happy-go-lucky

Fifteen months! I know, nifty title!

2012-01-17T20:29:00.000-08:00

It's all true! Isobel is indeed, true to the title of the post, fifteen months today.
No, not one year and three months, but fifteen months. I guess you start counting different when you have kids. It's my birthday on Sunday and I am going to be 44 - or 528 months! Holy moly! But I digress.

It is also a year ago since Isobel and I went out into the world of meet ups and baby n me classes and baby massage. Since I went solo in the day time and dragged my poor three / four month old everywhere with me in an effort to "get out and about" and to make mommy friends. Now we have known those people for a whole year, their babies are now toddlers and we all still enjoy each others' company. Oh wow, that sounds so hokey and idyllic I know. It wasn't without some trials and errors along the way. And seriously we didn't make fast friends with everyone we met. But the ones who have stuck have stuck and I'm so glad Isobel has friends and so do I.

I have to tell you that is Isobel has definitely perfected the art of scooting. Yes, she was doing it at the one year mark post, but now she is absolutely proficient. She can do it with both hands, one hand or no hands. She can do it backwards! She can scoot holding something in both hands. Naked or clothed. Outside or inside. On the wet grass or the soft sand. Isobel's scooting brings smiles to the faces of sour puss strangers and opens up many a conversation with a passer by. It often brings criticism in the form of "get that child off that filthy floor!" But really one cannot stop Isobel scooting if there is a flat surface that her mamas deem vaguely sanitary!

Isobel continues to turn into a fun sweet and yes, still Happy-Go-Lucky toddler. She loves reading books by herself (and just tonight started putting the books right side up while reading them!), "sorting" clothes - which usually means throwing them around her neck or over her shoulder, playing peek a boo ( still a favorite), doing laps around the kitchen island, carrying her baby dolly around and putting her hat on. She becomes frustrated if she can't put the dolly's hat on and asks us for help if she can't do something ( we think it's "help" - although it sounds a bit like a whine!) She has figured out how to make her cars go forwards sometimes ( though they often still go sideways) and has matched her first shape ( a star ) to its corresponding hole. She loves fridge magnets and just got some magnetic animals and letters so our fridge door is very full. She recognizes her favorite song, The Adventures of Isabel by Natalie Merchant, introduced to her at a very young age by this lovely blogger and bops and dances to it, as she does to most music.

Isobel can identify and say the words for cat and pig and she knows a cow says moo and makes a very cute monkey sound. Her favorite words at the moment are cool and no ( with a shake of the head - where did she get that shake from - I don't shake my head when I say no!) She has taken her own shirt off and loves to get in the bath and play independently with her toys, while I sit next to her and get splashed every so often. Our Christmas lights are still up on our mantelpiece and they reflect on the ceiling and walls with big circles of light - which delight her. At night time we turn all the big lights off and all just look at the LED light show and marvel at it. Last night Isobel deliberately sat down in a red circle of light that was reflected onto the carpet.

Our little free spirit really hates having her feet covered - to the point that when we tried putting footed pajamas on her after a long hiatus, she cried and screamed till we took them off. Socks and shoes get similarly short shrift - although the other day she kept them both on for about 3 hours - in the car, at the play date and home again. Not sure what that was about but it has not been repeated.

Yes, we live in a technological age and ours is quite a techy household, thanks mostly to mommy. I would still be in the dark ages without S, but we have our fair share of technology beginning with "I" and one beginning with flat screen "T". Yes, Isobel knows what the remote control is and she picks it up and says "T" when she wants to watch. Yes, I know, horrible mommies. When I was pregnant and before, I would never have expected myself to let my kid watch TV, and I wish it was in a different room hidden away, but it's in our living room and it's omnipresent. And we like it. We usually only watch when she has gone to bed, and we let her watch kids TV when we are exhausted or sick or both. She usually loses interest after 10 minutes or so. And her favorite I Pad app was Peekaboo barn for the longest time but she has suddenly developed an intense dislike of it and cries and shakes her head if we try to put it on.

For those of you who are shaking your heads at our TV watching, I have to tell you that she is deeply interested in the guitar, dulcimer and banjo that we have in our dining room and can bang a lovely rhythm on the drum. And just started doing Wiggle worms, where she dances in the middle of the room to the music and practically ignores me - which I take as a welcome sign that she is securely attached to me. To my delight does look over her shoulder to check that I am still there and that I am taking notice of her.

We have had our second and third cold / virus and also experienced vomiting in a taxi in her new convertible car seat. Fortunately we were inches from home and the clean up wasn't too bad. Just call it a rite of passage.

And of course you want to know if she is walking. Well, she took her first steps about a month ago and for a few days was interested in practicing sporadically, usually in the evening, and usually her walking and standing practice was permeated by bouts of walking around on all fours in a circle. But then she stopped and has not really tried since. Except today she pushed a cart along at our play date, and at Wiggleworms when we were doing a circle game and everyone was walking, she let me guide her by holding her up and she actually propelled herself forward with some motivation. And she stands all the time - usually leaning on something while she does it. We are trying really hard to be cool about it. "She'll walk when she is ready.."

Did I tell you about her divine scooting?

Happy Fifteen Months, Isobel, from your besotted mama and mommy!

at the park on the last warm day in January

swinging!

tired or thoughtful?

sorting the beers in the fridge

doing maintenance on baby dolly's stroller!

Chris is getting a lumpectomy tomorrow! Please send all the healing vibes you can. Consider her fabulous fundraiser. Thank you

2011-12-14T19:36:00.000-08:00

We are all touched by cancer one way or another. I wrote about the Hartfords here and asked for your help and support as they negotiate this difficult journey together, as we lift them up and send love and blessings to them. And soft, warm, restorative... cash. Which they need to help them through and to provide the concrete things that we all need in our daily lives, plus help with medical bills and such-like.

Chris Hartford thanks us for our gifts and gives an update on her progress.

(Visit her fabulous fundraiser here!)

Hello Everyone!
I realize it has been awhile since I’ve updated everyone on my process, and wanted to reach out to share where I’m at these days.

After my experience at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance, I set out to find someone who could be of better assistance to me in regards to overseeing my whole care. After some research, I found a body of practitioners called naturopathic oncologists. I wish I would have know about this field 2 months ago! There are only 9 in Washington, and they train alongside medical and radiation oncologists to serve the population of folks who want to integrate individual holistic care with conventional cancer care. A Dr. named Leanna Standish was referred to me by a friend who is cancer free from Stage III colon cancer. I met with her last week and I breathed a sigh of relief, feeling a great weight off my shoulders from managing this on my own. She is very experienced, skilled and gracious. She immediately sat down and said, “Well, it looks like you’ve had a little brush with breast cancer!” We talked at length about all of my options and agreed to take it one step at a time, do surgery, get reports back and talk again, She was very reassuring about my health, good prognosis, and has little concern there would be any surprises with my cancer. I left her office with a prescription for walking and journaling everyday. That’s much harder than I thought!

So, from a timeline point of view, here’s what it looks like. Surgery on the 15th to do a lumpectomy. I’ll be doing it here in Bellingham with a skilled surgeon I trust. He’ll remove the lump with 1cm margins and what’s called my sentinel lymph node and test it to see if cancer has spread there. They will know that result immediately. The surgery is at 8am, will last 2 hours and unless there is lymph node involvement, I will go home the same day. They will send test results out and I meet with the surgeon to interpret them a week later. That’s when we come up with an initial follow up treatment plan, that may include a 7 week course of radiation. I think my recovery time should be quick, but I’m not to lift for 1 week. We’ll see how that goes in my house!

I wanted to thank everyone for your warm wishes, prayers, and generous donations to help with costs. I can’t share enough how much your contributions are helping our family. This diagnoses came at an unfortunate financial time and we have been month to month with expenses and rising medical bills. While it can be an awkward and uncomfortable position to be in, asking for help, if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t know the extent that my friends, family and people I’ve never met are rising up to encourage and support our family. Please accept my deep appreciation. We will update everyone post surgery and hope to send good news your way.

Blessing on your Holiday Season,
Chris Hartford and Family

November: white

2011-11-30T20:23:00.000-08:00

Most of these were taken around Lake Michigan, Chicago side. Yesterday during gale force winds, the water was wild and white capped and the sky was gray and cloudy (upper right), today, the water and the sky were blue, the wind was calm, but there were still white caps (center). Photo credits go to Tireegal and her lovely spouse Zagrepcanka.

Inspired by An Offering of Love's photo project

Photo Friday!

2011-11-18T21:41:00.000-08:00

Sgetti Face!

Pay it forward!

2011-11-16T09:01:00.000-08:00

My friend, Melina is engaged in the fight of her life, for her friend Chris, her husband and their four daughters.
Please read her beautiful blog post and learn about mom Chris, their amazing daughter Madrona,

and their need for our prayers, love, light and financial support. Please share this with your family, friends, blog list, twitter peeps, facebook friends, e-mail groups etc as you are able.

Chris and her four girls on a hike:)

This is a story of Hope with a capital H and you can be part of it.

October: Orange

2011-10-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

Inspired by An Offering of Love's Color Photo Project

Happy Birthday, Isobel! A Year in Pictures

2011-10-17T21:32:00.000-07:00

The first birthday club!

2011-10-16T22:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true, Isobel is one! Even if I can't get the date stamp on Blogger to say October 17th, it is exactly 12.18am on October 17th, gosh darnit!

We celebrated her today by baptizing her at church ( where else, I suppose - except the big Lake M - but a little chilly for that I venture?) in very interesting but probably not literally holy water from Lake Michigan and some sacred place in Turkey whose name I have forgotten, in a font that came from England but is now ensconced ( or enfonted?) at the very front of our church sanctuary.

Isobel in her Halloween costume, as Blackie the Cat!

The only way to keep Isobel happy when she is out and about seems to be to put her down and let her make her way around by herself by her various modes of self propelled transportation - either the crawl or the one handed butt scoot. The scoot is very convenient for carrying objects around while moving forward. Recently she has scooted and crawled in a very busy and very loud Top Shop, Target, the Lobby of the Peninsula Hotel where a friend and I went for afternoon tea after the aforesaid Top Shop. No I didn't buy anything at Top Shop and I have to say it was very very loud and full of extremely trendy 12 year olds who were masquerading as shop assistants. They were actually very sweet but it was a bit much. When I was growing up in England, Top Shop was where you went for cheap, slutty clothes. I guess not much has changed except the prices. And the proclamation above certain clothes racks that this is "available in a size zero" which was never in evidence in my youth when I might have even fitted into a single digit size. But I digress.

Isobel has crawled in many places and cleaned the floor with many very cute pairs of cotton leggings, which are her parents preferred mode of dress for her, especially if they are on sale at Target. She has also nursed in many places too, which is just another exciting list that I am compiling, with the most fun and exotic location so far being the top of the John Hancock Tower. But today Isobel crawled around in the sanctuary in her sweats and hoodie while we prepared for the service and rehearsed with the choir. Then when she had been changed into her pink corduroy pinafore dress ( jumper to you yankees) and white tights, she crawled around holding her new sensory nubby orange ball for all to see. It bounces, it's tactilely interesting, it's a bright color. And it kept her occupied and unfettered until it was time to pick her up and hold her ( mostly squirm free) by said font where words were read, promises were made and water was splashed thrice upon her head. She didn't seem to mind the water a bit. She was fascinated by it as well as the minister's beard, which though recently tamed and trimmed, was still quite substantial. She managed to hold it together until after she was formally introduced to the congregation - who also made promises. At that point I put her back on the floor and she played with the microphone chord as the minister did his last pronouncements. Phew. Sigh of relief. Now Isobel can go downstairs to the nursery and play with her tights off and her hair down ( figuratively of course - there were no fru fru bows in sight).

So what is Isobel doing these days that is new and interesting, you ask? She is busy scooting, sorting clothes and putting them over and behind her head, playing peek a boo, trying to say my name and possibly Susan's. Her most recent interest is in toy strollers and the baby dolls that go in them. We actually bought her one for her birthday. She likes to put the doll into the seat head down and then pull the stroller over and wrestle with the whole contraption for quite some time. When we go for playtime at a local child development center she likes to play on the slide (trying to climb up it and smiling when I hold onto her and slide her down it), spend time in the library examining all the books - and often readin them upside down - I think we have a theme here. She loves circle time where the teachers take it in turns to roll the ball to each child singing a little song and saying each child's name, as well as rocking up and down, forward and back to the songs we sing. I think she has started to do the actions for Itsy Bitsy Spider a few times without any prompting. She can do bits of Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes. When she is with other kids she often wants to be with the big kids, or else by herself, carefully examining something, or engaging adults in flirting, conversation or peekaboo. She is quite partial to the toy work bench and tools at the play center too. At the park she loves the baby swings and giggles and smiles when she is being pushed.

Her new DVD favorite is Fifi and the Flowertots, which was given to us by one ofour Croatian friends. It is actually a British Show and comes with Croatian or English dialogue. I found the US show online, but the version we have has a very quirky Jane Horrocks, of Mike Leigh films fame, playing Fifi with a lovely Yorkshire ( or is it Lancashire?) accent.

We are all very excited because Isobel's Grandma Margaret is visiting unexpectedly. We thought she wasn't going to be able to come until next spring, but she is coming on Sunday for a week! We are really looking forward to showing her a good time -which mostly will involve hanging out and doing fun things with Isobel.

I am working ( with Susan doing all the clever stuff) on a post with pics from all twelve months of Isobel, but I-Photo did some nasty trick and ate our file and spat out lots of other pictures instead, so that will have to wait until we have more time and patience.

I am also working on Isobel's birth story post - only slightly delayed by the wonderful events of the last year. More anon. Thank you for watching and cheering us on. We love you all. Even those we don't know. xoxo

September: Purple!

2011-10-05T21:38:00.000-07:00

Clockwise from top left - Isobel McGorgeous wearing her purple headscarf and about to board the Caledonian MacBrayne Ferry on the Isle of Tiree, Isobel in her purple outfit, the ubiquitous purple baby store, Isobel's auntie Chayley in an English country garden, a favorite rummage sale toy that plays Oh My Darling Clementine in short bursts as you punch its tummy.

Ten and eleven months

2011-09-23T20:56:00.000-07:00

It's been way too long, and the longer it gets, the worse it feels. Posting, I am talking about, of course.
SO much has happened over the past two months and I had so much to talk about and now, where did it all go.
In my queue for posts at a later date - which I hope will come:

Scattering our parents ashes
Visiting our home town and taking part in a memorial service for my mum
Visiting our old house, which was sold three years ago, and peeking in through the front window to see what it looked like
Flying with Isobel plus, trains, ferries and automobiles, oh my!
Funny, weird and great things about being back in the UK, including beds AKA torture racks from HELL
Introducing Isobel to her 7 year old cousin, Murray. He and his mum christened her Isobel McGorgeous and doted on her the whole time.
Going back to work and leaving Isobel in the capable hands of her other mom.

And much much more... ( I know, exciting isn't it?)

But back to the subject of the post: Isobel's last two months and the march ever forward to her first birthday!
There have been some huge strides forward. Mostly in engagement with the world, understanding of words and how things work, and crawling towards standing and maybe soon walking. Teething did not happen practically the whole month of August when we were in the UK. Which was good for everybody. But more teeth are in and on their way. She now has three visible top and bottom. And more coming in.
She surprised us all with her first non mama word - cat!
We were reading her a book about a black cat ( similar to ours ) called Slinky Malinky, and she pointed to the cat in the book and said, "cat", three times while pointing at the cat. That was followed by endless exclamations of the word at all times of the day and night. Now she usually reserves it for when there is a cat in the vicinity. Next words were "toes" - as in, "where's Isobel's toes?" a game her cousin Murray and her auntie Chayley we liked to play with her. Since then she has said "down" - as in "get down" and "go". This is all to her other mom's credit, because she talks to her a lot and is always looking for teaching moments. Me, I tend to be much more of a quiet companion for Isobel. Good job there are two of us, or Isobel may have never uttered a word. Oh and the other day she said "hi" to a passer by in the street.
In motor skills news, she is a fantastic and avid crawler and now loves to stand up, pull herself up, get in corners that she has no business to be in and crawl under chairs and tables. She crawled under a big heavy chair at the hospital the other day when I had an appointment and had to be rescued. It hasn't deterred her from more exploring.
When we were in the UK we discovered a childrens TV series called "In the Night G.arden", which is like the Telly Tubbies but a lot better, and she got really interested in it, especially as a bedtime ritual. Now she knows all the songs ( it's very repetitive, which is good) and claps and wiggles and dances when Makka Pakka's song comes on. If you haven't checked it out, google it. There is even an "In the Night Garde.n" app for the I Pad and phone.
The biggest highlight of the trip for me was Isobel's equanimity at all the traveling. She didn't mind being pulled in and out of the carrier so we could go through security, she made lots of friends along the way, and she loved being on the train and standing up on the seat while I held her so she could look out of the window. The Er.go carrier was an absolute lifesaver and helped her to take naps when we were on the go, and helped me keep her close and secure when we were changing trains, or walking t the store, or in the park. She never christened her little surfer dude suit that we got her for "swimming" in the sea, but she did have a ball on the beach, crawling and throwing sand and eating it as well.
She makes all kinds of sounds as she explores her verbal ability and one of these is clicking with her mouth, which we refer to as her African Clicking Language.
Oh and the kicker - tonight she picked up the TV remote, pointed it at the TV and turned it on. She looked back at her mommy to show how pleased she was with herself. Classic!
Okay it's late and I am wiped, so here is a link to our September pictures: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cybersue/sets/72157627576601465/

Very late but very green

2011-09-23T20:51:00.000-07:00

Here are our green photos - taken mostly on our holiday in August in England, Scotland and Wales. When I say we, I really mean we. Susan is the mastermind behind these photos. I mostly nag her to take them and to download them and to make them into a collage. I should have said this before. I have taken some of the pictures on these posts, but most of the credit should go to Susan.

You can find a link to all our "green" photos here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cybersue/sets/72157627738248802/

Nine months, a fortnight, and 50 percent

2011-08-04T20:35:00.000-07:00

Something about the weather getting so hot (and stormy too) has caused me to look back on what life was like this time last year. I remember going to the grocery store a lot and as time went on, I would say yes more and more to the offered help out to the car. I walked slowly. I sweated. I had all sorts of icky symptoms that I would have forgotten if it was not for the list I have in my I-phone that I made prior to some of my midwife and OB/ GYN visits. It makes for hilarious reading (in retrospect). At risk of a big fat TMI, my favorite note was "funny vulva" - who knew? I was doing most of the shopping at that time and I "lifted" a lot of big boxes of cat food cans at Sam's Club by not really lifting them so much as pushing them off the shelves until they dropped into my cart. On my last visit as a pregnant lady I gave in and asked a stranger to help me get the boxes into my car. Those days are over. I am back to being the lifter in the family.

And here we are, in the middle of summer, many months later, with a baby, who has the most energy of anyone I have ever met. Boy am I glad Isobel is out of my tummy! And that she came out unscathed. Especially when I think of how scary my pregnancy was, and how scared I was.

Back to Isobel and her milestones. Not sure what to call her, but infant she is not. She is getting to be a really avid crawler. Some of the fun things that she is doing are growling louder than ever before, and giggling and cackling as she crawls around. She also loves to do this thing that is half way between a shout and a drone, and often Susan will join in with her, and they will drone away together. When Susan changes note or key, Isobel will often follow suit. She loves to wave. Often at appropriate moments, like when we say bye-bye, sometimes for no apparent reason and at nothing that we can see in particular.
Her word recognition is pretty interesting. We are pretty sure that she understands mama, bouncy bouncy ( one of her favorite activities ), avocado, banana, some simple commands, and her name. When we encourage her to touch something she usually follows our direction. She has moved on from just chewing at books to opening and closing them over and over and turning the pages.
One of her favorite toys is a large chain of huge hollow colorful beads about the size of a kiwi fruit. They pop together and she can pull them apart. I have no idea what they are called, because we got them loose at a rummage sale. I was not very impressed when I first saw them, but Susan picked a winner and Isobel loves them. She especially loves to blow and call into the hollow end of the beads and make a kind of echoing sound. She will also do this with her empty happy baby cheerios container. After a search online, Susan has found out that they are called F.isher Price Snap Lock B.eads. Wow. We need to buy shares in them.

