KCMO to CHI-Town IL

Tomorrow we set off back to Illinois - a long trek that is about 500 miles and usually takes us about 12 hours - we like to stop a lot.
I am feeling a little trepidation about the trip - the events of this week have really brought home to me how easy it is to be here one minute and gone the next.
I think I got blaze about the weather and her vagaries, cruelty and unpredictability. Kind of like the sea - beautiful, endless and treacherous.
DP has done much Virgoan ( is that a word) weather and road forecast research. The weather looks good for tomorrow -but I am reminded that as well as the weather we have to be prepared for a**h*le drivers who are in too much of a hurry to care if they tail gate or not.
Oh the melancholy of it all.
I lay in bed last night wondering if a. the roof at home was going to leak and b. a pipe was going to burst as it did last winter when it thawed and ruined our floor and made us nomads for two weeks.
These BC Pills are really kicking my Asselina Jolie.
"they" make me crabbier than an apple, critical, irritable,self-righteous, judgmental and whiny.
I swear I was just plain melancholy before I started taking them.
DP is getting the brunt of it - I ask her to tell me to shut up if I get out of order.
This Monday I call for the injectable meds to be delivered, the week after is when I start them and it's full steam ahead -after endless waiting.
Apart from the excitement of that I am looking for serious adventure - fantasizing about a ski-ing trip ( except I don't think it's a good idea if one is preggers), swimming with dolphins ( and not the usual tourist trap ones either - of course!) trying to get into the Vagina Monologues, doing some serious singing, not working too hard, exercising, losing some of my Extra Hot Grande Ginger Snap Latte fat, sounds like a list of New Years Resolutions.
Which reminds me fondly of my Nanna who was a teeny bit of a hystrionic narcissist - when asked if she was going to make any NY resolutions replied: "Oh, I don't need to make any, dear!"
Signing off for now for good night's sleep and sweet dreams:)
TG:)

The Holiday Inn Express, Warrenton, MO

We drove from Chicago to just south of St. Louis last night on our delayed trip to KC to see DP's mama and sister. We were supposed to go on Sunday, but it was freezing and we decided to wait a day for the roads to de-ice. We had an uneventful trip to St. Charles, south of St. L, stayed with DP's aunt and cousin and a rambunctious puppy and an old doggie and set off this morning for KC.
We had only been going about 20 miles when the traffic slowed and came to a stop. We moved about 1 mile in the next hour. We saw a couple of tow trucks drive past, and decided that the first exit we came to we would get off. The Starbucks we had drunk over an hour ago was making itself known.
It turns out that everyone was getting off I-70 as they had closed the road. There were police cars and police directing traffic and we headed for the Subway for the bathroom and sustenance .It turned out there had been a horrible accident just a short distance west and it involved between 12- 14 vehicles. Two cars had collided when they slid on the ice, the drivers had pulled over, exchanged information and then a semi had ploughed into the back of one of the cars killing one of the men whose fiance was in the car, and starting a chain reaction. Apparently there were ambulances everywhere.
We found out bits and pieces as we hung out at the Subway and talked to fellow travelers. We stayed there for about two hours; the MHP was still not saying when the road would open, so we headed for Walmart where we traipsed around for an hour or so, buying things that we didn't really need and some things we did need. When we got out around 5pm the road was still not open, it was icy and raining and we decided, like many others who were stranded, not to risk the road at night as the temperature dropped.There was a fire truck in the front and we met a fireman in the elevator who was on the phone to someone and saying he was helping out the relatives of the people in the crash. Then later we saw him and he was carrying some black garbage bags and a wallet and we heard him say to his buddy: "this was in the glove compartment". So we figure some of the crash victims' relatives are staying here. It feels so sad and part of me wants to help - but I don't think they really need me and I would not even know what to do. I am good at mental health crises - not traffic accidents.
Someone's day ended today on their trip to see loved ones for the holidays. And probably this kind of thing is happening in other places in the country.
Whenever you pass an accident you slow down, ponder how you are so glad it wasn't you and then speed up again and go on your way. It's human nature I guess. Get on with it. Keep going. Onward. But for those 12- 14 carloads of people there was no driving on today.
I am a little melancholy.
Pray for the families. Think of everyone who is missing a loved one tonight.
Hold each other.
Peace:)

