False Advertising - with a warning from the censors ( PG 13)

This whole pregnancy lark is not what I was imagining. Or what I have been led to believe by Lifetime Television.  I know that I say that from the privileged position of being pregnant, which  strikes me as an absolute luxury in the world of IF blogs. It's where I want to be. I hope I don't get flamed for this.  But I have to say it's really hard.
I spent so much time fantasizing about getting pregnant and wondering if it would ever happen and now here I am and  I feel woefully unprepared. And a little disillusioned. I read on so many of my blog friends' posts and message boards about symptoms and bleeding and losses and puking but I don't think I really took  it in. Even if I had, it wouldn't have made for a different outcome.  I'd still have gone through with it. I have a phobia about vomit but I was  practically gungho about the potential of morning sickness!
It's like those people that look at you with foreboding  and warn you that you're going to get no sleep for 10 years and that you are going to be broke and your nipples are going to hurt like they want to  drop off, but you know that they don't regret having their kids and you know that's not going to stop you having them either.
Here is how I imagined pregnancy: a  big tummy, lots of floaty clothes,  a transcendent water birth experience,  wonderful women helping and being  supportive and loving. And the end result: a baby, a little person to nurture and love and to introduce to the world.   I imagined  snuggling with our baby, breastfeeding,  going to the beach and making sand-castles, having play dates, family parties, watching our child looking at the world with excitement and interest and curiosity. We would watch smiles emerge  and hear gurgles and coos, and  we would kiss  owies and reassure our child when she was scared or worried, and over-analyze our parenting skills.  But I did not even consider what this part would be like. And  I didn't know how hard it was going to be to drag myself to work when I feel like shite.

I think I would be okay if I wasn't bleeding again.
It happened at work today, I felt a gush and ran to the bathroom and there it was, more of the same and more and more.  I called the nurse because there was a lot more and and some small clots and she basically told me that because we saw the heartbeat my risk of miscarriage is "only" 10 percent  and the bleeding is probably baby B being "re-absorbed". She said only to worry if there was enough to fill about five pads in an hour. I have been nowhere close to that. Which is good because I had only two pads in my bag and my whole office is full of tampax-loving women.  I mustered up a couple more mini pads to add to my meager stash, which got me through the day.  I have had more clots since then - not the  "huge" ones she talked about on a voicemail  she left while I was running to a meeting. But not small either. No, she said,  I shouldn't go home, resting is not going to do any good. No, an ultrasound is not going to really help and could hurt the fetus because too many ultrasounds mean a lot  of rooting around near your uterus and could endanger the pregnancy. But if I want to have one to ease my mind I can come in.  I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. My next scheduled ultrasound is for a week's time. I am thinking I will wait, because there is nothing I can do either way and I don't want to increase risks to the baby even more. I gotta say, though, Ms Nursie could really do with a crash course in phone-side manner.

So that's where I am today, internets. Still grateful, pissed at my body, hungry and nauseous, exhausted and wishing for a European maternity leave where they penalize you if you don't go out a few months before your due date. Or is that just a rumor that someone concocted to make us all vote for universal healthcare? Either way, I vote for it, and for humane maternity leave policies and infertility treatment coverage. Gotta get down off the soapbox - the couch is beckoning:)