In our limited space in the apartment she usually hangs out in her room, which is basically a play room and almost completely babyproof (she sleeps with us), and the living room, which is not so baby proof. It has two features that fascinate her. One is the small flight of stairs that go up to our front door. The other is our faux fireplace that has a brick hearth and an iron "curtain" that leads to the very enticing logs and the small pieces of gravel under them. We have on our list to get a barrier for the fireplace, which we don't even use, as our tv is on the mantelpiece and we don't want to melt it. But in the meantime it's watch her like a hawk because she always gravitates towards them. We have covered the hearth with huge cushions, which she just sees as something to climb over.

Isobel loves music, loves to dance to it in rhythm and to do what we call "rock and roll" -which is when she moves backwards and forwards in time to the music and also bounces up and down. We have a drum that she likes to play and she is pretty good at banging it in time also. We have noticed that with almost every new object that she picks up, from a baby doll, to my keys, she likes to put them behind her head, and wave them side to side and back and forth. It's comical. She hasn't done it with the drum yet, which is a good thing.

On the eating front, she still loves watermelon - well, she is actually crazy about it. She also loves peaches and plums. She seems to catch more of the food in her bib than in her mouth but every morning without fail we behold the evidence in her diaper that she is indeed eating food and digesting some of it. She really enjoys going outside - whether it is sitting in a garden chair with one of us, or being pushed in her stroller. She absolutely loves the beach, especially enjoying the sand and the warm breezes. She sits down in the sand and grabs fist fulls of the stuff, and raises them up high and lets the sand fall down her shoulders and her back. She closes and squints her eyes and giggles and cackles.

We went to the pediatrician for what seems like our monthly pilgrimage - our shot schedule is basically one a month until 9 months. She declared her extremely healthy. Physically she is in the 50th percentile. Our doctor does not usually get over-excited about these numbers. She did volunteer them this time however. I have to say, I was very pleased to find that Isobel is by all measurements, average. I am not sure why. I know that she is not average in my estimation. But I wasn't upset that she wasn't higher up on the charts. To me it really doesn't matter. Average is good. She is extremely healthy, happy and apart from some teething troubles, has little to complain about.

The doctor did say that she was advanced in her social development. ( Thank god, she's above average at something !!) She said, "oh, yes, she's not in her own little world anymore - she's very aware of everything that is going on." We thought that was a bit odd, because Isobel has been social and interested since she was about two months old. We have decided that Isobel is an extrovert. She has been a social butterfly for a long time. She loves an audience. If she can't find one, she looks for one. She is social and interested with her little baby friends. Yesterday they were playing a game where they were all drinking out of each others' sippy cups. Well, we thought it was a game. We have had some lovely cuddles in the morning -especially when there have been storms and we are snuggled up together listening to the thunder and watching the lightening.

We are still trying to teach Isobel to be gentle with our black cat, who is featured in the June's Black photos. However, she just does not get it yet, and can't wait to sink both fists into his fur. So we run interference between them because we are sure that one day he will run out of patience.

If you look in the pictures from July of Red you will see Isobel with a baby doll. She really was fascinated by the baby doll at a friend's house. She picked it up and shook it and gave it mouth to mouth resuscitation. She really dominated that doll. Susan decided she needed her own baby doll, so we got her one from BabysRus. We don't think she has dominated it in quite the same way that she did the other baby doll. However she is fascinated with the tiny sippy cup that comes with the dolly.

And that's all the numbers on Isobel for the moment. She is nine months and a fortnight ( and some change, as I have been writing this post for quite some time ) and in the fiftieth percentile. Perfect!
And now for the pictures...

look at my toys!

weighing the odds

washcloth acrobatics

feet up and tongue out!

letting the sand fly!

bucket and spade!

July: Red

2011-07-31T22:25:00.000-07:00

....In which Isobel parks her fire truck and gives CPR to a baby doll, meets a big brown dog, holds a red block, models her Croatian- American mommy's Balkan roots and puts up with sharing the limelight with a few red still lifes from our house and garden.

Late is the new Black: June

2011-07-11T21:09:00.000-07:00

Front gate; Blackie the cat; Sammy the dog; Isobel with tasty I-Phone cover chewy!

eight is great!

2011-06-27T22:48:00.000-07:00

I am a little late in this post, but yes, as you might have guessed, Isobel has hit the eight month mark - in fact she is now eight months one week and some change.

So many things are happening so quickly now that it's hard to keep up both with Isobel and with documenting her progress. All of a sudden her awkward scooting type crawl has become a fully fledged and very purposeful crawl. She can cover great distances as we found out at church the other day. All that carpet and wood in the sanctuary was hers to discover - and she did a great job. I just had to be careful of grumpy old Pearl, the dog, who is very territorial when it comes to the area around the altar. I had to make sure that Isobel did not get too close to her in case she went into attack mode. No, we are not high anything especially church. UCC and common as muck, that's us. Another dog, not Pearl, (she is way too dignified and well trained) has been known to do numbers one and two right by the altar table. The carpet has been changed since then, thank you very much!

But back to Isobel, she is a champion crawler and she can pull herself up to standing by herself; though she has not mastered it in her new crib, I am sure it is imminent. I guess you could say that this eight month birthday was celebrated with us buying her a brand new crib. This was after a Craig's List fiasco by yours truly that involved a trip to a very bad neighborhood, the exchange of money for a very nasty crib, and the vigorous cleaning of said crib. "It'll keep me humble," I muttered under my breath while scrubbing off grease marks all over it ( did they keep it in the kitchen?!)The crib turned out to not go together properly, was flimsy and was relegated to the garbage while I went on line with my tail between the legs and ordered a brand new crib ( on sale, though) in Cappucino. What coffee lover can resist a crib that's named after a favorite drink? It's actually really lovely, and is meant for "smaller people" ( i.e. my honey who is not tall) so you can bend over to put baby in the crib and not fall in yourself. It is too big for our bedroom, but that's where it is right now - by my side of the bed, looking unwieldy, but very safe. The mattress is supposed to be toxin free and came from Tar.g.e.t. Isobel likes it because it has springs and is fun to jump on. She is still wearing her beeper monitor to bed, and we have yet to re-install the Angelcare monitor under the mattress. I am not sure when I am going to feel comfortable taking them off for good.

We have also bought an umbrella stroller - after much agonizing and researching. It's a Brit.ax. Blin.k and on sale at Albee Baby if you are interested. And in transit now. It's for the trip to the UK that we are taking this summer and was prompted by the new ban on strollers over 20lbs checked at the gate by AA, which is what we are flying this summer.

And as Isobel is incredibly restless and insomniac these days we are probably going to be in the market for an amber teething necklace. It seems each month brings its expenses. Although most of her toys have been bought from rummage sales - which is a great place to shop for the older, fun, classic toys that are hard to come by. Of course I only know this because a friend of ours likes to come over and identify these cool old toys we get as something from her childhood. I don't remember any of my childhood toys and as we didn't have any siblings born after us I guess we wouldn't would we?

Another surprise is that Isobel now has FOUR teeth. One of the top ones came through almost as soon as her two bottom ones were in, and then the second top one came in slowly until now she has a lovely two top and two bottom smile.

She has really got the hang of the whole eating thing now, and I am so glad we are doing baby led weaning and not dealing with spoon feeding her - it's more fun and she really seems to enjoy it. We put her in her high chair and give her a few different foods at a time to try and choose from ( I know, it's a big no no with the allergy people, but it has worked out fine). When she is given the choice of what to eat - i.e. sitting with us on a blanket for a picnic, as we did last week, she will grab just about anything and consider eating it. That blanket ended up covered in guacamole and salad and quesadillas - and so did she.

Some more fun things are Isobel's intensely loud vocalizations which happen when she is eating and sound like growling, or when she is around other people who are talking ( as in church when someone is speaking and everyone else is quiet!) or just whenever she feels like it. She is incredibly gleeful in the noises that she is making and can really get quite loud. Not sure how that's going to go down on the plane to England.

We think she may be going through a growth spurt / more teething as she is not sleeping very well - and is adjusting to her new crib too. She is also going through another biting phase on my poor boobs. I have a few nasty teeth bites to show for it, which I am helping to heal with breast milk and lanolin. Her naps have become very short - and sometimes I give in and nap with her in our bed, which usually means a longer nap - but not recently. Her longest nap in her new crib has been about 25 minutes!!!! Aargh! And trying to get her to bed at her usual 8pm ish bedtime has been a disaster. She is just hyper and won't go to sleep. Tonight, thankfully, we had been out to the beach ( lots of sand got eaten and was great for crawling!) and then for Ethiopian food, so she was really tired ( and she had only slept about 1/2 an hour in naps all day!) so she got to sleep at 10 pm. That is about an hour earlier than the past few nights. It means that we stay up late so that we can have some down time.

Today a few firsts were: putting her feet in the lake ( 63 degrees and felt heavenly to me, but I think she felt it was cold), crawling on sand, eating spicy food at the Ethiopian Restaurant ( she cried!) and enjoying the Ethiopian bread with less spicy foods. She disproved the theory that once a baby eats sand she will never eat it again! This is her second time eating it! We took her to the outdoor leisure pool a week ago and that was a first for her - she seemed quite interested in all the other waders and splashers and even though the air temperature was only about 70 degrees she did not seem to mind.

So we are looking forward to more excitement with Isobel as she moves into her ninth month. Time is flying by and we can't quite believe we are here in the summer again and last summer I was big and pregnant and this summer I am not and we have Isobel here.

Here are a few recent photos of our little sweetpea.

Jam Face!

Fun with Feet!

Check out my new crib!

Swingin' with Mama.

Swinging 2.0

What a lovely belly I've got!

Bouncy girl!

un challenge - three bizarre jobs

2011-06-13T22:15:00.000-07:00

Firstly, thanks to all of you that responded to my whining by reaching out and leaving a comment. It is calming to know that I am not talking to myself - well I am - but there are others who are listening. And as Dreams and False Alarms rightly pointed out, the comments mostly go to the ones who really are in deep need of support, which would not be me. I am not in the trenches anymore. For some reason, which I am really unclear about, my blog traffic has shot up in the last few days - could it be that the word "whore" in the blog title has blessedd me with more readers than I ever dreamed of?! So thank you, thank you, my good and faithful blog readers, and to all the perverts out there who are reading, you probably won't see the word "whore" much after that last post.

Onto the challenge: I have actually not had many jobs in my life: I was an eternal student / out of work actor and aspiring playwright until around the age of 28, and did not start my first "real" job till I was about that age. I didn't have any after or before school jobs as a teenager, as I went to boarding school from age 14-18 and it seemed to be difficult and impractical to get a job in the holidays only- as we were away at school most of the year. So I never delivered papers, or did a lot of regular babysitting. Although I did start a little babysitting business one summer, aged 17 with absolutely no experience whatsoever and with the goal of saving up money for contact lenses. It started off as a small white postcard in the post office window advertising dog-walking and baby-sitting ( both of which I had never done and the former being a big stretch for me as I was deathly afraid of dog poop -see references to OCD in this earlier post- ). That white card brought me an obscene phone caller wanting to know what color knickers I was wearing and wanting to "f..." me, a slew of desperate parents who were apparently unfazed by my inexperience and a brand new pair of hard contact lenses, which along with braces on my bottom teeth and a fabulous home made wardrobe, catapulted me into the world of semi glamorous geek instead of completely hopeless geek. Although to be fair, we didn't have geeks - we had trends and plebs, and I was a pleb.

I have yet to find the perfect job, which is both rewarding, well paying and inspiring, and I am going to take a few liberties with the un challenge and tell you about my three most interesting jobs. One of which lasted two days, one a few months and another, a few months.

When I left university after finishing my drama degree, I wanted to stay in Aberystwyth, on the west coast of Wales, where I had studied, but I had no money left, the grant had run out and I needed to find a job. I don't remember where I saw the ad, but I found myself applying for a job as a "trolley dolly" ( I think the job title was train stewardess) which was a glorified ( or maybe unglorified would be more accurate) hostess traveling on British Rail with a heavy trolley of snacks and drinks and serving passengers up and down the aisles the length of the train journey. The glamor came in the form of a uniform that really did make me look like an air hostess. Navy skirt, blazer, white shirt, jaunty red scarf tucked into the shirt at the neck, and a lovely bowler type hat that poised jauntily on the top of my head. Panty hose ( or tights in English) were mandatory and the kind of shoes were up to you. I had seen many trolley dollies in my time, and many of them wore high heels - often red to offset the scarf - and looked just smashingly fabulous. How they maneuvered those heavy trolleys on and off the trains with no help and a drop of about a foot between the platform and the train in high heels is really beyond me. (The conductors, all male, were not supposed to help us as we didn't work for British Rail, but for a franchise, and if we wanted their help we had to bat our eyelashes and look helpless or pray that they were charitable if our eyelashes were having an off day.) In my sensible blue highly polished flats it was hard enough. I once had to miss half of my run because I cut my hands pulling the trolley off the train at Shrewsbury. To cut to the chase, it was not such a glamorous job after all, but it did improve my mental arithmetic ( there was no register or "till"), I was the disgusted recipient of at least three episodes of sexual harassment ( including one assault and one "give me a kiss or I won't let you out of my train drivers car, where I invited you for a cup of tea" ) and I learnt everything I needed to know about the job from a wiry Glaswegian who would stop in the corridors between the train carriages and smoke pot whenever he was on a break. And sometimes when he was not on a break. Not my favorite job, but definitely good for stories and the name itself was worth quite a lot.
Another job I did while trying to stay in Aberystwyth after graduating with a pretty useless but very rewarding drama degree was being a life model in the art department of the university and in some community centers. It was really pretty well paid - maybe five pounds an hour in 1991-2, and very relaxing. I would sit on a chaise lounge in a large studio that was partitioned off into the life art class "boudoir" and if it was cold there was an electric bar fire that they would turn on so I wouldn't freeze. On more than one occasion I fell asleep I was so relaxed. Staying in one position for long periods of time is not comfortable at all and involves some skill. Of course no one taught me how to sit without my legs and arms going to sleep, but I gradually figured it out. On breaks, I would put on my fabulous burgundysilky dressing gown that was something like a men's smoking jacket, and go to the break room with the artists and smoke cigarettes. There was something about it that was all quite good for my ego. The problem arose when I discovered that the caretaker ( janitor) was a habitual peeping tom and after I complained about him, it became uncomfortable to model as I never felt I could relax, and no one seemed to want to do anything about it.
My last bizarre job was when I came to visit the States in the summer of 1995. And it was rather fun! My friend L, who lived here, and who I had met in Wales while she was on probably the most miserable Junior Year Abroad anyone could suffer, was big into horses. Trakeners to be precise - can't really remember how to spell that. Anyway, she spent a lot of time engaged in Trakener business, including horse fairs and shows and she persuaded me to come with her to one by getting me a job as an announcer at a dressage show in Indiana. Having an English accent lent me a certain cache - especially in dressage. I had no clue about announcing at a horse show, but I was not alone, because one of the horse aficionado's husbands had also been roped in and we both sat in the announcing booth, being able to see nothing of the dressage, but keeping informed on our walkie talkies by the volunteers at each dressage ring. They would tell us over the air who was waiting to go into the ring, who was in the ring etc and we would announce it. My buddy was a baseball fan and his way of announcing if a horse and rider were waiting to go into the ring was to say that they were "on deck". I just followed his terminology and everyone was happy. I even announced the Queen Mother's birthday over the loudspeakers one day, which really tickled all the Anglophiles. I think I made $300 that weekend plus my accommodation was paid for. That was probably the most money I had ever made i a weekend! I think my friend was just glad to have the company and she treated me to lots of Taco Bell and Dunkin Donuts as well as the B and B. From there we drove all night to get to my first ever Michigan Women's Music Festival and lesbian intrigue and drama. But that's another story.

Comment whore shipwrecked on a desert island

2011-06-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

Twenty three plus of the writers of blogs on my blog roll, I met on Baby Center around 2007 - 2008. In fact most of those twenty three plus I met in the first year of my trolling around on BBC looking for ideas, support, advice, a clue! At least one other I met on another Yahoo group. Many of them are now Facebook friends - in fact I have a lot of FB friends who all "know" each other even though most of us have never met. We were all in various stages of TTC from 2007 - 2010. In the early days I commented on people's posts on BBC, I kept track of where every one was in their cycle and made appropriate remarks; I was invested in the people who stuck around and who were there for me. One day I came home from seeing the movie Happy go Lucky at the movies feeling anything but carefree and experimented with setting up a blog out of some kind of dull desperation. I only wrote a small post and would probably have taken my sweet time to come back to it, but An Offering of Love commented on it, and spurred me on to write something more than just a throwaway post.

I have always prided myself on being a caring and careful commenter both on BBC and blogs, as well as FB. On FB, I don't just tell people Happy Birthday, I make it into something fun and witty and make sure that I am saying something that speaks to the person. I do the same on birthday cards. I never just write the same boring thing ( one of my co-workers would write the same thing on every sympathy card we ever shared - "May God bless you in this difficult time", which to me is almost as bad as not signing a card at all...)

At some point I discovered Melissa's Stirrup Queens blog and LFCA - it took me a lot of Googling before I figured that acronym out. I built up readership and followed others blogs by lolly gagging around on others blogs. I picked up blogs carefully - either because someone had commented on my blog, or something clicked with me in someone's writing, or circumstances. Many of the blogs I read are written by lesbian moms, or women dealing with infertility, loss and adoption - the ALI community. There are a couple of outliers that are random things I like - cooking, knitting, free range parenting, etc. Just like many of you, I would comment on your posts, ones that struck a chord with me, ones I was led to by other bloggers. I did ICOMLEAVEWE and I would scroll down people's blog rolls looking for interesting blogs. In the old days I would write and ask a blogger if I could put their blog on my list, and then I realized that I didn't need to ask because in a public forum, people want you to read them, they want you to advertise their blogs and they want to hear from you. Blogging and reading blogs was probably my most time consuming activity during the years of TTC and waiting and the 9/10 months of pregnancy. My work was so stressful and busy that I rarely got on or blogged at work, which seems to be the chosen place of most bloggers, so that most of my activity happened on the weekends and evenings.

I don't write a journal; I only did that once in high school and I burnt it soon afterwards ( something I really regret). I didn't like journaling because basically it was like me talking to myself about how miserable I was and how I needed to get a grip. But the thing I like about blogging is the reciprocation. You don't get that with a journal. Especially when you burn it. I don't think I would have continued blogging had it not been for the community and the comments. I received support during hard times and when there was finally good news there was glee, celebration and more support.

I have never really wrung out my heart and soul on this blog, I don't think. I gave too many people in real life permission to read this blog, which makes me protective of the people in my life that I care about and disinclined to complain about them or to really say what's on my mind about others. So it is pretty self focused. And now it has become Isobel focused.

I never really addressed the change that most people feel acutely of moving from infertile without baby to infertile with baby. I don't think I felt it so acutely as some. I think that deep down I have always believed that it's my own fault for waiting so long to TTC and I am not a real "infertile" - just a late and lazy one. When I found out I was infertile because of the likely lousy amount and quality of my eggs, I was really upset, mad and pissed off, but I was also relieved because I had an answer after less than a year of the first T part of TTC. It still took me over another year to conceive, but there was something concrete about knowing the source of the problem for me. And having always known we were going to use donor sperm, when I fairly quickly came to the realization that I wanted to use donor eggs, it was not a big leap or a huge loss. At that point anyway. I had already come a long way from my fantasy of having a little Tireegal running around the house. And using donor eggs really took the pressure off my body for me.