A Christmas Confession

I am a Christmas music junkie! If you met me you would never suspect it - I don't do schmultz really - although I love Judy Garland just as much as any self respecting gay boy, so maybe I protest too much. when I am in my car, I surf between two local radio stations that play Christmas music non stop all day. One of them starts before thanksgiving!
the question I ask myself every day is: how many Christmas songs are there? I mean there must be a number somewhere. And how many times a day do they go through the list of Christmas songs and run out of them and start at the beginning again? Today I was driving to work and I heard Josh Groban's "Oh Holy Night" - which I like - I know I know - I am so not cool. then two hours later I get into my car -same station - and it's playing again!!!!did they just get through all the Christmas songs in two hours?
that was fast!!!
I have a digital radio so if I am not sure who is singing I just look at the display. that's how I found out about Josh Groban ( yeah I am a little challenged in the popular culture arena!)
We had our work party today and it was a blast. Instead of going to a fancy restaurant and spending money that we don't really have, we had an amazing potluck in our newly decorated whitewashed brick, ultra modern but kind of old worldly basement office. The table was beautful and simple courtesy of our Martha Stewart home body types, we had way too much good food, we even had wine ( a first for me at work) and of course, yours truly supplied the Christmas music from my I-pod.
My favorite song: Slade: So here it is, Merry Christmas...
Love it love it. Takes me back to England...
No-one here knows that song. Another favorite, the Live Aid: Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
Och well, that's me for tonight.
O holy night, the stars are brightly shining......:)

sperm, coffee, tv and milk duds

S and I have been having a relaxing evening in front of the fake gas fire with our dogs, cats and the CCB sperm catalogue on line. I already picked out my favorites for her to vet. Of course she has such good taste that she agreed on all my ratings. But now the more I read the more confused I am. I want someone who is more outgoing than I am, happy-go-lucky, because that is what i aspire to be, artistic, musical and who says a few interesting things about himself. And some kind of european ethnicity that has some matches with my English and S's Croatian, french, scots irish. It's a nice distraction from all the waiting and waiting.
I had my hysterosonogram today. I was told to go in with a full bladder and someone told me- not sure if it was someone on the message boards or the nurse that I would have the test with a full bladder. That is horrific for me. I like to pee on the hour every hour. they moved my test up to 1.45pm from 3pm and before I knew it I was leaving work but before I did that I had to do what I always do before I go out - ( well trained, I know) - pee. So mid pee I remember that I shouldn't be peeing and yikes - stop peeing!
Run out of work to get to the clinic and glug my whole water bottle down on the way and pray that my bladder will be nice and full, because ultra sounds don't lie and they will be able to tell I lied, and the receptionist tells me to go pee in a cup. I tell her that I thought I was supposed to save all my pee for the exam - and tell her about my half pee earlier and she laughs her head off.
So I get to do the cup pee thing, get ready for my exam. No full bladder for the exam after all. All goes smoothly. The RE talks about how he is glad he is not a gynecologist while he is examining me - didn't quite understand what that was all about!!!!
Nurse Perky comes to give me my discharge instructions and I am off to work.
I was planning on taking the rest of the afternoon off, but I felt absolutely fine, no cramps, etc - no room for tea or sympathy there - so I went back to work and told anyone who asked how it went: "yes, I have a uterus and it's lovely!"
I swear I cannot keep any of this secret. It might bite me in the a*s one of these days but for now it's working for me.
anyhoo- bed beckons!
sleep tight everyone!
roll on January and the big day!
TG

Blah Blah Blah Brrrrr....

Does every post have to be charming, witty or heartfelt? I don't know - there is a little bit of pressure to do that, but if I stick to that rule I will never write anything!
Today is a blah day. And cold. The house is a mess, S is out studying with other students, I am cold hungry and tired and feeling sorry for myself. I have tons of work to do for work and no inclination whatsoever to do any of it. What a drag. I really am lucky to have a job of course, so I feel bad complaining about the one I' ve got.
Oh and did I mention that the house is a mess? Big time! Motivation = zero!
I still haven't figured out who this blog is aimed at, apart from myself and the bloggers I know out there who I don't know in real life. That means I am not sure how much to disclose about my real life ( as opposed to the fantasy one that I lead here!)
I am still a little shy at talking about my hoo hoo cha cha and what is going on down there - even though that started this whole internet community thing that led me to the blog.
Suffice to say, after being MIA for over two months, AF is back with a vengeance! She is pissed! She is using up all my supplies!
Tomorrow I start BCPs again - not sure what she will think of that!
Then Jan 5th I start sticking myself up good and proper and it's IVF here we come!
Gonna run and make some comfort food for myself - cheese on toast and soup. I think I can manage that.
Ta ta for now!
TG:)

