week from hell over....

Thank god! the only thing is - there is sure to be another one just around the corner. (yes - it's me - glass not just half empty but with barely a drop in it!)That is the nature of my job and it is so frustrating and disheartening.
That's all I am saying - a blog isn't exactly a private diary now is it?
Well I will say this -it might be bearable if I knew there was an end in sight. My "end" was going to be the end of my nine month pregnancy when I would hang up my hat gracefully and take a year off to be a new mom ( albeit a poor mom) and a more homebody type partner to S. ( well we can dream!)But the nine month clock is not even ticking yet.
I keep on telling myself I will learn to meditate and it will make the bits in between work less stressful and I won't spend my spare time ruminating about it. Then when I have some down time I don't feel like learning to meditate! I have tapes and CDs and even stuff downloaded on my I-Pod. Get this: the other day we were getting ready to do some cleaning and I like to listen to my I-Pod when I am cleaning sometimes if S is working or something - so I said: "Oh I know, I'll listen to my meditation tracks while I am cleaning." And then I realized that perhaps that was not the best way to learn to meditate. I mean, aren't you supposed to sit still or something? So that was as far as I got!
The baby news is that I have an appointment at the Big Business Baby Factory to see a new doc. He was the third on my list (still highly recommended)and he helped someone in my support group get pregnant after a whole litany of mechanical type fertility problems. I think of my fertility issues as less mechanical and more about attrition! My eggs are just beaten down and tired!
Yes it's an old white guy again! The younger white guy and the middle aged white woman ( also highly recommended) were unavailable till the end of Feb and beginning of March. I couldn't wait that long. So I have an appointment for Feb 13th at 11am. I hope my honey can come, but she has taken so much time off work recently with school she may not be able to. I have to gather all my records and immunizations and blood work together again.
I have decided that if they say it's a no go I want to try either egg donation or embryo donation. I have a feeling they will give me at least one more try.
So that's the news from Lake Woe-is-me-will-I-ever-get-pregnant!
On the good news front, the cabaret class that I am taking is fun fun fun! and I am thinking of signing up for the third time to train for a triathlon - no, I never finished any of them! This time last year when I signed up for it I was thinking I would train until I got pregnant and see how I felt. Ho hum!
I would love to finish a triathlon. We'll see how it goes!

day from hell... trying to decide...knackered!

Well, that day was a long one. The day I called in sick and then called my messages and figured out I could not be sick and today was just inappropriate to have a mental health day. Other people were having mental health issues and it was my job to deal with them. Or to supervise those dealing with them. I got home at around 9pm which is early for one of those crisis laden, many layered crazy days.
In between all this today I was on the phone to my insurance to make sure the second opinion was covered. It is! I just have to figure out where I am going for it.
I have been perusing the stats for my state and the different clinics that I could visit.
I am most interested in percentage of live births in my age range achieved with the women's own eggs. The numbers are not good at all - ranging from 0 - 12 %. Stats mess with my head - there are so many variables - # of live births per cycle, per retrieval, per transfer, etc etc.I am interested in meeting with a doctor who has had some success in my age range without using donor eggs, because this is my last ditch effort to figure out if I can use mine. Any RE can tell me about donor eggs and how easy that will be. So I am debating. The small friendly clinic that I picked has 0.000000% in my age group. So I am reconsidering going there and I think I will go for the clinic that is in the 12% range. Not that I am pinning my hopes on them, but I figure they must have some tricks up their sleeve.
So that's all for now.
The couch beckons.
ta ta for now:)

Hope floats

I didn't know where that phrase came from until it popped into my head a day or two ago. I just googled it and it's a movie I have never seen: the tagline is:
"When life fell apart, love fell into place"
Hmmmmmmm.......
Not sure if that quite fits, but I did feel like my life was coming apart for a few days. Saturday, when we found out, was the too busy to feel day - some time to tell a couple of people but no time to think what it meant; Sunday was tell a couple people at church day...yes, I have told a lot of people of our journey and actually strangely it does not bother me that we have to tell them that reality does not always go the way we want it to go. Monday, was get really angry at S and at the guy whose dog slipped it's leash and went after my dogs day - a day I believe I yelled and cried and felt resentful and railed against the not fairness of it.
Tuesday, inauguration day, I could not get out of bed to go to work. I missed the whole thing - I was walking our dogs when it happened and then driving to work, as I was late. Our cable was not working so I could not watch it at home. The whole nation was celebrating and I could not muster up any kind of excitement or interest - I feel a little ashamed about that. I still have not watched it. I saw his face on Yahoo and Aretha's hat and that was that.

I know - the ice caps are falling off, the new president of the USA is full of hope, the are wars everywhere, and I am a ball of heavy cotton wool.

I did barely any work on Tuesday. I felt like I was in slow motion and had tunnel vision. It took me all my energy to move my head from side to side. On Wednesday I researched second opinion doctors, which is hard to do because they all want you to come in for an appointment to talk so you could spend a lot of time talking to any number of docs.
I tentatively called my clinic and asked for a release for my medical records. I was told I needed to speak to a nurse and sign a form and no-one has called me back, which is interesting as they normally do.
I have an appointment for next Wednesday with another doc. I have no illusions about this one - I don't think she is going to sweep me off my feet and hand my lovely young eggs back to me. I just want to hear it from someone else, or find out that there may be one protocol that is worth a try and I can figure out if the odds are worth it. It does seem to be about odds - a gamble - who would have thought it?
Anyway, back to hope floating...
Throughout yesterday I felt less like cotton wool soaked in cement and with the thinking about options, I felt a little hope floating to the surface of my self. It is still there, bobbing about.
I know it's a gamble: money, time, odds, etc etc.
I do have some hope that maybe something will work.
I know that I still want to be pregnant and still go that route.
And yes, I have thought about adoption!
Keep on floating, Hope!
PS
the nurse called me back today to talk about me getting my records. She apologized for not calling me yesterday but she was too busy."It was crazy yesterday and today - I just couldn't get to the phone." Then I realized - the clinic is awash in women getting their eggs retrieved and that should have been me! grrrrrrrrrrrrr......