Most of the original twenty three plus bloggers that I follow / ed have at least one child by now. Not all; I can think of two that stand out in the heartbreak section that do not. And it is so sucky. Most if not all of the other bloggers I picked up along my way in blogland either have a baby or two or are pregnant. Others are pursuing adoption, a few are choosing to be childless. My blog roll is full of busy moms and a few TTCers. My argument as to why I have so few comments on my blog goes like this:
I don't write much anymore. I don't comment as much any more. I post lots of pictures and that is very hard for the still TTCers to deal with. Most of my fellow moms are really busy and therefore would not be commenting as much. Bloggers new to TTC or battered and bruised through procedures and losses would not be interested in my story and especially those in the depths of despair would not touch me with a barge pole. I have let many juicy life experiences go past without blogging about them. I have still not written Isobel's birth story. Not that it was traumatic, because it wasn't. The pregnancy - I wrote about that and it was stressful and stressmaking. I haven't written about the swings and dips of being a full time mother, about the changes in our lives since S was laid off, of my identity switching from high anxiety social worker to semi-laid back mom who mumbles and doesn't always get the right noun when she is speaking. I haven't really written about motherhood, except in superlatives. I haven't written about my thoughts about having a baby with two donors. Or about having another child. Except I will say that like many of you, I am torn.

I don't know if I told you this before, but I am a bit of an I-phone addict. I spent many hours when Isobel was an infant with her on my lap or shoulder, reading blogs, looking at email and Facebook. The sad news would endlessly reduce me to tears. And dealing with my post partum depression and paralyzing fear of SIDs meant that I had to stop reading the really hard news. Which made me feel guilty and mean and privileged.

Recently I realized that I was looking at my I-phone way too much and not paying enough attention to Isobel. Even though I spend most of her waking hours with her, and tend to her endlessly, I would sit with her while she played and just obsessively go through email, FB and blogs. Over and over. I realized that my phone was becoming a bit like a cigarette. A crutch to stop me feeling my feelings and thinking my thoughts. It was like having constant chatter in my head but nothing that was of substance or meaning. So I cut back and as I did this I realized how dependent I had become. Then a couple of weeks ago I decided to stop. To put the phone down - and as I did that I realized how many times in an hour my mind would stray to my phone and the constant stream of information, connection and gratification I was "missing". I felt terrible for not being truly present for Isobel. And also a little worried about all the radiation I might be exposing Isobel to. So I left the phone out of the bedroom in a similar vein to banning the tv from there. Sometimes I left the phone at home when I went out. Sometimes I simply forgot it. I had a moment of panic when I realized that I had forgotten it, but I got over it. Since that day, I have been down in my usage and trying to be much more conscious about my use of the phone and of my presence in real life moments. I don't want life and my beautiful daughter to pass me by while I am scrolling through Facebook. Even spending so much time reading about all your wonderful important lives was impeding my ability to live my real life too.

So while I explain why I need to be away from the Internet more, I am also wondering where you all are. I know that sounds weird."Er, I haven't been here, where are you?" Classic borderline personality disorder traits. I get visitors to my web site. Quite a few. Not astronomical numbers, but a fair amount.
Maybe people can't figure out who I am. I don't have a bullet pointed story of my TTC life, or any explanation of where the hell Tiree is and why I am her gal! Maybe I am too full of good news? That seems odd, I know, but it makes a certain kind of sense that the people with the good news don't need as much support and those with bad news need more. Yes, I have a mostly wonderful real life, and yes, I still need reassurance from an external source.

As for my real life, yes it's quiet and quite hum drum. But also spectacular and wonderful taking care of a tiny being who demands all my attention and delights in so many small light filled moments. She slows me down and speeds me up. I have made leaps in my real life life. I need company; I don't do well at home alone. I have mommy friends and baby friends. I see them a couple times a week. I keep them all together by emailing and texting them and setting up walks and play dates and checking in on people. I am kind of the den mother of my meet up group. I go for walks with Isobel, and S and I do stuff together. My sister is an adoring aunt and sees us about once a week. She comes over for a "fix" when she is missing Isobel. We have friends that come to visit. I wish we all lived in the same part of town. We are all spread out. I enjoy my quiet down time. I mostly watch tv in the evenings. I need to start looking for a job. I have a to do list that I haven't touched in weeks. My daily routine comprises baby care, house care, laundry, wife-tending and when and where I can get my next latte.

And I also feel compelled to keep this blog going, not just for the reciprocation and the pats on the back and the sharing, but to give Isobel some history, for those moments when she might feel that she does not have enough. It's the same reason we take lots of photos and make up albums and write in her baby book, and keep all the information we have about her donors. The whole family tree, now there's another subject for blogging. Will Isobel put my parents and grandparents on her family tree? And S's parents and grandparents? Of course she will. More of that another time. I promise.
And did I tell you how grateful I am for all of you? I am. Thank you.

non challenge cup in high school ( not!)

2011-06-02T20:56:00.000-07:00

( this could be a whole novel and maybe one day I will write it but for the moment, Susan is waiting patiently to watch our latest guilty pleasure from Netflix on demand, Mistresses, Google it. ) Can one start a sentence with parentheses?
My high school career started badly after a wonderful happy popular friendly time in junior high ( ages 9 - 13 in Britain that was in the 70s). It was like everyone changed over the summer between junior high and senior high. Everyone, dyed their hair, got a boyfriend, got an attitude and I got there completely in the dark and without having read the memo. To be truthful I would have ignored the memo anyway, but I eschewed this peer pressure to do all this weird stuff to ones body and just thought it was plain silly. I was also more notable plagued by a burgeoning case of OCD which meant that I flung all my clothes off when I got home from school, made everyone take off their shoes when they entered the house ( rare in the days before heavy duty hygiene was popular) and was frightened to death of dog shit ( it was everywhere in those days.)
After one year at the local high school we begged our parents to send us to a Quaker boarding school; ( we were brought up Quakers and went to fun summer camps with them, where we had a ball and fantasized about going to a sort of Quaker summer camp all year round). Quaker Boarding School (QBS) in England was not the fantasy we dreamed of. It was peer pressure without the inconvenience of parents' input, it was cliques - the trends and the plebs, and as a new girl in the fourth year with no fancy clothes and a northern English accent you can guess that I wasn't in the in crowd.
I don't have any fun pictures to share with you all right now, but I did have a Linda McCartney shaggy look, as well as a big fat frizz perm, pigtails and fifty pence piece glasses and finally contacts. I was determined to overcome my braces, specs and frizz and I think I did eventually. We ( my twin sister and I) made our own clothes because we couldn't afford the nice fancy ones that the other students wore when they weren't wearing uniform. We never understood algebra because we arrived half way through that lesson and no one explained it to us properly. Thank-fully we excelled academically, learnt to play tennis ( you were nobody if you couldn't play tennis) on beautiful grass courts and got good grades. We finally acclimatized to the place and did our best to enjoy ourselves. I did win a cup, ( the "dwama" cup for being an excellent "dwama" person, directing plays and acting in them, and overcoming my horrid accent ( sic) to become the chosen reader at any big event with my lovely posh accent and darling delivery). And my twin sister won three of the other top honors. So there, snobs!

May: Yellow

2011-06-02T20:34:00.000-07:00

Hard to find yellow among all the pink, but this includes Isobel's favorite musical toy, Charlie Brown, and her IRL friend Oscar's Pooh hat which she borrowed for swinging with him on a sunny day. The lights have something to do with coffee. Answers on a comment-card!

Guest Post-The Other Mommy

2011-05-17T21:09:00.000-07:00

Isobel and her favorite Dickey Bird

First high chair!


Pretty in pink

Today we celebrated Isobel's 7-month birthday with the purchase of new summer clothes and her first high chair, which she loves! Isobel is nearly ready to crawl. She is more adept at manipulating her toys and playing with them. She strains for the remote control and could very well be a techno-baby! Issie sits up pretty well now, and loves to play ball. She's trying out various foods, but so far has NOT found a favorite. She tends to growl at her strawberries!

Her two new bottom teeth are very, very sharp, and she knows how to use them! Her hair is growing longer and it has a beautiful strawberry blonde sheen to it. Isobel loves people and has a winning smile and giggle. She's a very patient baby, as babies go. We are so lucky! We fall in love with her more and more each day.

Pink

2011-05-01T21:08:00.000-07:00

2011 Color Photography Project

The baby Oscars - or happy go lucky meets her name-sake

2011-04-25T21:34:00.000-07:00

I am feeling incredibly productive at the moment. It all started with Isobel sleeping since 8pm tonight and also with a very very good day with Isobel, Susan, and other baby mamas. I guess it started with me getting up at 8.30am which is our new wake up time. I know, I know! I am making you all sick. I get it. Somehow, I believe, Isobel has internalized my body clock rhythms and even though she is not genetically related to me, biologically she very much is. Don't get me wrong, 8.30am is not my chosen pre-baby, post-employment, baby wake up time. In fact it's more like 10.30, but 8.30 will do very nicely thank you. I am actually enjoying getting to see parts of the day that I have not been familiar with since I stopped walking our dogs ( now deceased) and also stopped working due to stress/ depression / crazy pregnancy hormones. Mornings have been my least favorite time of day for a long time. It takes me forever to feel happy about being up and I just would rather stay in bed and wallow in my milky sweaty self. Even the sight of jolly Isobel smiling and making eyes at me is not always enough to make me jump out of bed and shout Hallelujah! But I do begrudgingly give her smiles and cutches and kisses and snuggles and lots of milk and eventually I am happy to be up and about being domesticated, taking care of diaper business and dressing and all that fun stuff. And if I get my oatmeal and my tandem cups of Rooibos tea and decaf coffee, then the day is even better! Some days I get to stay in bed for about half an hour and Susan will get up with Isobel and I will hear them playing together in the next room, with Isobel chuntering away and Susan laughing and telling her stories and singing songs. That is a real luxury, because it feels like I never get to be alone in bed anymore. In fact the last time I was alone in bed, was the night before Isobel was born, when I was sleeping alone in the spare bedroom, snoring my head off like a steam train and wondering if my ankles would ever be winsome again!!! That wasn't so much fun.
Two month's after Isobel was born, we did a cute Christmas card with Isobel's stats on it and sent it out and thought that might be instead of the announcement. We had announced it all on Facebook and by email and we weren't sure that we needed an announcement. But that meant our Jewish friends didn't get a nod, and we decided that for posterity we needed to do a card. So about a month ago we made an announcement with four chronological pictures of Isobel where she goes from infant baby blob to smiling 5 month old. It was posted on my blog for about a minute by Susan until I realized all our info was in it and though I am not really extremely careful about anonymity, if someone ( say an old client who shall remain nameless) did a search on the internet for my name she might come upon my blog. Or something.
Well this morning the nurse from the fertility clinic called because she had not heard from me and needed the stats on our baby for her records. In fact she didn't even know the sex of the baby. We had not been in touch with them since we were graduated from them to an OB. Although we did email the doc when we were concerned about my past fibroid surgery and the impact it might have on trying for a vaginal birth. I know, we are not really the kinds of people who do all the right etiquette things, we didn't send them flowers or thank you cards, we didn't buy candy for the nurses at the hospital, and we actually only just got around to sending the wonderful amazing egg donor a thank you card, for the cycle that she completed in December 2009. Wow that is a long time ago!
I lied and told her that I had a card already addressed to her on my desk ( why, TG, why?) but she didn't seem too bothered and she was just glad that I called her back and that we had a lovely baby girl and I could tell her what she weighed and when she was born. She did tell us to come in and show off our baby soon, which I promised to do.
So that gave me the kick start I needed to finally put pen to paper and write and address the birth announcements doubling as Thank You cards tonight when Isobel went to sleep. It has taken me over an hour to do the cards to the professionals who were involved in the conception and birth of Isobel.
And that's what made me think I was part of the baby Oscars - thanking all these people and almost choking up, and the words flowing and the warmth in my heart radiating.
In all I wrote 8 cards to a combination of 1 fertility doctor, 1 fertility nurse, 1 adoption lawyer, 1 egg donor agreement lawyer, 1 nurse egg donor coordinator, 1 egg donation agency, 2 midwives, 3 OBs, two OB nurses. Oh and I forgot to add the psychologist who did our interview about third party reproduction, who happens to know a family friend of ours, which turned the interview into a kind of reunion by proxy. That makes 9 cards. Must send her an announcement. All these people helped us to bring Isobel into the world. And funnily enough it just makes my heart sing a bit louder to know that so many people helped us. It doesn't feel the slightest bit odd to me. Not the usual way of making a baby, certainly, but that's fine with me. I didn't send them a card but I mustn't forget the two egg donors who had to bow out through ill health at the last minute, prolonging our wait for egg donor number 3, who turned out to be perfect!
As I was writing the cards, I would describe, Isobel, as beautiful, funny, lively, cute and - here's a thing - happy-go-lucky. Those three words just kept tripping off my fingertips. I told Susan about it, who reminded me that Isobel is also incredibly passionate about things - and as she discovers things that she loves, such as splashing her arms and legs in a frenzy in the bath - she also lets us know this - either by her squeals of joy and big smile when she is in said tub, or by her angry wailing when she is out of the tub and Susan is dressing her while I have five minutes in the bath by myself.
And as I was writing the words over and over so many times, I realized that Isobel could be the happy go lucky that I have been summoning into our lives by naming my blog happy go lucky. What a circle we have navigated to get to this point. Not so much a circle as a very meandering path that is kind of S shaped. And before I get tangled up in that metaphor I will take my leave and rest my Ergo- induced aching back and rejoice that Isobel is still asleep, 3.5 hours after I put her down, which is good for her, and good for her mama. Before you hate me for all this Pollyanna stuff, please remember that it took me a long time to get here. And I got sea sick on the way. Okay, this is really the end of metaphor butchering. For tonight...

half a year of Isobel!

2011-04-17T20:09:00.000-07:00

Yes, our daughter, Isobel is six month's old today. It amazes me. It seems as if we have been her mums for a long time and also for a few seconds.
As I have been a lax blogger I will tell you what Isobel is doing right now and you can fill in the gaps ( or I will).
We have a daughter who sleeps. It is a miracle and a work in progress. I never ever understood why moms went on and on about sleep and naps so much. Honestly, I thought they were just obsessed. I would read people's endless Facebook updates about it and think I would never be like that. I am. Just.Like. That.
It all started when Isobel stopped doing that newborn thing of falling asleep whenever. We could be anywhere and she would nod off. Usually she was resting on a warm person when it happened. She did not much like to sleep away from a warm body but she did eventually get used to her co sleeper crib. I think it happened about 3.5 months that I became aware that she would get crabby and she would be wide awake and it eventually occurred to me that she might be tired and might need help getting to sleep. I won't bore you all with the details, but we read bits of the No Cry Sleep Solution, we instituted a more obvious bedtime routine involving a bath and bedtime music really, and we started putting her down for naps when we thought she was tired. It took many times of getting up and soothing her and putting her down again but as I write this, she is asleep in our bedroom ( in our bed, but that's another story!) and we are sitting around like grown ups. She naps twice a day - we do the 2 ,3, 4 thing to a certain extent - first nap 2 hours after waking, second one three after waking from the first nap, bedtime four hours after waking from the second one. More or less. I put her to sleep, make no mistake. I do not let her cry, or leave her until she is asleep. Sometimes it takes 10 minutes, sometimes 30, but I have the luxury of being able to put the time in and I actually enjoy it. One of these days she will put herself to sleep but for now I am okay with how things are.
In non sleep related news, Isobel is rolling over, rocking and rolling on our laps, standing when we hold her up, trying very hard to crawl, but not getting very far. When she is on the floor she moves her body all around in a circle from her hips but does not go forward or backward. She is endlessly engaged with new people and things and smiles at just about everybody, and makes even grumpy people smile. She can sit up for about 30 seconds by herself and she loves to be upright with whatever help we give her. In the bath tub she splashes like mad and smiles and gets herself all riled up. She loves chewing on Sophie and her raspberry teether. In the mornings she and Susan sit on the couch and Susan spills her toy box out in front of her so she can pick what she is interested in. She likes to blow raspberries on our shoulders and tummies and we love to blow raspberries on her feet. She is so happy in the mornings when she wakes up, a time that I am not usually very excited about anything but it's too hard not to respond to her giggles and smiles.

I leave you with some pictures of our dear sweet precious Isobel. Happy half birthday, Isobel!

Working nine to five what a way to make a living...( with thanks to Dolly Parton)

2011-04-06T20:19:00.000-07:00

Today I handed in my keys at work, signed off on my travel expenses, finished some billing, and walked away. It has actually been seven months since I left my job in a pile of tears and snot and anxiety and I feel so much better now than I did then. Understatement. True story.

One of the reasons I don't blog much these days is that I don't have much alone time but right now Isobel is asleep!!!! and I have had a late dinner of soup and cheese on toast ( my staple comfort food), the news is on on mute and I am finally writing. The other reason is that I am a rusty writer as well as a bit of a perfectionist, so I reason that if I can't say it well I don't want to say it at all. There's not a lot of valid reasoning there, I know. But I do have a lot to say, and unusually for me, I now have the time to think about things other than work. So here goes. Hopefully there will be lots more blogging going on, now that Isobel has a bed time and sometimes sticks to it!

So I drove into work today at around the time I used to. I set off at 8.56 and got to work around 9.15am. I have dropped by work a couple of times since I quit, but today felt different. I dressed "up". That means I put on my best jeans ( which were wrinkled but clean), my staple black t-shirt and dark blue swing cardigan that I got for my pregnancy and live in these days, my blue and black cotton scarf ( see a theme here?), my black fitted raincoat and my black heeled boots. Isobel managed to spit up on my jeans before I got out the door but I didn't care. Oh, and I showered of course. I felt as if I had to dress to impress, ( and yes, that's how I do it - not exactly high end, but my way) and put on a bit of armor. If I had been smoking I would have ditched the Marlborough Light 100s for the harsher stubby reds.
While I was in the shower I was thinking about going to work, who would be there, the task at hand ( involving some undone paperwork I was helping them with because until today, they had no-one in my position) and how long it would take. I estimated about three hours and wondered if I could leave Isobel that long with Susan before she got cranky. I had got up and pumped a good five ounces for her so I was feeling good about that and hoping that Susan would not have to break into my very measly stash of frozen milk. As I drove to work along this so familiar route, I remembered many of the feelings I used to have over the past 3 and a half years as I made my way to work. (I also realized how lucky I am that this is the first morning I have gone to "work" and left Isobel behind me, since giving birth to her). One of the biggest feelings was dread. Dread that a crisis had unfolded, that things would be difficult, that someone would yell at me, that I would not be able to handle everything. Who am I kidding? For about 15 years I have worked in the areas of homelessness, domestic violence and mental illness social work. Of course I am going to have to deal with crises, people yelling and the unknown. But looking back I realize how frayed I was. How fragile. How worried about everything. Even though I put on a very brave and professional face and did a flipping fantastic job!

