clever people ( esp. Brits  - know what I am talking about!) Answers in the comment section - or on  a post-card please:)



Still a pessimist:
People have been extremely nice and very excited for us, but despite that I really am having a hard time believing this is all real. I am don't want to spell it out, but let's just say, I am  a convicted pessimist.

Blogging:
I have been quite blogging-avoidant recently. The amount of time it takes me to read the blogs on my list and to comment is one of the things that sometimes overwhelms me. Especially when I don't have time to do it in the day. Part of me has realized very reluctantly and with much guilt and self flagellation that I need  to step away from the internet more ( and the internet and you wonderful people have been some of my closest friends for over two and a half years now) and develop some connections in the life I have here, in addition to my cyber friends. And that feels like abandonment to me and it's hard.  Especially as I am very attached to you all and I believe it is reciprocated. Another thing that strikes me sometimes is that what  I know about trying to conceive and  pregnancy I learnt from the ALI community. This means that I know a lot about heartache and heartbreak and everything that can go wrong from trying to get pregnant to being pregnant and to loosing a baby. I am not saying that I don't want to hear about my sisters' sorrows and upsets, but I do need to find a way to bring some light into my head around the whole baby issue.  Because right now it's pretty gloomy.  One thing I know is that I gain tremendous gratification from reading your blogs and commenting and commiserating and cheering you all on. I don't  want to stop doing that. I do need to develop my "other life" though. Since S has been in school and we have been TTC I have become more reclusive and less sociable and I realize that I need to feel a community that is geographically close and venture out more into the world, for the sake of myself and of course our Womble.
I  don't know exactly what this means for the future of my blogging. I don't think I am going away. I might do things a bit differently. I really don't know. This whole blog-land has been such a saving grace to me, but I am also obsessive about things and I need to find a better balance. I dread saying this because I don't want to hurt or offend anyone - but I do have to be true to how I feel - always trying to be kind in my truth of course.

So that's the low down on life over here.
I appreciate your support and I also appreciate if you don't want to support me after reading this post. I've done a lot of telling myself off over this, so don't feel you have to, but I hope I can handle it if you do feel the need.

xoxoxox

TG:)