One lonely follicle...

That's what I got. After 300 IU Follistim 2x per day and 75 IU Menopur 2x day i got one little follie.
I was so nervous going to the RE for my ultrasound today. I knew it was bad after my visit on Wednesday, so I really was not very hopeful. The ultrasound was very quick - I got my hopes up when I saw him marking a spot on the slide, but then I sat up and he said "you only have one follicle and we need three or four, I'm sorry, we are canceling the cycle."
I asked him what my options were and he said egg donation. I asked him about embryo donation and he said he would have to check to see if they had any?!!!!
Then I went into the consult room and Susan was waiting for me and we talked to the nurse who was quite sweet. We talked a little about our options- Susan asked some questions, we left. We are going to think on it and maybe schedule a consult in a week or two. Maybe find another RE. Do some research and thinking. Talk to the money gods!
The nurse said we would be getting a call from their psychologist. I really don't need to talk to a psychologist - I have a therapist, and Susan and I can talk about it together.
When we got home from our travels today there was already a message on our machine from the shrink. I didn't listen to it yet.
the rest of the day has been incredibly social - no time to sit and think or wallow in it.
I know this is an uninspired post, but I guess there is a good reason not to be inspired right now.
more later:)

Day 5 of stims and a big fat 0

Not looking good.
At the ultrasound, doctor grumpy basically said it looks very quiet in there, there are no follicles to measure and although the antral ones are still there that's all there is.
I go for another U/S on Saturday am, armed with my trusty DP for moral support, and he said that they need to see something then for it to be a go.
I am pumping myself full of heavy duty high dose meds and nothing.
To me, that spells lots of words that are expletives.
I cried on the way to work, ran my staff meeting, worked some more and left at 4pm, after having a grande gingersnap latte.
It already feels like it is over.

Day three and holding...

Apologies to any of you non IVF or TTC obsessed people out there ( I don't think there are many, are there? !!) but I am pre-occupied with the "test tube baby" project right now.

So DP and I sat down with my meds on Saturday am and slogged our way through the instructions, the syringes,the sticks ( almost put the wrong intramuscular needle on a subcutaneous shot): she shot me up and I got all impressed with her nursing skills.

Every few hours on Saturday, I would say, with excitement and expectation to DP - is it time for another injection yet?!!! I mean, the more injections, the nearer I am to my goal, right? I mean, why can't I take all the meds at once and get some big fat follicles quickly! Just kidding!

For you detail oriented readers here are the stats: 300mg follistim BID, 75 IU Menopur BID.

And now it's the end of day 3 and I am feeling like an old junkie ho!

Ultrasound is on Weds am and I will be asking questions. Any suggestions?
Prizes for the best ones...

thanks, peeps, for reading.

It looks like I am f.uck.e.d. or am I?

How many antral follicles is "good"? I had nine total today.

"There is not a perfect answer to this excellent question. Unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world, and some ovaries have not yet read up on antral follicle counts to know how they are supposed to respond to stimulation. Antral follicle counts can also be somewhat "observer-dependent". This means that if we had several different trained ultrasonographers do an antral count on a woman, they would not all get exactly the same result. Therefore, what we decide looks like 6 antral follicles, at another clinic might have been read as 4 or 8, etc.
From our own observations and experience, here are some general guidelines:
Total number of antral follicles
Expected response to injectable ovarian stimulating drug (FSH product) and chances for success
Less than 4
Extremely low count, very poor (or no) response to stimulation and a cancelled cycle expected.
Should seriously consider not attempting IVF at all.
Rare pregnancies if IVF attempted.
4-7
Low count, we are concerned about a possible/probable poor response to the stimulation drugs.
Likely to need high doses of FSH product to stimulate ovaries adequately.
Higher than average rate of IVF cycle cancellation.
Lower than average pregnancy rates for those cases that make it to egg retrieval. The reduction in success rates is more pronounced beyond age 35.
8-10
Somewhat reduced count.
Higher than average rate of IVF cycle cancellation.
Slightly reduced chances for pregnancy as a group.
11-14
Normal (but intermediate) count, the response to drug stimulation is sometimes low, but usually good.
Slight increased risk for IVF cycle cancellation.
Pregnancy rates as a group only slightly reduced compared to the "best" group.
15-26
Normal (good) antral count, should have an excellent response to ovarian stimulation.
Likely to respond well to low doses of FSH product.
Very low risk for IVF cycle cancellation. Some risk for ovarian overstimulation.
Best pregnancy rates overall as a group.
Over 26
High count, watch for polycystic ovary type of ovarian response.
Likely to have a high response to low doses of FSH product.
Higher than average risk for overstimulation.
Very good pregnancy rate overall as a group, but some cases in the group have egg quality issues and lower chances for pregnancy.

Female age under 35
Female age under 35 Chart
IVF live birth rates are lower with reduced antral follicle counts.
Young women with high antral counts sometimes have egg quality issues.

Female age 35-39
Female age 35-39 chart
Women 35-39 have intermediate success rates. Higher antral counts show better success.

Female age 40-42
Female age 40-42 Chart
Women 40-42 have substantially lower success rates.
Success rates are best with more than 12 antrals. "