They were all gathering for a staff meeting and before that a short meeting of the clinical team that I used to lead. People were looking harried. I walked into the clinical staff meeting as it ended to say hello and to ask a billing question - and met my successor sitting in the chair I once sat in. I knew that she would be there today, but no-one else knew that I knew, so they all looked a bit startled - as if to say - ooops, we cheated on you, Claire, we got someone else. But I know and like my successor and I had given her some encouragement and suggestions as she went through the interview process, so I was not uncomfortable at all. One of the staff, said, hi Claire, have you met the new director, and she said, yes, we have met before. It was under-stated and perfect. I didn't make a big production, just got my question answered and went back to my work. There were a few moments when one of the staff was short and not very welcoming with me and I commented to another staff that it felt very weird. She told me about some little dramas happening in the team and how that's probably what was going on and of course it was nothing about me.
They all went to their big meeting and I looked at the task at hand and realized it would take me ten minutes. Fantastic. Just a few dozen clicks on the mouse and I was done. I called Susan and told her I was going to run a couple of luxurious errands, buy a celebratory latte and mocha for us, and come home. She gave me a report on Isobel, who was chuntering away and ready for her bottle of milk. I felt so happy and fulfilled and relieved.
I looked around the office, noted the changes that had been made, and patted myself on the back for a job well done. As I was driving away, I realized that I really was done with that place and that job. I had been waiting for them to throw me a send off party - a modest lunch or something like that, and months ago I had thought how I really needed them to tell me what a great job I had done, how they would miss me, and that they wished me well. It had never happened, and I realized I didn't need it anymore. When I got home to my cute sweet little family that means so much to me, I was so happy and relaxed and RELIEVED! So glad to be home. I wrote my ex boss a nice email entitled "over and out" and told her not to bother about any party - which seemed a little redundant as it was obvious she had not bothered. I left the door open for "consulting" work at an hourly / daily rate and bid her farewell.
I don't know how long this stay at home mum gig is going to last. I know it won't be for much more than a few more months. Right now, Isobel has two stay at home mums. Susan got fired / retired / conspired against about 10 days ago - the day after we got back from Kansas City, visiting Isobel's maternal ( ha ha ha ) grandmother. Susan's mom. Only living grandparent and a first time one at the grand old age of 83. The firing / retiring / conspiring was not a surprise in some ways but the timing was. Susan had been working full time, commuting two hours plus a day, doing an internship on nights and weekends and taking two classes in the evenings. She is older than me and has a number of health challenges and despite that had managed somehow to keep going. But she was completely exhausted and depleted. It turned out that she got some severance which will keep us going till the summer. It was more than anything a huge relief for her and for me too. We both have just been sucking it up and trying to muscle our way through. She emailed me from class last night to say that for the first time she was awake in class, participating and had done the reading and knew what the conversation was about. This is a woman who has had one B since she started school three years ago. The rest were As. Amazing. But taking a huge toll on her. My goal is for her not to work full time until she graduates next May. This means that I will be looking for a full time job for the fall. Not one where my number one sentiment is dread. Please not that. I think, I hope, knowing that I am good, even though I had the type of job that was a thankless task and yielded few pats on the back or congratulations, will help me to be more happy go lucky in my next job. I never want to feel that terror, those breathless, churning, endless ruminations about the what ifs, what coulds, what the fucks.
If we did not have so much debt, I am convinced we could live simply and not work too much at all. We still have to work out the details. But for now, we are enjoying saying hello to each other, loving each others company and delighting in Isobel. And sharing all the loads. It is amazing.

Brown

2011-03-31T13:22:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the silence.

More soon, I hope. All is well. Except no brown photo of Isobel this time:(

Grey

2011-02-28T20:32:00.000-08:00

Hyde Park pavement

Old Grey Goose at University of Chicago's Comer Children's Hospital

Pensive Isobel at the pediatrician's office

PSA - baby monitor for paranoid moms brings Tireegal relief

2011-02-15T21:33:00.000-08:00

I have been meaning to post about this for a while but for some reason I think it might offend somebody.
I can't see why, because as far as I am concerned I am doing you all a public service by telling you about my newly found peace of mind, but I have the feeling it might piss some people off. So I apologize if I am pissing you off or offending you.

I was worried about SIDS the day we came home from the hospital and I have been worried ever since. At first I just thought, well there is nothing I can do about it, I just have to suck it up and get over it and pray that Isobel is okay. Of course I pray that SIDS and all other things that kill babies and that end pregnancies and that stop pregnancies developing and anything else I have missed cease and desist from ruining so many beautiful peoples' lives. As a new mother, I feel sensitized to every child's suffering, every being's suffering, and the earth's suffering and it makes me a teary mess. I lie awake at night in wonderment of motherhood and also I go dark places thinking about all the bad things I might not be able to prevent happening to Isobel.

Anyway, one day I decided to Go.ogle SIDs to see if I could find anything to reassure me. I learned about the risk factors ( some of which were new to me), what to do to try to prevent SIDS, and then I learned about products designed to help neurotic parents like me monitor their babies' breathing and movement. And I thought, 'why not?" Why, if I know that there is a product that could help me not worry so much, and could alert me to a potential problem with Isobel's breathing, why wouldn't I get it?
So I did. It's called Snu.za and it's like a little pager your child wears while they sleep. It registers their movement ( breathing) and sets off a series of alarms that remind the baby to breathe and then to alert you to the lack of breathing if that happens. It works great if you have a baby like mine that sleeps sometimes in her crib and sometimes with us. The only problem is that you need to fasten it to her diaper and depending on how many layers of clothing she is wearing, you don't want to do this once she is asleep because by the time you have finished rustling in her drawers she will have woken up. I usually put it on when I get her ready for bed or naps but often forget and have to scramble. You can put it on her pants waistband if you want to and she is wearing pants and a t shirt or onesie.

So, I like the Snu.za but I am still having a hard time putting her down in her crib without waking her up ( yes, we are not onto the part of sleep magic where she can put herself to sleep quietly in her crib, so for now, I am putting her down asleep). So I remember that I have seen another product called an AngelCare Monitor that you can put in the crib which would make it easier to put Isobel down in the crib without waking her and fumbling around. So I bought it. All this courtesy of internet shopping, which is my new best friend.

So now, as she approaches her fourth month birthday, Isobel is armed with a small arsenal of anti-SIDs monitors. And the reason I am telling you all this, is not because I am working for Amazon.com but because I read about all my blog friends' babies and want to protect them too. I wish someone had told me about this technology earlier. But I am glad I found out about it. I asked my brother about it and he told me that his partner had bought a special mattress to prevent SIDS when their boy was a baby. It seems people do these things a lot, but they don't talk about them. So I am talking about it.

From two points of light to Isobel- with pics

2011-02-09T21:37:00.000-08:00

One year ago today, two tiny bundles of cells were transfered into my uterus.

not the real thing, but looking like a little meteor!

I didn't see the points of light flash on the ultrasound screen, but Susan did, and I imagined them as I had seen our single fresh embryo transfer in December 2009. I was re-reading that post and I am so glad that I wrote about it because without it, the details are sketchy.
I know it is a cliche, but I can't believe the difference a year makes. To think that Isobel grew from one of those tiny embryos and came out looking so light filled and perfect is really amazing.

Isobel newly born on 10/17/2010

It isn't because I did anything special or right or had good ju ju - I think it's just random. Because how else could one ofour dear blog friends' turtles be so very sick after all they have been through. They are beautiful, good, sweet people and they have endured some of the worst that IF and Loss has to offer. Please go over and give them some support, hugs, prayers, hold their hands and make that little turtle better fast!

Yesterday I took Isobel to see my therapist, who I have been seeing since 2003. We were reminiscing about the first time I went to see her and almost the first words out of my mouth were, "I want to have a baby". From those first words, through ambivalence, to the imaginings, to optimism, struggles and finally to Isobel. A long 7 years. So glad to be this side of those years. And looking at this light bright face everyday.

Isobel on 2/5/2011

And now I have a crying Isobel to tend to.
Goodnight:)

Wordless Wednesday

2011-02-02T13:02:00.000-08:00

pic by Susan, of Tgal approx 1.30am 2/2/11

January: Blue

2011-01-30T21:19:00.000-08:00

Thanks to S at http://anofferingoflove.wordpress.com/ for hosting this color photography project while having new born twins and the cutest toddler on the block! I am not a photography zealot by any means, although I did start out on a box camera of my dad's that took photos in rolls of eight, so you really had to pick your shots because you only got eight at a time - a far cry from the digital age where you can quite happily snap 100s and not spend a penny on a print. I took these with Susan's six year old Canon Digital Rebel EOS. I repeat: I am not a photographer. I wish I could figure out how to display them beautifully as our host did but I don't have photo shop and it's late, so here we are.

We have blue and white "christmas lights" all around our living room. We haven't taken them down because they brighten our garden apartment up and Isobel loves them.

Ma "blues" - that's what me and S call our blue crocs!

Blue sideboard still life - the tall patterned thing that looks like a drum is a percussion instrument that makes a sound like a little thunder machine

Isobel chillaxin on the couch with one of her books. We read it to her last night. It's a really cute story and it's about Blueberries!!!

I think looking at these photos, we could say it's a blue and yellow / white theme!
Enjoy!

Happy Three Month Birthday, Isobel!

2011-01-17T20:35:00.000-08:00

Here are a few recent photos of Isobel which show just what a joy she is to us and how she completely beguiles us with her smiles.

I can't believe it has been such a long time since I posted. I hang out on all your blogs all day via my I Phone and comment when I can, but it's almost impossible to get time to type on a computer with both hands these days.

Now I have about 5 weeks of thoughts all jumbled up in my head and I am wondering what to write.

First of all, I am so happy that Isobel is three months! I don't want to wish the time away fast but at the same time I really like the fact that she is growing and changing and getting bigger and stronger. She weighs about 11 lbs and a few ounces now and is about 22 inches long. She has learnt to suck on her fingers, to sit up and "dance" - which is really her rocking and rolling while sitting on our laps. In the last few weeks she started cooing and having all sorts of cute things to say. We took her to the church where Susan is doing her internship yesterday and she was a big hit. Especially when she started talking and then hiccuping very loudly during some deep quiet moment. I had to leave the sanctuary for a while with her and while we were gone, the minister prayed for Isobel's hiccups to go away. We got to sit at the front of the church for the children's moment - all these aremilestones which seem so surreal and exciting all at once.

She is pretty happy go lucky - which is a huge complement from yours truly. She is fun and likes to be out and about and experience new things and people. She does not like sleeping by herself and she is definitely attached to Susan and me. She is not one of those babies that wants to hang by themselves a lot - if there are such babies! She likes to hang on her activity mat and chill for about ten minutes at a time and is starting to play with the toys that are dangling for short periods of time; she is not crazy about her bouncy chair; we spend a lot of time holding her which is of course the best. This week we hope to get a swing to vary her scenery a bit. I am still not able to put her in the moby wrap or Ergo with the infant insert. She hates it and I get upset and take her out immediately when she starts to cry.

We are so happy to see her smile and giggle and watch her eyes light up when she is feeling happy. Susan is the master ( or mistress) of gas relief and has some funny rhymes that she says while she is bouncing Isobel on her lap. The worst times for Isobel are around 5pm onwards when her gas seems to be really bad and she can't relax very much. She has got a really good pair of lungs!

Susan went back to work at the beginning of January after two months plus of blissful family leave and it's now just me and Isobel at home Monday to Friday during the day. We started going to a baby and me group at a local child development center and I have been feverishly joining Meet Up groups and signing up for play-dates so we have something to do every day or so outside the house. So far we have one play date this week and I am working on some more. We also signed up for Infant Massage class and Baby Sign Language for next month. Apparently being a stay at home mother with an infant is not just about staying at home! Now I am getting to be a pro at driving with Isobel in my car and lugging her seat around I have a new appreciation for the whole drive through idea. I now know where the drive through Starbucks which is a big help to this decaf latte drinking mama.

I am going to close now and try to come back this week for short posts about things I actually think about and cogitate over, rather than this rather run of the mill list of what we are doing. I do actually have deep thoughts about life and mommyhood, it's just they are escaping me now.

EIght weeks of Isobel!

2010-12-12T20:50:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's really me. I am really posting about life as a mum or should I say, life as mums.
I have been so bad at blogging about our little sweet-pea but I couldn't let her 8 week birthday go by without saying something!
There is so much to say and there are many posts in my head, but I fear I can't get it all down before she succumbs to hunger and mama milkies ( that's me) has to step in and offer a boob ( right now, actually!)

Here are some of the things that she has been doing. She has been smiling a bit more every day and today we got her on tape laughing and smiling. She is getting more and more visually tuned in and loves to gaze at the stars we have on our wall and the Christmas lights we have twinkling. Her hands are getting to her mouth more each day and we swear she will start sucking her thumb soon.
She has the cutest little yawn which we hope to get on tape on day - she opens her mouth wide and long and then at the end of it she blows out a huge puff of air that sounds like someone letting air out of a tire. Her legs are getting stronger and so is her neck. She's able to hold her head up more.

She had her first rotten cold aged two weeks and at that difficult time I remember thinking to myself: "what were we thinking, having a baby? We haven't a clue what we are doing!!!" But we managed to get her to the pediatrician who told us we did the right thing by coming in and told us there was nothing to do but suck out her snot, make sure the air is humidified and keep her all cosy and warm. Thanks to a family friend we discovered the great and amazing NoseFrida - which is a snot sucker way superrior to that bulb thing they give you at the hospital. You can get it from Wholefoods or Google it - and now run to the store and get one now if your little one has a cold. It's amazing! I think I should take out stock in the company and start selling it to all my friends and neighbors.

Isobel is a sweet and easy baby most of the time -except between about 6pm - midnight when she gets gassy and upset. Right now she is complaining bitterly as she sits with her Mommy who is very good at soothing her and much more creative than I am: I usually whip out my boob if she is upset.

One of the most interesting and amazing things about being a mum ( or Mama as is my designated title) is all the things that unfold that I never in a million years thought about while TTC and being pregnant. The first shocker was the most moving moment when I called the pediatrician ( while still in the hospital) and told them I was calling about my daughter. My daughter!!! I don't think I had ever said those words before and it choked me up. Two very powerful words! And then spelling out her name - the name that we picked and the surname that we joined our names to make.
Powerful and moving stuff.

Isobel is crying for milk and i must sign off - with some pictures.

Claire, Isobel & Kitty relaxing on the couch about a month ago.

Just today, Isobel and Mommy Susan enjoy a bit of levity. She's smiling more and more each day!

Isobel and Claire, about a week ago. Isobel is grabbing Claire's finger.

This is actually the first smile we've caught on camera. Isobel is with her Aunt Lizzie.

Isobel at the pediatrician's office about 3 weeks ago.

Relaxing at home.

another death in the family

2010-11-28T20:37:00.000-08:00

Ten days after the death of my mother, and four months after the death of his brother Oliver, our dear sweet dog, Dylan Thomas died yesterday after a long and happy life of 14yrs.
Dylan had been sick with a bad cough caused by an inoperable tumor in his lungs since the summer and had just last week started having seizures, which we think were related to metastases in his brain. We were hoping he would be around for a little longer as he was responding to medication to stop the seizures and to stem the cough and increase his appetite. But yesterday evening he had two seizures that he never came out of and Susan and her sister took him to the emergency vet while I stayed at home with Isobel and sobbed. We knew when the seizures would not stop that this was the end for Dylan. I gave him a hug and a kiss as he was carried out the back door at about 11pm. Susan's sister sat in the back seat of the car with Dylan on her lap while Susan drove the few miles to the vets. They were both with him with when he died. Susan held his head as he died and told him we loved him.
Dylan was a wonderful companion for us and for his brother Oliver and some of the things he loved the most were chasing his Kong and running crashing into the waves of the lake, snuggling on the couch and the bed with us, chasing Oliver in circles around the beach and play fighting with him, eating cat food whenever he could sneak it, and rolling in the grass and on the sand. We are going to miss him so much and are lives are changed without him. We are grateful that he and Oliver were in our lives for some of the most wonderful years.

Dylan and Ollie as puppies

Dylan and Ollie are reunited again:)

my mum

2010-11-24T20:38:00.000-08:00

My dear mum, Patricia Ann P*, died peacefully on Tuesday November 17th, 2010, aged 73 in Yorkshire, England. She was a teacher, lover of literature, antiquarian bookseller, writer, pacifist, animal rights campaigner, Quaker and lover of the Hebrides. She fought a courageous fourteen year battle with Parkinson's disease and her tenacity and spirit were an inspiration to us. My brother Jonathan,who lives close to my mother and spent countless hours visiting her, tending to her and advocating for her care, spent the last three days singing and reading to her, sharing stories and memories as she rested peacefully. He was accompanied by his partner Chayley and son Murray in his vigil and he was able to be with my mum at the end.

Mum died on Isobel's one month birthday, and we had just sent her photos of Isobel which my brother showed to her and placed around her room. We were hoping that my mum could meet Isobel in the summer when we were planning to visit.

When my dad died on April 17th 2008 I didn't have this blog and I didn't have Facebook. I sent out a mass email instead. This time I put it on Facebook and sent out an email. It was comforting to get so many responses from people who wrote words of love and support. Especially being far away from most of my small family.

In some ways infertility played into my not being there for my dad's death and my mum's too. We put off visits starting in 2007 when we were starting out on TTC. When my dad died I had let my passport lapse and had to beg the British Embassy to expedite it for me - which they beautifully did - in a matter of days. The last time I saw my mum was in April / May 2008 when we went over for my dad's funeral. TTC and cycles and waiting got in the way of that kind of long distance travel. And the thought was, we were going to get pregnant any day and it would be much more fun to visit with a baby than with a bump. I wanted to visit in May when I was in my second trimester but didn't because of my general anxiety about the pregnancy. Now I am a US citizen but one who has still not applied for a passport - because - well I have been busy. I know that I couldn't get a US passport in a hurry and I also don't want to travel with Isobel when she is so young and vulnerable to viruses and germs. She has had a cold for the past three weeks as it is. The doctor said I could do it, although she is not advocating for it, but I just don't want to. And I need to apply for my passport.

We are going to go in August as originally planned and have a memorial service for mum then. We are going on a family holiday to the Isle of Tiree with my brother and his family and my sister. We will scatter my mum and dad's ashes on the island, which was one of their very favorite places on earth. My brother is planning mum's funeral service which will take place at the crematorium in my home town and then at the Quaker meeting that my mum was a member of for almost 40 yrs. The service is next week, on December 1st.

I have so much other stuff to say - about being a mum, a wife, adopting our daughter, post partum depression, breastfeeding, etc etc. It is so hard to find time to blog. I read blogs while I am breastfeeding or holding Isobel but it's hard to write on the I phone.

I leave you with some pics - of my mum and dad, and of their sweet grand-daughter Isobel.

My mum and dad, Pat and Harry on our favorite beach on the Isle of Tiree, Caolas

mum, reading in one of her favorite places - her garden

Isobel waiting to see the pediatrician for her one month appointment

Isobel on the table at the pediatrician wearing her cousin Murray's baby grow!

Isobel in Pictures!

2010-10-28T20:05:00.000-07:00

We're all doing well and there's so much to say, but I'm too tired. So for now, here are some pictures of our little Isobel. Enjoy!

Our little peanut!

Sneezy!

Sleepy

Pensive

Peek-a-boo!

Talk to the hands!

Introducing the REAL Newest Member of Our Family!

2010-10-18T17:45:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the world Isobel Emily P-S!! Isobel arrived at 4:58 p.m. on 10/17/10 (this past Sunday) rather unexpectedly. She weighed 5 lbs, 13 oz, and is 19 inches long. Because she's so petite, everyone's calling her "Peanut." She's the talk of the nursery because she's so cute!

I had been feeling decreased fetal movement the day before and called my midwife, who told me to go in for a non-stress test around lunchtime Sunday. Little did we know that we'd have a baby by 4:58 p.m.! Because there was less fetal movement and the heart rate showed less activity, that a cesarean section was necessary. I was not dilated. Everything pointed to the fact that she wasn't very happy inside anymore, and had to come out soon.

Susan was by my side all the time, and was a champion! We're glad Isobel came out and didn't have to be in distress. She's a good little breastfeeder and has a lot of courage.

We're completely in love with our little Isobel. She's gorgeous! We can't believe we get to take her home! I have since been diagnosed with pre-eclampsia, and was on magnesium for a day, and had high blood pressure, but it's being resolved.

We'll be at the hospital until Thursday and will be going home to some undone chores!

Meet the newest addition to our family!!!

2010-10-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist that!

Meet Maisie, the duck! She was given to us for our little girl by our friend, Suzanne, who is an irrepressible anglofile and a lover of fine literature and of course, fine art!