my picture

is of the Isle of Tiree in the Inner Hebrides off the West Coast of Scotland. It is one of my most favorite places on earth. Going there is like going home. The geography is soothing and familiar and awe-inspiring and domestic and rugged all at once.
We spent many childhood summers on this island with our parents. If we weren't there we were on one of the other Scottish Islands: Harris, Lewis, The Orkneys, The Uists, Skye. Those were favorite places too, but we always gravitated back to Tiree.
There is something so comforting about thinking of those long ago and near-to summers. The comforting routine: breakfast, making packed lunches, trekking to one of the 10 or more beaches either by bike, on foot or in the VW van, swimming in the freezing sea, teeth chattering, rubbing ourselves dry with stiff towels that had never felt softener, eating our packed lunches and drinking coffee (something we only drank on the beach to warm us), wading in rock pools, playing cricket or french cricket in the sand, building sand castles, sand boats, sand walls to stem the incoming tide: fighting a valiant but loosing battle to dam the holes in our sand, rock and sea-weed wall against the water. Trekking home, tired and happy and sun and wind-burnt, mom and dad making dinner, us quiet with books and coloring, sitting around the fire after dinner. bed, the same again tomorrow, only interrupted by the vagaries of the scottish weather.
We returned to Tiree three times with our ailing parents in 2001, 2003 and 2005 and we were the ones doing the driving, making the packed lunches, making sure we made enough toilet stops and no-one felt travel sick. We replicated the holidays we had as children only this time, we had our own children with us ( or two out of three of us kids have children so far), we planned routes. We deferred to mum and dad - they had their say too about what we would do, but we held the compass and the map. A strange but common reversal of roles. Those summers were difficult, frustrating, uplifting, precious. Everytime we went these last three times I wondered if we would all be back, if all of us would live to see another trip. I was amazed that my parents made it the last three times. My dad died in April and I miss him so much - he was the explorer that led us to so many wonderful places. We were his band of little followers, sometimes complaining, asking if we were "there yet", wondering how high this or that mountain was, what was that bird? How far was this walk? When were we stopping for lunch?
Now we are trying to have our own little family. DP and I take very similar holidays to those my family took; less walking but lots of outdoors, simple living, water - always water - usually lakes.
I look forward to bringing our little munchkin to Tiree and walking with her or him along our favorite beach, calling to the seals, playing games, looking for shells.
I hope we get there.

no pressure!

Well I found myself on a fellow bloggers' blogroll  - Hi S - thanks for spurring me on! - so I think I better write something to add to my dramatic inaugural posting!

Ho hum - what to write?

I was at the library today ( a smelly branch library that has none of the books I want to read, but it's on the way home from work and convenient - I sit there and order books to be sent from other more exciting and well stocked libraries).

None of the books I wanted were coming up trumps and the thought of coming home empty handed with no books to read after a recent feast of Alexander McCall Smith  was too much to handle, so I browsed and came up with the following five books:

1. IN vitro fertilzation: the ART of making babies (drumroll please!)

2. Conceptions and misconceptions ( the informed consumer's guide through the maze of invitro fertilization and other ART techniques) 

3. end your carpal tunnel syndrome without surgery ( for Z - my DP )

4. Forgotten Ellis Island - the extraordinary story of america's immigrant hospital

5. the center cannot hold ( "the most lucid and hopeful memoir of living with schizophrenia I have ever read" Oliver Sacks).

My apologies to the authors of these books but I am too lazy to write the whole list of  out here. 

My point is that I obviously have a vast array of interests that is stupefying to the average reader. Just kidding. This blogdom is going to my head! 

No really the ellis island book looks interesting  - I have a fascination for hospitals especially old abandoned ones. I am sure that if I ever have this baby we are planning on,  my fascination will be mostly with new ones that are fully staffed!

I also went to NIA tonight at the YMCA - beating on the floor with your poor wee bare tootsies is really quite a painful experience  - but apart from that I had a blast. The teacher is about 55 or 60 and looks fabulous, has more energy than me after my morning de-caf  ( I only need a little to get me going) and rocks with her taste in music too.

Anyhoo, my chickadee has come home from her class and is in need of not being ignored.

love to all and any of you that read my puerile drivel:)

TG