She found Maisie at a sale of work ( like a craft fair) in a little English village somewhere near Oxford. It's fitting that our little girl will have a friend like Maisie who like this mama is from England. Maisie has a big tail and two legs but no feet. I am going to have to ask one of my skilled knitting friends to help her out because I think she really would like some feet.

In other news:

We are in the home stretch. Still plenty to do on the home front but we have the bare necessities and lots of clothes. I had this fantasy that our house would be spotless and clutter-less before the baby arrived, but alas, we are not those types of people and we just have to accept that.

I am taking it as easy as I possibly can in between doctor's appointments, tidying, shopping and sleeping in every morning.

On the less glamorous side of things I have swollen feet, legs, eyes, nose, a huge hemorrhoid, a yeast infection and less than reliable bladder control. I am not complaining in the least bit about it. Just telling it like it is. I might be complaining if I had to work - but I don't so I am not.

I got my first disability payment today - for a month off I got approximately 25% of what I normally make. Which does not seem right as the disability company said they are giving me 60% of my salary. It's enough to pay my part of the mortgage. Again not complaining because we have a little back up money - for which I am eternally grateful - otherwise the bills would not be getting paid.

We missed our prepared child birth express class when we were out of town at the end of September visiting S's mom who was dangerously ill. She is hanging in there thank god, and we are scrambling around to figure out how to get by without any kind of birth class preparation. I am reading all my birth books now that I am preparing for the possibility of a vaginal birth but not sure if that will be enough. I don't want to be judged for not doing a class!!! We have great midwives and labor support people and I am hoping they and S will help me get through this. Apparently one thing I have in my favor is that I am not a Type A personality: ( sorry to all you A's out there) - as this sometimes hinders birth because of control issues! Apparently birthing ( according to one of the books I am reading!) is about surrendering to not being in control! Yikes! But what do I know??!! I am just trying feebly to reassure myself that it will be okay.

We did go to the tour of labor and delivery which was guided by an incredibly perky nurse. The part that scared me was when she told us that when the doctor says: "break the bed" that means fold the bed and pull up the stirrups so that you are ready to push! Apparently midwives don't need you to break the bed and are better contortionists and can see what's going on without doing violence to the bed, so hopefully we won't be hearing those scary words! It's a very medicalized setting -even though perky nurse kept telling us that people who work with midwives do it this way and people working with OBs do it another. There is only one birthing tub - which you have to work hard to snag but which is in such a small birthing room that you might all have to sit in the tub together.

So that's it. Miraculously, good things continue to happen over here, the baby is growing, kicking, loving all her meals, becoming more real by the minute.

I am one lucky lady.

on being an old mother and on baby classes (warning: baby doll and fake booby picture)

2010-09-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

Wow - those baby classes are something else. It's like being in a parellel universe where people get pregnant and have babies with regularity and ease and no-one looks like it's at all difficult. And yes, most of these people look to be around 15 years old. Which means they are probably in their twenties and thirties!

I find myself looking at them and wondering what it must be like to a. have a baby when you are "supposed to" i.e. when you are "young" and b. to not be infertile and just tick off baby making on a random shopping list.

Of course I am making a lot of assumptions, but I just can't help it I guess.

Naturally we are the only same sex couple in our classes so far. No one has asked if S is my mother or my sister though, so that's encouraging progress I guess.

We had a lot of giggles in the breast-feeding class - where we were greeted by these words upon entering: "Take a baby and a breast and sit down." Said baby and said breast were both cloth and supposed to be quite life like. We felt compelled to take pictures of the breast and the baby for posterity.

Here they are:

Wish us luck on our next class: prepared birth, the express version!

Head Rest

2010-09-15T19:35:00.000-07:00

Thank you all so much for reaching out and offering me support and hugs and words of wisdom. As someone who could win the bad blogger award of late, I sure got lucky with all of you rallying around me!

It has been a week since I was signed off work for my version of bed-rest, which I lovingly called head-rest. And it's been an interesting week. I am someone who needs structure in my day, so it's been a challenge, but one i think I am managing okay. In between dealing with the disability claim ( not gone anywhere so far, but I have requested forms and I have asked some questions that I am concerned about to our rep) and the other work aftermath / loose ends / drama, I have been resting, going to different doctor's appointments, reaching out to my IRL friends so I won't be horribly lonely, sleeping a lot, and trying my best to be domesticated. The weather has been lovely and I have been able to sit out in the garden and get some rays. I almost feel like I should be walking around under a veil in case I see people ( like clients and staff) who don't understand that when you are on head rest, the last thing you need to do is stay in the house. I live pretty near my work but am far enough away that if I deliberately don't shop in that part of town or hang out there much I can avoid people.

It has not taken too long for me to begin to feel a little bit more sane. Monday was hard because I needed to talk to my boss about various things and especially the big nasty issue that is still looming and not resolved. I have been tearful pretty much most days except to day - which I think is good progress. I think knowing that I am both dispensable and indispensable, and realizing that I have been through way too much stress than is good for one person has helped me a lot. One of my friends once said something about social services to the point of "social work can bleed you dry - even if you have the biggest heart" and she was right. Social work in my experience is pretty well populated by people who would go above and beyond for their clients ( not all social workers, I know....) and the agencies that they work for feel the same and in some ways they take advantage of our good hearts and consciences. I think as a boss I have been guilty of pushing myself too hard but also wanting my staff to push hard too, because the work has to get done and there are never going to be enough people to do it. Although in my defense, I took on a lot of work previously done by my staff so that their burdens could be relieved.

There are times when I think about work and then I think to myself - wow, I don't have to do that again! I remember when I was still at work I would think - wow, only 7 more weeks till I don't have to do that! My boss and I came up with an agreement when I told her ( out of the kindness of my heart, as well as a fair bit of guilt) that I really did not want to return to my job after the baby was born, but I needed the sick leave and I wouldn't mind coming back part time. I could have said nothing, taken off three months and then come in for one day and done a moonlight flit. But I didn't. I think she was relieved that she would be able to plan for my exit and hire someone else in advance. But by the time I left it looked like that was still not happening - or going very slowly. So the plan was for me to take my three months and return as a part time person, doing some direct service / perhaps running a small program that is an offshoot of our larger one. Now that my departure was precipitous and will extend my original leave by about 6 weeks I am not sure what is in store. I am waiting to find out how long I can be on STD and if it can be for two different things: 1. loosing my marbles, and 2. having just had a baby.

One of the other things that has been causing me so much stress, and which I have found it really hard to write about is the plans about how this baby is coming out. I have been told from almost the beginning that I will need a c section because of my humungous uterine fibroid, added to a previous myomectomy ( an intra-uterine one, which is apparently the lowest risk) and thirdly the most recent development, my so called Gestational Diabetes. But at each visit, the doctor has been very reluctant to decisively say one way or another. The midwives, who I started off seeing, still think I can have a vaginal birth and I don't know what to think. I know this may sound trivial to some of my sisters in IF, and I apologize for that, but I really feel like I need to know ahead of time what is going to happen. I don't want uncertainty and unknown ( like the rest of TTC when you are IF) and even if that means a c section I have become okay with that. I know, I know, it's ridiculous to think you are having a child and there will be no uncertainty or ambivalence - I get that. But for some reason I glommed onto the whole scheduled c section thing - I think it's the high tech medicine junkie that I have become after starting out with IUIs in a feminist clinic full of lesbians and graduating to some of the most high tech interventions known to reproductive medicine.

Well my most recent ultrasound put the damper on my plans to have surgery, because the fibroid has moved ( is that even possible?), the baby's head is now below the fibroid, there is no birth canal blockage courtesy of the fibroid, and the baby who has been feet down this whole time has miraculously turned and is facing in the right direction. I know that most people would greet this news with excitement but I didn't. I was upset and scared. And to top it off I really believe that no one at my doctor's office is really that concerned. And no-one has bothered to review the records of my myomectomy surgery, which I am now very dramatically convinced is going to be the sticking point, or the thing that makes me worry about all kinds of horrible things happening if and when I push. Never have I felt so disempowered and unable to speak up for myself. So I talked to a dear friend / family member who is also a midwife and she talked me through questions I could ask the doctors and the midwives so I could know what they thought the risks of a vaginal birth really are - rather than the vague - "oh you should be able to push" discussions we have had.

So I went over there yesterday to get a copy of my medical records and while I was there I told them I thought the baby was not moving as much as usual and could they check me out. So the midwife was there and she checked me out and was very nice, so I decided to tell her my concerns esp about the previous surgery and asked if I could have copies of the surgical report and could she please look at it too and tell me what she thinks. She obliged and had one of the doctors look it over too and their verdict, while not scientific in terms of how much risk there would be, was that this kind of surgery presented a low risk and I should be able to labor. Which is what the surgeon who did my surgery said also, because I emailed him to ask him last week. And then as I am asking her for the most recent ultrasound report, the doctor's nurse comes by, ( Little Miss Mary Sunshine herself) and sees us looking at the records in the very tiny corridor and says, "Oh, C......, are you worrying again, oh you are such a worrier!" almost amused and scolding at the same time, to which I replied, "Yes I am worrying, it's in my nature, it's my pathology," in a snarky way. Apparently worrying about whether you are going to make the right or wrong decision about child birth is just plain silly! And you know, looking at medical records, well that's just plain neurotic! And you know what's even more ridiculous, the frickin' doctor had not even bothered to look at them himself. No one had signed the record as reviewing it till I asked the midwife to do it. Aaaargh!

They sent me over to the Fetal and Maternal Medicine department for a fluid check and a non stress test ( which contrary to my pre conceived notions has nothing to do with being on a treadmill with an electrode on your heart). It turned out the fluid is a 13 ( fine apparently), the baby is moving around something fierce, and all is well. I just can't feel her that well because of the position of the placenta.

So the ending to this part of the story is that I am slowly getting used to the idea of a vaginal birth and all that entails and considering reading some of the many books I ordered on the subject when I first found out I was more than 12 weeks pregnant. I even have an appointment with the other midwife to talk about birth and we will be attending the express version of the prepared childbirth classes along with the usual breast-feeding, CPR and baby care classes.

So all in all, I am grateful that I have job that gives me short term disability (fx everyone!) and that I can take this time off, even though that's not the way I planned it at all. I am trying to schedule at least one thing out of the house every day ( which I hear is good training for mommy-hood) and trying not to feel like a failure or a slug. And most of all I am extremely grateful to be in this position because I am a pregnant old lady who is very very excited to meet her little sweet pea. I am so excited sometimes that I really really want to say her name out loud to people but I promised I wouldn't and I want it to be both a surprise for others as well as a fait accomplis, so no-one can say, are you sure you want to call her Abyssinia? ( for example!)

Thanks again for all your support and encouragement. I hope that I will be a better blogger now that I have more time, and I hope to be commenting more on everyone else's blogs too:)

Today is a bad bad day for me - but our baby is doing fine

2010-09-09T10:31:00.000-07:00

My shrink signed me off work for the duration.
I have been dealing with some incredible stress at work and it just got too much.
I can't go into detail here - suffice to say I cried all the way to the doctor and all the way home.
I hope I can get short term disability - we are going to be broke either way.
I am sorry to be so vague, but I still need some cheers without being able to dish.
On the way to the shrink I couldn't feel the baby move - and that was even more freaky - but she has since woken up and kicked me a few times so I am relieved.
I am going to bed for a nap - just so exhausted.

A wedding and honeymoon

2010-08-08T22:22:00.000-07:00

I know it looks like I got married and then disappeared into the Bermuda triangle - but it's not true.
Unless the Bermuda triangle is one of those places where one feels blissfully happy and really does not want to emerge into reality again.

I wanted to write about the wedding but I was so tired and so happy and so afraid I would not be able to describe the whole thing in the way I wanted to. So I didn't. Maybe I'll feel like that when it comes to telling the birth story of our little one that is kicking me right now and asking for a snack or maybe another turn in the pool at our honey moon fantasy suite. ( No that's Bachelorette language, T -Gal!) We are on our way to our honeymoon / babymoon / big holiday of the summer and staying in a swanky hotel in GreenBay Wisconsin - yes, there are places that are swanky in Wisconsin, thank you very much! We are on our way to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan to stay in our favorite midwestern cottage by a wonderful quiet private heavenly lake. We plan to swim, eat, sleep, play, read, relax, kayak and not do a whole lot else. Heaven!!!

I know I am digressing from the whole point of this post, but I have to go off on a tangent for a bit. When our dear dog, Ollie was so sick, for some weird reason I found comfort in the mindlessness of that program "The Bachelorette". Susan cannot understand my penchant for this kind of trash tv - but something about the mindless drama that is a cross between a train-wreck and a Hallmark movie makes it compelling for me. Especially when I deal with people's troubles on a daily basis; I just need that kind of escapism.

Well, fast forward a couple of weeks to the weekend after our wedding, and the juxtaposition of our meaningful and tender and sweet and amazing our ceremony against the fake, blind heterosexism of the Bachelorette was almost enough to make me stop watching. I say almost, because my idle curiosity got the better of me and I ended up watching it anyway. It just made me think how the mainstream is so messed up that we ( including me) idealize or idolize the idea of romance, and swooning new blinded love, that we are prepared to see two people who have barely lived in the real world with each other propose and get married to each other. That we condone and applaud them making such a huge decision based on hormones and faith and champagne makes me a little nauseated.

Everyone who witnessed the marriage signed a copy of our vows
which we will frame and hang at home: this is a
Quaker tradition - ( I was brought up a Quaker)

Susan and I have been together for almost 12 years, and yes we waited a long time to get married - even while we talked about it practically every other day - but we knew in the weeks and months of planning and on that amazing day, that we really do mean it, we really have proven our love and commitment to each other, we have been through the hedge backwards and forwards with and for each other and this means so much to us. We hesitated for a long time about marriage because we wanted it to mean the same thing it does for everyone else - you know, meaningful and legal, but recently we decided in a flash of inspiration that we really didn't have to wait around for anyone else's permission or blessing to get married ( at least that of the state or the federal government ) and that all we had to do was to decide this was important to us and we were doing it. Fortunately we belong to a church that has been doing gay and lesbian weddings for a long time, and that was the obvious place to hold the ceremony.

The cake my niece made ( well she made four actually)
Just after we cut it.

The altar with a tea cosy with our names and the date of our wedding crafted by a very talented friend, pictures of our parents, dogs, the rainbow candelabra, a rattle for the baby, the four elements, flowers, candles ( one for our family members who couldn't be there)

We had so much fun planning the ceremony - it had elements of our whole history in it - including the procession which was accompanied by some really cool drumming gals - ( yes, we met at a women's drum circle), some Unitarian Universalist hymns, ( we attended a UU church for about 8 years together), some serious lesbian music by the likes of Chris Williamson and some folk songs for good measure. Susan, being in seminary, did a great job of crafting most of the service herself, which I was glad about.

We wrote our own vows, which was surprisingly easy to do, exchanged neo celtic rings ( mine which I ordered two sizes bigger than my usual one barely fit!) and had a non traditional English tea for the reception. We made the sandwiches, ( yes, there was cucumber involved), iced tea, and my niece made our cake in a feat of brilliance and love. Oh yes, and we had a drum circle at the reception which got kids and adults alike boogeying. Our wonderful dog walker did the flower arrangements in about an hour ( with help from some of our friends) and got them from a local supermarket, complete with vases from the Salvation Army. Our two nieces were "bridesmaids" - which meant that they walked down the aisle first with beautiful bouquets of flowers, each of us had a sister there to be with us, and Susan's best and oldest friend came with one of her super cool daughters. Friends and family offered readings and blessings to us. And we had an "alternative"gift registry which consisted of things like: flowers from your garden, a homemade picture frame, a massage and a gift certificate to your favorite restaurant. We were conflicted about having a registry, but people kept asking and we came up with this idea. It's not like we need any more stuff. So we get to be treated to lots of fun experiences and think of the friends who gave them to us while we enjoy them!

Flowers - in progress!

It was a lot of work, and in 90 degree heat with no air conditioning ( I kept telling people to think of it as an outdoor wedding with shade), but we are both so glad we did it. So many people have congratulated us and recognized us and made us feel like getting married has had an impact on others as well as ourselves. I guess I was surprised at even though our marriage is not "legal" it has been embraced by our friends and family as something very real.

Well, it's late and I am going to leave you with these pictures - of the wedding and of our honeymoon destination. I am not sure how coherent this post is, but I really hope that it gives you all some idea of this part of our experience in the last few weeks.

Baby girl is doing well, measuring right what she needs to be, I can feel her kicking and wriggling around despite the position of the placenta, and once we get home we need to kick into high gear. We finally did a registry - yikes! As I said to someone today, it's going to be sprint to the finish!

The drum performance group, She-boom playing us in!

Saying our vows ( me with blonde hair )

We're married!

Bin a Gamme - ( Clear Lake nr Watersmeet, MI)

Me kayaking on Clear Lake two years ago - a lot has happened since then!!!

Four cats, a dog, two gals and a wedding

2010-07-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

Firstly, thank you all for your sweet messages about our beloved dog Ollie.
It'a hard to believe it's just a week since I wrote that last post about him.
We miss him and so does Dylan - although he seems to be adjusting surprisingly well.
He has been diagnosed with pneumonia - after yet another visit to the vet. And one of our four cats, Blackie, is on antibiotics after having an abscess from probably being in a fight. Fun times!

But in wedding news we are plugging away at our Do It Yourself wedding, which will happen on Saturday July 17th at 2pm CST.

It has been really fun planning it and we had a really good rehearsal last night. Even though we are doing it on the cheap we are still spending more than we can afford. God knows how people who do it "properly" manage!

If I don't sound very excited it's because we still have loads to do to get the house ready for company, buy and make the food and just generally wrangle lots of little details into order and I have not been feeling well.
I have this really weird metallic taste in my mouth and a feeling of being hyper that I have had for about a week. I mentioned it to my midwife the other day and she didn't have much to say about it. It's getting me down.

It's really hard to concentrate at work because there are so many things to do in approximately 5 days and not enough time or energy. And work is driving me nuts - especially as we have our latest infestation of bed bugs to deal with and one client who is not prepared to do anything to prepare for the exterminators. I can't really go into details here, but suffice to say, I am so over this!!!!

Well, that's all for now folks, I am so beat, but I did want to shout out to you all, and especially to the nice person who sent our wedding news to the LFCA. Thank you!

Our Sweet Oliver

2010-07-05T17:33:00.000-07:00

Oliver

Dylan and Oliver

Dylan

Oliver

Our dear Oliver "Twist" ( in the purple collar and with the face closeups) died this Friday July 2nd at about 5pm at the age of 13 years and 8 months. He had been sick for about a month and really declining for the past two weeks. We found out he had a mass on his liver about two weeks ago and this had coincided with loss of appetite and vomiting. Since his diagnosis he subsisted on a diet of whatever he could stand to eat -varying from chicken, A/D presciption diet, to bread dipped in broth, to pedialyte, Fris.kies mixed grill cat food and in his last days pizza crust. He eschewed the burgers, turkey and gourmet dog food we offered him but once in a while he would perk up and come into the kitchen and then it was a frantic guessing game for us to figure out what he would eat. He was obviously hungry, but really nauseated. We gave him fluids and had him at the vets for two days the first week getting IV fluids, chinese medicine and anything else they could think of to jump start his appetite. That first week we were almost ready to put him to sleep but he rallied after two days at the vets, demanded to be walked and was interested in food again for a short while. The last week he spent at home, with us tending to his delicate appetite, giving him fluids and taking him on very short walks. His best moment was last Sunday when we took him and his brother Dylan to the beach. He did not want to run around or chase a ball, but he quite happily waded in the water up to his chest and drank some lake water, while Dylan ran around like a maniac after his kong.
We weren't sure how Dylan was going to cope with this- they are litter mates, maybe even twins, and have been inseparable since they were twelve weeks old when they came to live with me and my ex, K. Oliver was always the sweet lover boy who just wanted to lick you, snuggle with you and have a quiet life. If it hadn't been for Dylan, he probably would have had a quiet life, but Dylan was always trying to get him to play and fight and wrassle! Even though Dylan looks like the alpha dog, he is actually a bit of a scaredy boy and we always saw Ollie as the one who was more confident and less anxious. Ollie could handle it when Dylan was away for a short time ( like at the vets) but Dylan would howl when Ollie went away. Over the past 6 or 7 years Ollie has had lots of trips to the vets: pancreatitis, any kind of itis of the stomach and colon, and we have worked really hard to find a diet and a regime that worked well for him and for Dylan. We found a really good food combination last summer and they had both been doing well until January, when Ollie got sick again and was treated with the ever useful Metronidizole. One liver enzyme was a bit elevated but the vet was not too worried. He was fine after that until a week or so before they went in for their check ups this June when he had had some vomiting and nausea. They both had blood panels and Oliver's came back with two liver enzymes elevated- one alarmingly so. And we started on the rollercoaster of X-rays, Ultrasounds, diagnoses, meds and fluids. We knew that all we could give was palliative care and that we couldn't cure him, but we all kept hoping that he would regain his appetite and be able to have more life left in him.

During the last two weeks, it has been hard not to be mad with Dylan - he has seemed almost oblivious to Oliver's illness, been very demanding and hyper and pushing and shoving. Our dogwalker pointed out that she thinks he was just really anxious about Ollie being sick and this was his way of showing it. When I figured that out it was easier to be compassionate towards him.

We decided on Thursday that we needed to let Ollie go and that he we couldn't alleviate his suffering anymore. So we made an appointment at our vets to euthanize him on Friday evening. Our vet, Maria, has been wonderful over the past five or so years since we switched to her becuase our previous vet had just thrown up her hands at Oliver's various stomach troubles. We brought Dylan with us and were able to sit with Ollie, Dylan and Maria and talk about Ollie's life and how he came into our lives and what a wonderful companion he has been. We sat on the floor with him on a cushion and blankets and told him we loved him and when he was ready she gave him the medicine that put him to sleep and stopped his heart. He looked so peaceful and it happened so fast. We were distraught. Dylan sniffed at him and we kissed him good-bye.

Since then we have been looking at our pictures of him and Dylan and trying to remember all the good times we had with Oliver, the travels, rolling around on hotel room carpets, running on beaches, splashing in lakes, wrestling with his brother, and rolling in the grass and the licks and cuddles. Mostly we have been comforting each other and trying to comfort Dylan who has reverted to his old slower, hesitant self. When we go for walks he lags on the way out and rushes on the way back. He smells the ground as if he is looking for Ollie's scent and looks around the house when he returns from being out. It is so surreal without Ollie. He and Dylan were our first dogs and we were all devoted to each other. Susan came into Ollie's life when he was two and when me and my ex were splitting up. Dylan had always been my special boy, even though I did most of the care- taking of both of them, and Oliver was my ex's special boy. When Susan and I got together she became Ollie's special mom and she really took care of him, looked out for him and was such a good momma to him. The last few weeks have definitely shown me a side of Susan that I knew was there but have never seen in such high definition. She is a wonderful care-taker and is going to make a wonderful baby momma! She is the most tender-hearted, strong, wonderful person and the only good thing to come from all this sadness is knowing that more than ever I have found the right human for me.

on gender - or is it sex?

2010-06-14T18:05:00.000-07:00

The news is in!

yup, it's a girl!

Tireegal, Tireegal, where have you been?

2010-06-06T22:04:00.000-07:00

It's been a humdrum kind of time - which when you have been on the roller-coaster I have recently is sort of a welcome lull.
So far things are all quiet on the uterine front. ( Thank you, thank you Higher Powers, Goddesses and Deities!) I had to have a bit of a talk to my ob practice ( namely the doctor in charge) after my little drama in L and D. No-one followed up on me after my level two ultra-sound and I had to go in after our weekend away and demand some answers - or at least some acknowledgment that there might be a problem, Huston. The midwife didn't bother to call me; I got to call and talk to her nurse just before we went on our weekend to Michigan, who told me she thought I should just take it easy and come back in a month. The Monday after I got back I was so worried and freaked out and feeling completely neglected and invisible that I called them up and told them the problem. I got to talk to the head OBs nurse and she told me to come in right away, which I did. I then proceeded to tell her that I had not gotten the follow up or advice I needed, that it took me forever to get pregnant and had taken a huge emotional, psychological and financial toll on me, and please could I get some answers? She was sympathetic and proactive and I did finally get to see the doctor, who gave me an apology of sorts for not following up with me after my fun bleeding episode. He examined me - declared me okay for now, and promised to do more follow up - more ultra-sound and more monitoring of the situation. He told me I will be having a c-section almost for sure and I can see the midwives but I have to see him. At this point I am kind of pissed at the midwives. I have barely seen them and each time has been rushed. And the one who sent me to L and D didn't even bother to call and see how I was. Maybe that's just their protocol - maybe I was asking for too much, but I am still kind of pissed. So I have a midwife appointment on Thursday which I will probably go to so I can get the wholistic treatment and then after my second level two ultrasound on Monday 14th ( where we hope to find out the sex of the baby) I go back to see the doc again. When I saw him two weeks ago at 17 weeks I was measuring 24 weeks because of my big ass fibroid. I am of the conviction that I should not be making any plans after the beginning of September - just in case. He told me of the risks and signs of pre-term labor - which I will be prone to - and sent me on my merry way.

In other news: Susan and I have been busy planning our wedding which is July 17th at our very crunchy, funky, liberal UCC church. It is going to be a simple affair ( I know, that's what they all say) and the most planning that is going into it is the actual service itself - as Susan is studying to be a minister she has a good handle on it - and picking the music, readings, etc etc. Neither of us knows what we are going to wear. No it won't be white dresses either. We know what we will be serving ( tea with sandwiches, scones and cookies - prepared by S, my nieces and I ) and a wedding cake made by my baking aficionado niece C. The biggest issues are: how will we keep it all cool with only one fridge at the church (answer; coolers) how will people survive in the un -airconditioned sanctuary ( answer: colorful paper fans provided by us and a liberal supply of water) and yes, what will we wear? ( answer: we dont' know!) We have some ideas for rings: did you know that if you google "rings" you get one price and if you google "wedding rings' you get another one about 5 x higher? We are going to get silver rings probably with a celtic design. Not posh or expensive. We are not sure what to have engraved inside. As my fingers are beginning to swell I am a bit concerned about what size to get - esp as at some point the ring will be too big for me! We still have to write our vows. So far 61 people say they are coming out of a possible 150 and 50 have not responded. We decided on the date at the last minute and lots of people are going out of town. I am really excited to be getting married after almost twelve years and it's such fun planning it with S. Yes, I know that's a cliche! And no, it's not legal either. But we aren't letting that stop us. Maybe we will run off to Iowa or DC one of these days to get a piece of paper recognized in about 6 or 7 states? Who knows?

In Blogland: I have been reading all of you on my blogroll - but I tend to do it late at night on the couch with my I-phone. Hence my pitiful lack of commenting. I am glad that you are all still there -and to those of my sisters in the muddy TTC trenches of this journey, I hold my breath as I read your posts and pray you don't disappear off the blogosphere, even though you are discouraged and spent and I have no right to make such demands on you. I value you so much and I wish that we could sit around with cups of tea and other fun beverages and share in a big fun messy comfortable circle of friends.

In animal news: The kitties still don't have homes and after conferring with the local stray / feral cat people we decided to let them all out again. They love their territory and apparently it's rarely successful re-locating cats like these who are so rooted to their place. We are still hoping to find indoor / outdoor homes for the two lovers Blackie and Sidekick - who still come in and out, and Mama Cass who makes an appearance when she feels like it. We think Twinkletoes would be a great pet and of course Georgia Peach -who is so so shy you can't really get close. But others don't think so and the shelters are over-run with cats and dogs that are victims of foreclosures. The cat shelter told us the cats would do really badly in a shelter and the most humane thing would be to leave them where they are. We were so close to finding a home for Blackie and Sidekick but the couple who came to see them felt that they hadn't "bonded with them" enough in their short visit. I was heartbroken. We still feed the cats and provide them with shelter and water. We still say hi to them when they are sunning themselves in the garden. We are still their guardians. And the dogs; well they are 13 and a half and slowing down a lot. Both of them have had upset stomachs for the few weeks or so and the usual medicine is not helping. I am taking them to the vets for their yearly shots next weekend and hoping to get some ideas for healing their tummies. They have been doing so well on a special and expensive diet for about a year, but currently Ollie is refusing food a lot and is favoring chicken and rice on his own schedule.

Okay, this is getting long, boring and rambly...

Good-night all,
TG:)

holding steady (or medical intervention all the way on this pregnancy)

2010-05-21T11:25:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much for all of your lovely comments and concerns. Here's the scooparooney.
We had the ultrasound yesterday and Womble was doing fine. Wiggling around and being cute. Weighing about 8 oz!
The verdict seems to be the fibroid is irritating my uterus and maybe breaking down sending funny hormones around and getting my ute in a tizzy.
The doc at the ultrasound place did not seem too fazed by it. Neither did the doc who is in the midwives practice that was on call while I was at the hospital.
I have to go back after my anatomy scan on June 19th and see the doc - instead of the nurse midwives and talk C-section. The fibroid is right above my cervix -hasn't budged or got smaller. No way out for baby that way unless something moves.
Hmm.... I might be selling all the natural childbirth books I diligently bought but have not read!
Doctor's orders:No strenuous exercise, no pre-natal yoga, take it easy. ( ho hum that will be hard!)
Still a tiny bit of pink showing otherwise cramps and bleeding gone.
We are heading to Michigan to a B and B for a much needed break this weekend. Wish it was longer. I am so glad to get out of town, spend some much needed time with my sweetie - who passed her interview with flying colors - yeah!
Thanks so much to all of you for worrying about me:)
I will be off line but checking my i phone this weekend and will catch up on blogging next week:)

Cramping and bleeding in L and D with update*

2010-05-19T16:46:00.000-07:00

Yup, just when all was going smoothly I end up bleeding and driving myself to Labor and Delivery.
Driving home early from work to meet the engineer and the plumber I felt a bit crampy, when I got out if my car I felt damp and when I got to the bathroom there was blood covering my undies and my pants. Commence calm panic while giving instructions to the engineer who arrived as I was running through the house knickerless!
I called the midwife who told me to come to the hospital L and D department and check myself in.
I got here fast and Susan zoomed the twenty plus miles from work to get here just in time to see an ultrasound of my nicely closed cervix but too late to see the happy go lucky wiggly baby doing the fandango in the uterus.
The verdict: inconclusive. It could be my fibroid which is low and near my cervix, it could be th remainder of the subchorionic hemotoma.
I get a thorough wanding as well as the regular ultrasounds. They decide to monitor me: it turns out I'm have some contractions. They're about to put me on pelvic rest and send me home when I feel more bleeding. So I'm still stuck here while they decide what to do. Breathe breathe breathe.
Guess I won't be going to pre-natal yoga tomorrow after all.
We're waiting to find out the verdict.
Breathe breathe breathe.

* update:
they sent us home after a few hours with an order for an ultrasound in fetal diagnostics today. I had some more cramping and bleeding last night but the bleeding has now stopped. Still feeling a bit crampy. I'm waiting for Susan to come home to take me to the appointment at 1pm. She has one of the most important interviews of her new career - to get into "in care status" with the local UCC conference. It's really hard to get an interview and she wouldn't have been able to get one til fall - so I'm like, GO! She needs to be "in care" for two years before she can be ordained - so it's a big ass deal esp. with timing her career change. Go Susie, go Susie!

Who's the father? Or A little distraction for Mothers' day...

2010-05-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

Yes, I finally got asked the million dollar question today. It came from a very nice, very intelligent engineer guy who has been master-minding the solution to the insidious basement seepage that had made our floors buckle and our wallets groan.
He's been over to our house the past three Saturdays for whole mornings, over-seeing the rodding of our sewers, cleaning of our catch basin and most recently spearheading the discovery of a crack in our foundation. Next Saturday he and the plumber will be here all day digging a big hole under our laundry closet down to the sewer to fix a broken pipe that caused the damp in our kitchen ( or we hope that it is the cause!)
I was talking about how we had a lot going on and were trying to get our house in order, and errrm, I am errm pregnant. He looked surprised but interested and said:
"Oh, wow, you're pregnant?"
Then without skipping a beat:
"So who's the father?"
Me: errm, we have a donor. An anonymous donor.
Him: oh, interesting
Me: well, you know, Susan has a low sperm count
Him: oh yeah, chuckle!

That was it - I walked away back into the kitchen and it was business as usual.
I kept playing the whole thing over in my head. How did that happen so fast? It seemed to go okay. I thought I was kind of funny. Wow, he didn't have any qualms about asking that question. He's seen us together the past three weeks - he must know we are a couple....hmmm.hmmm....weird!!!

Now for the question that's really going to be priceless:
How will I respond when it's one of my clients who asks?

Heartbroken - none baby related

2010-05-05T19:51:00.000-07:00

I don't have the emotional energy to tell the whole story now, but we have been fostering / sheltering some neighborhood stray / feral cats ( all sweet, non -aggressive but very shy) and we've been trying to find homes for them so they can ditch their outside lifestyle for something more comfortable and permanent. Here are the kitties.
We housed them in our back bedroom over the winter ( and they were free to come and go when the weather improved) and were optimistic about finding them homes this spring. Well you know it's kitten season, everyone is getting foreclosed on and giving up their pets, and our cats aren't what you would call "desirable" in the adoption world.

We have tried and tried to find them suitable loving and understanding homes and even had two visits this weekend with prospective adopters, and each ended up with a heartbreaking and resounding NO.
We consulted the local shelter who said they would do terribly in a shelter and be way stressed; relocating to a farm would be cruel as it's taking them out of their own environment and they often get lost or disappear and don't return.

They need a house with a cat door and a yard and someone to love them forever. We happened on this whole thing by accident and our teeny "spare" room was overtaken with sweet and funny cats, litter-boxes and fur-balls and S is allergic and we need somewhere to be at least half a baby room. And our two dogs want to eat them. I never planned to have cats. I love them but because of S's allergies it was out of the question. They showed up under the neighbors porch two years ago and I started feeding them and spayed / neutered them, provided them with heated shelters, cared for a litter of kittens that they had, found the kittens homes and gradually these adult cats started hanging around more and wanting to be with us and bond with us.

I have become so attached to them. I have been sobbing for three days at the thought that the only solution ( according to the feral cat lady at the local shelter ) is to acclimatize them back to being permanent outdoor cats with shelters and heated bowls and the perils of crossing the roads and having to fight for territory with big- ass big- balled strays and neighborhood bully cats.
If you read this and feel you could give one or more of them a home, I will drive any of them up to 500 miles to get to you ( isn't that a song?)
I know it's a long shot. And if you can't do anything, please send happy home vibes their way.
Thank you:)

What if?

2010-05-01T12:01:00.000-07:00

This post is a part of National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24th–May 1st) and an awe inspiring joint venture between Melissa and Resolve.

Read about Infertility here.

It's called Project If and there you will find the original What If's as well as the posts written in response to them here.

So I couldn't think of a What If, because to tell the truth I feel so lucky and surprised to be pregnant it's hard to go to the land of what if right now. Except when I wonder every day - what if my baby's heart has stopped beating? That's the biggest what if in my conscious mind. And it happens over and over every day. I even rehearse the bad sad posts in my head because I am convinced that one day this will all be over. So yeah, I am not so happy go lucky as I would like these days

After my 14 week unscheduled visit to my midwife ( because of a fall I had while walking my dogs - and spying gang bangers - ) and hearing the hearbeat at 148 BPM I am feeling a little reassured.

So I didn't know what to write my What If about. And then last night I had the weirdest dream.

It involved our sperm donor, our egg donor and our remaining embryos. The What If was one of those greedy what if's that only people with one child are lucky enough to have. Yes, I'm ahead of the game. It was what if this baby that is growing inside me is the only one we ever have. Yes, I know that seems ungrateful to me and it certainly seems ungrateful if you are one of the hundreds of thousands ( and probably more) women struggling to have even one baby. But this is how my dreaming subconscious showed it to me:

(Insert funky dream music here)

The Big Business Fertility Clinic told us that of the remaining five embryos that we were hoping to use to conceive baby number two, two had been thawed wrong ( and they mumbled something about not reading the instructions properly - WHAT?!!!!) And the three left didn't look promising. We could put them all back or try for another cycle with our donor.

The egg donor was in a room at the clinic and we were begging her to donate again because the remaining embryos didn't look good. She said she was scared to and that last time the people at the clinic had not treated her very well and been very blase about med doses and basically asked her what SHE thought was a good dose.

The sperm donor had gotten hold of our bank account number and had deposited twenty Euros into our account just to let us know that he could and to mess with our heads.

We were beside ourselves......

When I woke up this morning and told Susan about my dream I had no idea what it meant. And I am not one of those people who goes around interpreting my dreams. But then I looked at the three scenarios and realized what I thought it was all about.

In all three scenarios we were not in control - yes, there was a semblance of control in that we could say we had five embryos ( which the clinic interfered with) we had an egg donor ( who the clinic had treated badly) and a sperm donor ( who was playing games with us). But how much control did we really have and how much do we have? Not a whole lot. And that, dear readers, is how the vast majority of us IFers live our lives. Bargaining with God, praying for good news, reaching out for that inevitable next plan and next addictive morsel of hope that comes with the plan. Not in a whole lot of control. The only control, I venture to say, is the kind of control that comes with letting go and knowing that our reaction to disappointment, loss, heartbreak is the only thing we can control. Or that's what we like to believe.

The decision to use donor eggs came out of a wish for some kind of control. I wanted those embryos in my body, I didn't want to be at the mercy of the whims of first parents who might not pick us ( I mean, who would?) or social service departments nosing in our business and saying our house was too small or too untidy or too below ground! I wanted some say. Even if it was just in picking donors that we liked and felt some kinship with. Some people call this buying a baby. I do not.

By some fluke I had excellent insurance which would cover most of the procedures if not the eggs and sperm or freezing. It was the quickest, least costly way to our baby - and the one with the highest chance of success. And so far it has worked. My fantasy of having some kind of control has almost born fruit. I have a baby inside me with a beating heart and the usual number of limbs and organs. But my dream showed me how little control I really have, how many things can ( and have ) gone wrong and how fragile this life inside me is.

And because I don't know what else to do, I pray everyday that this little one inside me knows how to go on living and breathing despite my worry and despite the fact that I can't control much about this whole experience. I can eat, exercise, take deep breaths, stay off of high buildings and hope that the love I feel for this baby will keep her safe.

What if my baby is born well and she is beautiful and we are the happiest parents alive? And what if, when the time is right, we have another one?

I'm still here (with Womble) with video!

2010-04-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

Yes I am.
I have about five blog posts in my head and I fear they might stay there for a while.

And for those of you who didn't get it - here are The Wombles and this is some background information on them!

The baby:
I think things are okay. I am just starting my 14th week. The week before last I heard the heartbeat three times in one week. I know - just plain greedy. The first at the new midwives' office, the second at the old midwives' office ( who I found out does take my new insurance after all) and the third at the old midwives' office ( and now my chosen one) during the triple screen ultrasound. The rates were, in chronological order: 162, 153, 132. Which made me freak out a little - is the baby's heart getting weaker? Why is the rate going down? The midwives' nurse who I called in desperation on Friday told me it's all within normal limits and it fluctuates. I could not convince her that I needed to come in and hear the heartbeat again. I couldn't convince myself. But I'm still worried. And trolling for a Doppler on the internet.
We got to see the baby and S took a cute little video and the Womble ( more on that later) was wriggling around and being super-uncooperative - which being a rebel myself I admire! But we got to see the neck and the nose bone and they both looked good ( to the U/S tech - to me it was all a blur).
We got the results of the triple screen and because our donor is very young, I was told that my risks are those of a twenty year old. I almost didn't have the triple screen - we had already decided that if the baby has Down's Syndrome we will be fine with that, but the midwife had reminded me that the other two Trisomies that they screen for are "incompatible with life" so I decided to do it. And was glad to get bonus views of the Womble. And I know that I am very fortunate to be carrying twenty year old eggs in this body that is twice that age.

Feeling better:
After reading all your comments and emailing my doctor I decided to extend my med regime a little. So tonight I take my last prometrium pills and this morning I took my last estradiol. I am not sure if it's being almost fourteen weeks, or weaning off the drugs, but I am feeling a lot better. So much so that I was able to deal with a grueling weekend chock-full of activities - a large part of which involved packing and getting ready for movers to come to our house and move some furniture, go to our storage unit and re-claim our very comfy couch which has been there since we cleared the house out in 2006 / 7 to get ready to sell it but the market was tanking and we re-considered. We donated a lot of furniture to a church rummage sale and now our storage unit is lighter and we may be able to down-size! And we ( and the dogs) are both in ecstacy about how comfy our old couch is and how we missed it! We promise never to cheat with another couch again!

Womble:
We decided on this nick-name in bed this morning. We had thought of Pookie and we were lying in bed procrastinating and the name Womble came into my head. It's from my child-hood. I am not going to say more but I wonder if any of you clever people ( esp. Brits - know what I am talking about!) Answers in the comment section - or on a post-card please:)

Still a pessimist:
People have been extremely nice and very excited for us, but despite that I really am having a hard time believing this is all real. I am don't want to spell it out, but let's just say, I am a convicted pessimist.

Blogging:
I have been quite blogging-avoidant recently. The amount of time it takes me to read the blogs on my list and to comment is one of the things that sometimes overwhelms me. Especially when I don't have time to do it in the day. Part of me has realized very reluctantly and with much guilt and self flagellation that I need to step away from the internet more ( and the internet and you wonderful people have been some of my closest friends for over two and a half years now) and develop some connections in the life I have here, in addition to my cyber friends. And that feels like abandonment to me and it's hard. Especially as I am very attached to you all and I believe it is reciprocated. Another thing that strikes me sometimes is that what I know about trying to conceive and pregnancy I learnt from the ALI community. This means that I know a lot about heartache and heartbreak and everything that can go wrong from trying to get pregnant to being pregnant and to loosing a baby. I am not saying that I don't want to hear about my sisters' sorrows and upsets, but I do need to find a way to bring some light into my head around the whole baby issue. Because right now it's pretty gloomy. One thing I know is that I gain tremendous gratification from reading your blogs and commenting and commiserating and cheering you all on. I don't want to stop doing that. I do need to develop my "other life" though. Since S has been in school and we have been TTC I have become more reclusive and less sociable and I realize that I need to feel a community that is geographically close and venture out more into the world, for the sake of myself and of course our Womble.
I don't know exactly what this means for the future of my blogging. I don't think I am going away. I might do things a bit differently. I really don't know. This whole blog-land has been such a saving grace to me, but I am also obsessive about things and I need to find a better balance. I dread saying this because I don't want to hurt or offend anyone - but I do have to be true to how I feel - always trying to be kind in my truth of course.

So that's the low down on life over here.
I appreciate your support and I also appreciate if you don't want to support me after reading this post. I've done a lot of telling myself off over this, so don't feel you have to, but I hope I can handle it if you do feel the need.

xoxoxox

TG:)

Scared to go off my meds - do I need IF rehab? with update

2010-04-06T20:40:00.000-07:00

Help! I'm going off my meds and I am scared to do it. Will the lack of meds screw this whole thing up?
I am at the beginning of week 11.
I know you are not doctors ( well not all of you!) but here goes.
Here is my current protocol:
4mg estradiol 2x per day
400mg prometrium 1x per day
1 cc progesterone in oil 1x per day

These are the instructions I got from my doc when I emailed him to say I was so excited last week when we met I couldn't remember any of the instructions:

Decrease the dose of estradiol to 4 mg daily instead of twice daily and then discontinue in 1 week.
Decrease the 1cc Progesterone to 1/2 cc and then DC in 1 week.
In 1 week decrease the Prometrium to 200 mg and then discontinue after 1 week.

I am worried that it's all going to be over when I stop taking the meds. Remember I did an FET with BCP suppression, Lupron, tons of estradiol and progesterone. None of my own hormones to speak of. The theory is that the placenta will take over. Please tell me that's true. I am tempted to keep taking the progesterone a bit longer but would that mess with the other meds?
Why don't I just ask the doc? Well, I got discharged last week! He did say to let him know if I had questions, etc. Ho hum.

What to do?

**** the update is... i emailed my RE and he explained the whole placenta thing - well in one sentence really and said I could stay on an extra week if I wanted. I decided to split the difference and start the weaning on the weekend rather than today. I was calculating and the babe has been in me for 8 weeks exactly since transfer and it was 5 days old when transfered. So now I am like - how can I be in my 11th week? I know it's all these due date tricks they play! thanks for the reassurance and hope:)

Baby waves!

2010-03-30T10:24:00.000-07:00

Yes, everything when fine, despite all my feelings of doom and gloom and self-fulfilling prophecies.
The baby waved at us after the u/ s tech woke her up.
She has arms and a head and a body. We think she has legs too but we couldn't really see them.
Her HB was 175 BPM.
S asked on the way home if we should consider a nickname for our little one.
Sweet! We haven't come up with anything yet, but knowing my propensity for making up names on the spot, it could happen at any minute!
There is more to say but work is completely crazy and I was off with a cold yesterday so it's even worse than usual.
Stay tuned!
Thanks for all the cheers again!

The next ultrasound

2010-03-25T20:53:00.000-07:00

Firstly, thanks for all your words of support and "been there" and hope and love. You all rock, seriously. Couldn't do it without you.
I didn't want to keep anyone in suspense but I couldn't decide what to do and was vacillating on my course of action. NOT because I wasn't ready to give that nurse a piece of my mind, but mostly about scheduling and needing my honey with me.
So I decided to wait. S is out of town and I don't want an ultrasound without her there at this crucial stage. She returns on Monday and we are going together on Tuesday for our final visit to the RE and for the ultrasound.
The good news is the bleeding has again abated. I have plenty of pregnancy signs and symptoms - most notable complete exhaustion, a weird yo-yo-ing appetite; I'm ravenous, I'm full, I feel sick, I'm going to retch, give me food! give me more food! Give me 7 up. Ice cream. Pancakes. Eggs. Fruit. Yoghurt. Potatoes. I am a big fan of ginger candies for the nausea.
You get the picture. I think I am still pregnant. I know I didn't have a miscarriage. I believe that Baby A's heart is still beating. I am trying to nurture hope.
You can guarantee you'll be the first internets to know how things go on Tuesday.
Have a great weekend all.

Next time I'll tell you about my visit to the Ob/Gyn's office and the fun I had there signing papers about our "family".

False Advertising - with a warning from the censors ( PG 13)

2010-03-22T19:08:00.000-07:00

This whole pregnancy lark is not what I was imagining. Or what I have been led to believe by Lifetime Television. I know that I say that from the privileged position of being pregnant, which strikes me as an absolute luxury in the world of IF blogs. It's where I want to be. I hope I don't get flamed for this. But I have to say it's really hard.
I spent so much time fantasizing about getting pregnant and wondering if it would ever happen and now here I am and I feel woefully unprepared. And a little disillusioned. I read on so many of my blog friends' posts and message boards about symptoms and bleeding and losses and puking but I don't think I really took it in. Even if I had, it wouldn't have made for a different outcome. I'd still have gone through with it. I have a phobia about vomit but I was practically gungho about the potential of morning sickness!
It's like those people that look at you with foreboding and warn you that you're going to get no sleep for 10 years and that you are going to be broke and your nipples are going to hurt like they want to drop off, but you know that they don't regret having their kids and you know that's not going to stop you having them either.
Here is how I imagined pregnancy: a big tummy, lots of floaty clothes, a transcendent water birth experience, wonderful women helping and being supportive and loving. And the end result: a baby, a little person to nurture and love and to introduce to the world. I imagined snuggling with our baby, breastfeeding, going to the beach and making sand-castles, having play dates, family parties, watching our child looking at the world with excitement and interest and curiosity. We would watch smiles emerge and hear gurgles and coos, and we would kiss owies and reassure our child when she was scared or worried, and over-analyze our parenting skills. But I did not even consider what this part would be like. And I didn't know how hard it was going to be to drag myself to work when I feel like shite.

I think I would be okay if I wasn't bleeding again.
It happened at work today, I felt a gush and ran to the bathroom and there it was, more of the same and more and more. I called the nurse because there was a lot more and and some small clots and she basically told me that because we saw the heartbeat my risk of miscarriage is "only" 10 percent and the bleeding is probably baby B being "re-absorbed". She said only to worry if there was enough to fill about five pads in an hour. I have been nowhere close to that. Which is good because I had only two pads in my bag and my whole office is full of tampax-loving women. I mustered up a couple more mini pads to add to my meager stash, which got me through the day. I have had more clots since then - not the "huge" ones she talked about on a voicemail she left while I was running to a meeting. But not small either. No, she said, I shouldn't go home, resting is not going to do any good. No, an ultrasound is not going to really help and could hurt the fetus because too many ultrasounds mean a lot of rooting around near your uterus and could endanger the pregnancy. But if I want to have one to ease my mind I can come in. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. My next scheduled ultrasound is for a week's time. I am thinking I will wait, because there is nothing I can do either way and I don't want to increase risks to the baby even more. I gotta say, though, Ms Nursie could really do with a crash course in phone-side manner.

So that's where I am today, internets. Still grateful, pissed at my body, hungry and nauseous, exhausted and wishing for a European maternity leave where they penalize you if you don't go out a few months before your due date. Or is that just a rumor that someone concocted to make us all vote for universal healthcare? Either way, I vote for it, and for humane maternity leave policies and infertility treatment coverage. Gotta get down off the soapbox - the couch is beckoning:)

All good here:)

2010-03-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

I have good news.
Baby A is doing really well - measuring at about 8 weeks and HB of 176 per minute.
Baby B is visible but with no heartbeat. The doctor says he or she will be quietly reabsorbed. I have accepted that we're not going to meet Baby B in this world and tried to focus on Baby A.

S is such a great ultrasound supporter. She listens so carefully, asks good questions and really takes up for Baby B when she might be forgotten ( I am picking the feminine pronoun for convenience and out of blatant favoritism. Don't worry I'll be happy to have a boy or a girl!). "Where is she? Are we sure there is no heartbeat? Is that a flicker there? How big is Baby B?" I guess you could say she is all about the underdog. It tells me again and again what a tender heart S has. And she was really really scared of having twins!

The hematoma is near to Baby B ( who is right by the uterine wall) and the doc isn't worried about it any more. No bleeding for about ten days. My next ultrasound is in two weeks when we will start tapering the meds. I'll be ten weeks then! On Saturday I'm going to meet a nurse midwife at a new practice. That will be another first for me. To meet a midwife and talk about pregnancy.

I know I sound kind of monotonous and not exciting but I am so beat and have spent the last few nights preparing my taxes. Boy, I thought I had saved a lot of receipts! Not so much. I really hope I get something back from all this - or at least don't owe anything.

The nausea is all day long and accompanied by dry mouth, dizzyness, nasty tastes, indigestion and currently IBS ( which may be unrelated!) Luckily it's not horrible, but it's not fun either. Last night I came home early and slept from 5pm - 7pm and was so wiped!

I have been reading all of your blogs on my I-phone but not commenting much for the past few days because of my extreme lethargy. Also it's less easy to type on the i-phone as you might know.

I am on a different blog schedule to most of you. I usually only have time to comment on weekends - but the blogland activity seems to be mostly on weekdays which tells me that some of us are blogging at work?!!! No judgments! If only I could!
So I get behind in the week, then catch up on the weekend then get behind again.
I know, this post is like watching paint dry.
I'm off to prepare a big fat P4 injection.
loves yous!
And thank you all of you for your lovely words of support and solidarity.

The fading twin

2010-03-08T15:46:00.000-08:00

I have been bleeding since a rather strenuous morning at church yesterday ( is that even possible? ) and a shopping trip. More than before. Enough to make me look in detail at the first ultrasound report and research the word subchorionic hematoma a lot. Turns out I have a 3 cm one of those. ( That is if you combine the three lateral measurements). It was originally behind twin B and apparently that is causing the bleeding.
Called the on-call doc yesterday who told me to rest and come in this morning for an ultrasound.
The question is - does this affect the babies and if so how? Different reads on this from different people. The verdict is the same from everyone: Nothing to be done just rest and don't go for any strenuous exercise. ( Does that mean I am excused from church?)
This morning the ultrasound tech found baby A no problem - we could see the flicker of the heartbeat really clearly and it was doing 116 beats per minute. Apparently I'm still 6 weeks - last week I was five weeks. She lingered over there doing a lot of measuring while we freaked out and waited impatiently to see baby B. When she finally made it over there ( it's further away from the cervix so more difficult to see) she couldn't find a heartbeat. The only one she picked up was mine - which is way slower than a baby's. I am wondering if that is what the previous ultra-sound tech found before - because it was slow - 80 bpm- mine is usually around 70 though.
We had steeled ourselves for this, but we were disappointed and sad. It's apparently not 100% conclusive because it was hard to see Baby B because of the positioning. But the doctor said it was probably not looking good for Baby B.
In the space of 6 days we had imagined this whole crazy fun life with twins. We had checked out the mothers of multiples website, wondered how you go shopping with twins in a store cart that only has one baby seat, talked about strollers, thought about buying baby books dedicated to raising twins, considered how it would be great that they would have each other and would not feel alone in their strange but loving origins, thought about how we would help each of them differentiate so they wouldn't be treated as a unit but as individuals, pondered the stories I would tell them about being a twin myself. And so on.
In some ways it's a tiny relief. Susan doesn't have to worry so much about the impact of twins on my 42 yr old body, we don't have to wonder how we are going to feed two babies, diaper them and get them asleep at the same time, I can have a nurse midwife at the birth and don't have to worry about getting an OB. I'm sure we would have figured it out somehow though.
Our family will be smaller than our grand plans, and we will have to figure out at a later date how feasible another frozen embryo transfer will be.
So yes, my mind has been incredibly busy. I caught up pretty quickly with Susan's practical bent hence the musings above.
We still don't know how baby A is going to do, although s/he does look good, strong, feisty.
Praying really really hard that baby A makes it. We are so lucky to have this baby, we know that. We just want a happy ending. Who doesn't?

The P word, the T word and the G word

2010-03-04T20:29:00.000-08:00

First, thank you all so much for your congratulations and good wishes and hollers! I apologize my absence from blog-land. It feels like I have been pregnant for about three months and having twins for about one.
P. regnancy and T.wins
Even though the shock of being pregnant has cleared from my head a little I still feel a little like that person who when flying in a plane expends a lot of energy WILLING it to stay up in the air. That person is me, by the way. At first I was willing the baby to stay put, grow strong and be okay. I felt pretty good about it. Then suddenly I was willing two itzy bitty babies to do the same thing. Hoping like crazy that they both hang in there. For someone who was scared of having twins I have done a 360 degree turn. I am now excited and hopeful. And having quit caffeine ( and loving the money it is saving me) I am getting used to being sleepy a lot. Let's face it, that's going to be the order of the day for the next many years, so I may as well get accustomed to it.
The ultrasound experience was surreal. I have never had an "OB ultrasound" and let me tell you, that's quite a thorough wanding. I think that thing must have been inside me for about twenty minutes. After a while it got uncomfortable. Once the u/s tech got busy she quickly found the first baby - not sure of the technical term - is it a sac? She then showed us the yolk sac ( which was indistinguishable from anything else for me) and then got busy looking around again. Pretty soon she found the second baby. It's smaller - as Susan said in her post with all the details. She could not definitely say what the source of the bleeding was, though she thought there was something on the ultrasound that showed some kind of something or other that could be bleeding slowly. She wasn't too worried about it and said we will see more next time.
Much of the experience is a blur to me, but both Susan and I kept exchanging glances and comments and I almost got a fit of the giggles but stopped myself in case I pushed out the wand and she had to start again. Susan asked lots of questions - which I am grateful for, because I rarely ask questions, because I feel like I know most of what is going on and I often feel silly or embarassed asking stuff. Girl is that going to have to change! Anyway, it's hard to ask a lot of questions when you are being vigorously wanded and your bladder is filling up. We got to see the heart rhythms on the ultrasound - but it's too early to hear I think. The whole day I couldn't contain myself with the news - I wanted to tell people so bad, but thought it was a little too early. I did tell some people including my brother and sister which was a blast. So far I have found that one of the best parts of being pregnant is telling people. All of these people are those who I know well and who are not dealing with IF so I have no qualms about spilling the beans and worrying about anything but a positive reaction. Apart from that I have pretty much been a space cadet since then and in between work and sleep I have been attempting to find an OBGYN that comes highly recommended.

Susan and I are very different in some ways and one notable way is that she tends to analyze things a lot - especially practicalities and I on the other hand tend to avoid deep thinking. The reason is that often my head is so full of stuff from work or I'm busy trying not to think about work that I avoid thinking much of anything. ( I know, what a confession. Things. have. got.to.change) So we are on our way out of the clinic, clutching our little photo card that says congratulations from the staff of the clinic, and we haven't really said anything very meaningful about the whole twin thing, except I think I said - "Let's not freak out about it "- and she says, completely out of the blue: "we'll never get a double stroller through our front door. We're going to have to move!"I cracked up laughing and I am still laughing about it. It's very cute and pure Susan!!!! There is no way we are moving just now, thought we would love to, so we quickly decided to measure the door and if necessary get a long rather than wide stroller ( although I like the wider ones better). That is the sum total of our planning for the babies.

I have been referred to an OBGYN practice that is incredibly highly recommended but it's downtown Chicago which is an even longer drive than my fertility clinic. I am not sure my boss would go for that - but really, why should I let that get in the way of getting excellent care? They practice out of the best women's hospital in Chicago where they have 24 hour room service and gorgeous rooms. Not that I am materialistic or anything. And the docs are supposed to be fantastic. The other practice that was recommended to me has two great midwives in the practice and although the doctor is also highly recommended I have no clue about him really. Of course with twins I have to have an OBGYN, and can't get away with the preferred choice of a midwife. I know it's important to like all the doctors in the practice because who knows who will deliver the baby, and apparently the shi shi downtown one has 100 % awesome doctors according to a friend of mine who has incredibly high standards. Maybe I shall check them both out. How does one do that?

G.ratitude
In other news, I am incredibly irritable at / about / during/ before / work.At our staff meetings we do this thing where you write "anonymous" congratulatory notes to co-workers to boost morale and to celebrate victories. And then we put them in a basket, pass them around and pick them out to read. One of my pet peeves is that because my job is not very glamorous or "noteworthy" I rarely get snaps for anything. I am very motivated by positive feedback. I am a praise ho. I admit it. And a starving one at that. My staff rarely gives me any nice feedback - which is something I really try to do for them. Generally I don't think that they dislike me or think I do a bad job. I just think it doesn't occur to them and they think I am telepathic. I rarely get praise from above either. For example, I have to tell you that my boss did not utter one word of thanks or congratulations after I did a presentation for the board this week, which took a lot of my weekend to prepare and involved staying late to present. This is the third time I have done this in three months! She was all agreeable - looking and nodding while I was presenting but could she say "good job"? No. Anyway, I digress. At the staff meeting one of the little notes that was read out loud was for me. ( yes they all know that I have one baby in there- some know there's two) It read, "congratulations to C....." ( but had my whole name in it). I looked around and said - "I don't know what you are talking about!" with feigned surprise. But really. If you are going to congratulate me on being pregnant you could at least say that is what you are doing. Weird.
All the bureaucracy is really getting me down and all the little games we have to play and hoops we have to jump through I have absolutely patience for. So while I am grateful for having a job, and grateful I am pregnant I am not feeling a whole lot of that coming back at me. And mine is the kind of job where you rarely see positive results so it's important for morale to get some crumbs of thanks!
Yes I am a bit crabby and petulant but so so grateful to be in this position where I can finally press play instead of pause and see what kind of exquisite music plays over the next eight or so months. And now I feel g.uilty for complaining.

I am still cogitating on the being pregnant while infertile post. If you are unable to read about this whole baby thing I will understand. But if you stick around I will be glad and g.rateful.

I love you all. And I love my Susie!

2010-03-02T08:48:00.001-08:00

Twins!!!

2 - Twin Viable IUP! Two Thumbs Up!

2010-03-02T08:45:00.000-08:00

This is Susan posting, after seeing our first ultrasound of our two tiny, delicate twins!!!

Baby A is @ 6.1 gestational age with a FHR of 100 and Baby 2 is @ 5.9. with a FHR of 80. Still very delicate and somewhat tentative, but all things considered looking very good!!

Keep all four of us in your thoughts and prayers as we go to our next two ultrasounds over the next two weeks! And thank you all for being such a great support to Claire!

I am going to try to post a pic in a minute!

A reprieve!

2010-02-28T16:07:00.000-08:00

Thank you all so much for your helpful, inspiring and hopeful comments. I feel a little bit like a nervous nelly drama queen when I compare the amount of blood ( not lots) to the amount of fear and anxiety that it produced in me. I knew you could do it. In fact, it took all my strength to call the doctor first and then to ask for help on my blog!!!So thank you all for being so kind and refraining from telling me what a baby I am. I have not bled since yesterday night and that all seemed to be left over from the one scary event.

I rested all day yesterday - in bed and on the couch, read blogs and then watched the Big Chill on the computer while poor S. read and walked dogs and ministered to me. I really feel guilty when this happens because she is so over-worked and stressed herself. I had never seen that movie - but it popped up on our Netflix queue and arrived unexpectedly so I figured why not? Interesting. Slow. Usually I like those kinds of movies, but I had to stop myself thinking "why do I care about these people?" and stopping half way through - which also happens a lot with the books I pick to read recently. It's like that Peggy Lee song I love so much: "Is that all there is?"

I mostly rested today too - S. walked the dogs and did the outside stuff and I worked on a presentation for tomorrow at work ( yuk!!!!) - and as usual made a big fat meal out of it and took four hours preparing a twenty minute presentation! Why oh why? So things are getting back to "normal" and I realize that in the scheme of things this is a tiny tiny event but scary nevertheless.

My plan is to call my nurse tomorrow morning and talk to her before scheduling an earlier ultra-sound. I am working late tomorrow and going in late, so I don't want to be traipsing down to the clinic when I could be chilling and then have to go put in 9 hours after that.
Hopefully we will decide what to do next together, but if I don't have any more bleeding I am inclined to wait till Friday when it's already scheduled so I can talk to the doc as well; we are scheduled to meet him then too. No big symptoms apart from indigestion and thirst -I have been trying to drink lots of water - it's hard!

On another note, I can't believe how many women have been getting their BFPs around the same time as a I did ( or vice versa!). Maybe it's always like this but I generally don't notice. I have picked up quite a few new blog friends (waving) and I need to get them in my blog list and my reader so I don't loose touch. It occurs to me that blog-land is a little like the internets - there is no end of the internets and there is no end of blog-land - it just keeps going and going - for eternity. And there's a lot to read!

I am pondering the transition from non pregnant IF-er to pregnant IF-er but that is a post for another day. I know that this is not unusual and that just about every IF-er who has got pregnant has had to pause for a while to figure out how to make the transition. Right now I feel like I'm teetering between the two and will be relieved to have a good ultra-sound.

My boss returns from vacation tomorrow so the mice will be back to their work and away from their play ( boo!) I am trying hard to prepare to protect myself from another onslaught of stuff to do at work and also to figure out how to protect my family's interests when the subject of maternity leave (sic) AKA short term disability/ FMLA comes up along with the whole "are you coming back" question.

Happy end of the weekend!
TGL:)

Bleeding -with update

2010-02-27T13:41:00.000-08:00

**Warning - mention of underwear follows.

Needed: stories of bleeding that have happy endings.
The scoop: sleep with nightmares, lying in feverishly till noon.
Moved from bed to couch ( pretty tired!) blissful with cat on chest. Need to pee. Faced with blood in aforenamed unmentionables. About Clementine sized. Medium dark. Upon wiping some more then none.
Action: sobbing to S, lying down, calling on call doc who tells me to decrease my activity (lying in bed squared?). Says it's normal and to call back if full fledged period like bleeding comences.
Thoughts: I shouldn't have been so calm and zen about it all, I shouldn't have lifted that case of catfood at Sams club ( about 10 pounds ) If I miscarry my life is over. Those kind of things.
Conclusion: I know you've all been through much worse. There is no self fulfilling doom and gloom philosophy saved for me just because it's my first time being anywhere near pregnant.
Plea: please send hope.

gratefully, your humble TGLxo

PS - Thanks for all the comments and encouragement - I know I can rely on all of you to be way more helpful than my doctor's answering service.(((()))) By the way - it's red blood now - only when I wipe though. I think I remember reading that dark brown was better than red. Sorry to be so graphic for those few readers who are squeamish.

it's a numbers game! - with update*

2010-02-22T13:28:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the lousy lack of prose and the proliferation of numbers.
I just wanted to update y'all with my second Beta results.
For any clever people out there who love riddles or want to wager a guess on how many babies - here is the scoop:
Transfer was 2.9.10 with 2 x 5plus day embryos.
BFP 2/18/10
First Beta: 10 days after transfer= 323; P4 is 33.7
Second Beta: 13 days after transfer = 1103; P4 is 34
Third Beta is 15 days after transfer = (will find out on Wednesday)
No-one has mentioned a due date to me but I think it's around the beginning of November.
So that's the numbers.
In words, I have been allowing myself to have tiny dalliances with fantasies about what it might be like to actually be a mother - and all the things that might come before and after - you know, choosing an OB, prepping for birth - even for a wicked moment I allowed myself to contemplate the expectation-laden baby shower.
S and I have been looking around the apartment and scratching our heads and wondering where everything will go and what we can move around. We'll figure it out.
I spent Saturday wiped out on the couch, half of Sunday running around and the rest of it on said couch again.
Back at work today and of course I told my whole office (because it is so small that telling a few people is out of the question)and would just backfire. The second question out of people's mouths has been - does that mean you're leaving? The first is usually when are you due and how many?
Yikes!
I am trying to stay calm and not worry too much about all the what ifs. I feel pretty positive about how things might turn out - which for me is quite unusual -so I'll take that as a good sign.
Thanks to all of you who visited and commented and really made me feel hugged and cared about!

Ta ta for now.
Sorry, but I just can't be eloquent when posting from work.

* updated to say that my third hcg was 2205 and progesterone is 36.1.
I am in shock and also excited! Is this really me we are talking about?!!I have an appointment for an ultrasound and consult with the doctor next Friday March 5th. I don't know what my due date will be but the nurse told me that on Wednesday 3rd March I will be six weeks. Who knew? How do they come up with this weird timing stuff? I aren't going to argue with them though!

B F -with update at the bottom on Beta and Progesterone levels:)

2010-02-18T17:18:00.000-08:00

P REGNANT!!!!
I can't believe it and I can't post a picture because I am technically challenged - but I got the two pink lines at about 6.30pm tonight.
I was agonizing about what kind of pregnancy test to get and wanted to be let down gently so I opted for the one with lines because at least you can squint at it for a while before you know the answer is no. I don't want to be told immediately that I am not pregnant! That's just way too sudden and shocking. I want to find out gradually!
So I peed even though I didn't really need to but I couldn't take the suspense any more. I sat on the pot for a bit with my eyes closed after I did the deed and finally I looked over to the sink where I put the stick and there were two lines!!!!I had to check to make sure that two lines was what I needed!

I took a picture with my phone and forwarded it to S who is in class at her seminary - learning about UCC polity!!! ( no I don't really know what that means either!)
She responded with a big wow and said she was trying to keep a straight face in the class. Then she asked me how many babies. Sweet. I looked at the pregnancy test and it didn't say!!?? So I guess we will have to wait to find out:)
I know from my dear blog friends that this is just the beginning of a long journey with lots of twists and turns and bumps and scratches. I am not taking anything for granted. I have never been pregnant or even half pregnant so for me this is new territory and I am going to try my best to enjoy it.
The only symptoms I have had are chronic indigestion ( not sure if that is really a symptom )and feeling tired. But I am always tired and often have indigestion so I wasn't that convinced it meant anything.
I have never thought I would write this post and I never came up with the perfect BFP post in advance because I was having a hard time picturing it, but this is what it looks like: me on the couch with Oliver ( one of our dogs) butt to butt with Blackie (one of our foster cats) - and that positioning is a miracle in itself; the Olympic women's downhill skiing on the telly, a cup of luke warm rooibos tea on the coffee table - (Hmmm... coffee- now that's a thing of the past!!!) This is what Tireegal looks like pregnant. Never thought I would say that.
Thanks again to you, the members of my wonderful faithful gorgeous generous and funny cheering section. If you know me on FB I am not announcing it there or in the "real world" -except to a rather large number of friends and family who are in on the secret. (I am a bit of a blabbermouth in real life!)
Yours,

One very grateful, very humble Tireegal:)xoxo

PS I just got my HCG# - 323 and Progesterone is 33. I think the Beta is quite high - I have not been able to find a good site to Google what it all means. I know that the numbers are supposed to double. I go in on Monday at 6.45am and Wednesday at 7.30am for my follow up betas. Woohoo! Any ideas, let me know!

the deed is done!

2010-02-09T11:15:00.000-08:00

Thanks so much for all of your good wishes and stalking and cheerleading! I am so honored and pleased to have so many well wishers!
In a nutshell it went well!
We drove through a snow-storm to get to the clinic and were early as the roads weren't bad, so we stopped at Starbucks - me for hot milk (!!!) and S for her usual mocha. We even had time to go to The Shack ( my second least favorite store after Best Buy) so S could get a charger for her phone. I know you don't really need to know all these details but I just can't help myself.
So we got to the clinic and S videoed us walking into the clinic in the snow and we hunkered down on the couch ( only comfortable seating in the waiting area) to get busy drinking water and hanging out. I took Noodlegirl's advice and took it slow with the drinking - especially since last time I had to empty my bladder TWICE before the transfer because I drank so much and my kidneys are apparently over-achievers.
We actually got called into the back early this time and were able to hang out in our room and relax a bit (or try to relax!) We both had a bit of the giggles as we did last time and were feeling in pretty high spirits - although there was a surreal quality to it all too. S did some videoing of me in my gown in the bed and then the doctor ( my Mr Tanned and Silver Haired guy ) came in and told us about the embryos. I think they were both 1ABs -and he said they were great and had thawed perfectly. We still have five frosties left, though I only have one more IVF procedure left on my insurance and I so don't want to do this again.
I remember lying on the bed at one point and trying to relax and thinking, God this better work - I can't bear it if it doesn't!
After a while the embryologist came in and identified herself and asked me to do the same and told me I had really two lovely embryos! Very cool.
The ultrasound tech was Little Miss Cheerful from last time who makes the whole thing poetic and talks about the embies coming home and stuff like that. Her chatter irritates me a bit, but she really does mean well and she is very thorough.
It turned out that my bladder was the right fullness so she said I did not need to empty it. It was feeling pretty full to me, but I deferred to her. (Stupid people!)
So the doc comes in and starts his business and to cut a long story short he could not get the catheter in past the bends in my uterus. They pushed and pulled and the ultrasound tech manipulated my belly and he realigned the speculum and it was really uncomfortable and I thought my bladder was going to burst. I was also petrified that this was not going to work and they were going to give up, and I kept telling myself that this discomfort was nothing compared to childbirth and I had better get a grip. Finally the ultrasound tech told the doc that she could see my bladder filling up and it might help if I emptied, so everything stopped and I had to go and fill up two and a half cups to get things realigned and going again. It's really hard to pee when you have been trying not to for the past hour!
When I came back they set everything up again and at some point my "wrinkly"cervix was mentioned. The ultrasound tech asked me if I knew about it and I said no I didn't!!! I was thinking that maybe she wanted to confer with my obgyn nurse who told me I had a very pretty cervix but I didn't.
Apparently the half empty bladder did the trick and they were able to get the catheter in pretty fast and then call for the embryos which were waiting in their incubator:)
So the embryologist comes in and I hear, "two for Claire P....." and in they go and I didn't get to see the burst of light, but we have pics.
All the nurses told me to go home to bed and not go anywhere for today and tomorrow and not do any work. I think they were much more emphatic about it this time. And I got the message loud and clear. In fact I have been looking forward to this part quite a bit!!!
So we are home now and lounging. S has a horrible ear-infection and is suffering quite a bit but is being a trooper. We just ordered delivery from our favorite pizza place and in a couple of hours we have cleaners coming over! Yes I did it, I bit the bullet. This crew is a worker owned cooperative that uses green products so I don't have to feel quite so guilty about being the lady of the manor ordering up the serfs.
So that's it. I have some chick flicks to watch ( one of them is Baby Mama!!!!) and I am going to lounge in bed and watch them and send happy vibes to my two babes.
Thanks again so much for all of your support and good vibrations! I don't know if I could do it without you all:)

Transfer is tomorrow!

2010-02-08T10:24:00.000-08:00

And no, it's not an implantation, people, it's a transfer:) I know I am preaching to the converted here, but you know, popular culture being what it is, some people like to use the word "implant" because the masses can't understand the whole transfer idea.

We know there will be a transfer; we hope there will be implantation.

Do you think I can ask the doctor to add a bit of glue just to help the implantation work better?

My one freak out moment was when I forgot to start taking my antibiotics on the day I was supposed to (Thursday) and only remembered on Saturday. It's zithromycin, an allegedly low harm antibiotic, which my very clever friend tells me works for five days after you have stopped taking it, meaning that they don't mind if I have it in my system on T-day. I have two more doses to take - please tell me it won't hurt the baby if I take them tomorrow and Wednesday.

The transfer is tomorrow at 11.15 am CST - I need to be there at 10.15 am to fill my bladder with water. Other instructions that I didn't get last time? Eat a good breakfast and bring some warm socks!!!! Who knew?!!!

Other stats; two embryos, two day's rest and two fingers crossed for two lines! (Note to self: buy pregnancy tests!)

Half-way to FET and other life altering thoughts

2010-01-31T14:34:00.000-08:00

I realize I haven’t posted much about the whole TTC process recently (except to boast about my cervix) but it's high time I told you all how things are going with the getting ready for FET process.
I had my baseline ultrasound and blood-work: fine. Then Day 7 u/s and b/w = Lining 6 and estrogen only 75. Just like last time. So they upped my estrogen by one vaginally per day and on day 10 it was lining 8.5 and estrogen 275 - or something like that. The nurse sounded pleased with that progress. When I read about all you IVFers and injectible med peeps with E2 in the thousands I get a little alarmed but they assured me that as long as it's over 150 I am fine. Last time when we did the fresh embie transfer my E2 did get progressively higher and my lining was great - 11 I think - but I can't help wondering if it was the E2 that was the problem so I am happily popping those pills like candy. I don't know if anyone else had this but something is making my stomach upset (upper and lower) and I was wondering if the E2 was the culprit?
This is my second time on the IVF side of the clinic (as opposed to the monitoring side which is a whole different section) and I'm getting used to the nurses and the ultra-sound techs. I find that the friendlier I am with them the nicer they are to me. I know - it's not rocket science, but I tend to be pretty reserved and withdrawn during this whole process and it really has helped me to lighten up a little. Most of the nurses know that I only have one vein that works - on my left arm - and are cool with that. The nurse yesterday decided to change it up and look for one on my right arm but she didn't get very far with that. I think maybe I should offer them the back of my hand next time - just for variety. The other day, one of them said - "Oh hi, you're back - I'm sorry - I remember you and your husband from before" and I said - " I don't think so, I don't have a husband." She apologized and I think she felt bad about it because she came back and said; "don't worry, I don't have a husband either!" and she also pointed at another nurse and said, "Neither does she." I smiled and thought to myself (though I didn't say it) but I have a honey at home - she’s just not my husband. It's not like it's a secret - if they really read my chart they would know - although because I am a lesbian and there is no "man" involved I am seen as a single woman (and this only changes when S comes to appointments - which is rare - and that's fine by me). I am just happy when she comes to the transfer with me.
It's funny, because I am "older" I always imagine that the clinic will be full of older women but in fact it's not true at all. I know scientifically IF is not all about age - not at all - but I am always surprised to see really young looking women at the clinic doing IVF. They are all mostly skinny and white too, but that's probably the demographic of the surrounding area and those who have the best insurance / higher incomes and can afford IVF are disproportionally white - which sucks for everyone. Actually, the surrounding area is a yuppyfying area that borders on some of the most dilapidated and neglected public housing in Chicago - most of it has been knocked down but there are still some high -rises remaining, so no, that does not reflect the demographic of the area. Most of the people who originally lived in the neighborhood have had to move to other even poorer and more disenfranchised neighborhoods far south of there. The displacement and discrimination in that so called housing policy is plain ugly.

Generally I am feeling low key and not particularly inspired about anything. Yesterday when I woke up I had a sudden mid life crisis moment of feeling that I was wasting my whole life and I should be doing something different. (Not the baby project, but my work). I think that this was sparked by a friend of mine posting on FB that she was going to Costa Rica on spring break and it just hit me that all I seem to do is work work work, rest on the couch, walk the dogs, eat, sleep, poop, pee, and sometimes hang out with other people. Of course S and I do stuff together - but since her focus is so much on her schoolwork and just surviving working full time and commuting and getting her books read and papers written, I often feel that I am limiting my activities and fun also and I don't have the energy to do much else. She does more than her fair share of the work so that is nothing to complain about. I am so glad she is doing this and fulfilling her dream - it would be unbearable for her and I if she weren’t able to do this - and she is so good at it and so excited about it, it's beautiful to watch. She really inspires me.

I just really want to go somewhere new and do something new. I feel like even though my job is helping people I don't really see the benefits of it much at all and it wears me down. I know it's not all about results but I need to find my creativity somewhere.......

In other news...S and I decided to get married over Christmas ( big fanfare!!!!) and we have had fun thinking about that and telling people slowly. It will be a wedding in our UCC church, probably in May or June, and it won't be "legal" but we are also thinking about going to Iowa ( the nearest right -on marriage state) and doing it legally. We are considering a place called Decorah ( well, S doesn't know this yet, but I am going to talk to her about it! - newsflash, I just talked to her about it and she is all in favor!) It's five hours from Chicago and seems like the cutest mid-west town with lots of amenities and ia welcoming to queers like us!

So yes, big stuff. And the house is a mess and I'm going to hire a cleaning service because I just don't feel like doing it myself. And I know that speaks of privilege and infinite largesse, but I can count on one hand the times we have hired a cleaner. I know lots of people who have them every two weeks but we have never felt like we can afford it. As I say to S - it's either a dog-walker (twice a week to give us a break or when we come home late ) or a cleaner. We can't have both! Well this month maybe we can. ( Update - I just broke down and swept the floors after having a tantrum about all our STUFF!)

So those are my ramblings of the moment. My last u/s and b/w is on Wednesday 3rd and that will be when we get the go ahead for the FET on February 9th. So only ten days to go. Woo hoo!

Happier-go-lucky days!

2010-01-23T17:48:00.000-08:00

Dear sweet blog-friends,
Thanks so much for the encouragement and the good wishes.
As lucky would have it, my birthday turned out to be low key but sweet!
I worked all day Friday and was within a hair's breadth of taking someone to the ER / petitioning them, but it all calmed down and the trip was deemed unnecessary. PHEW!!!

My honey left birthday cards on my pillow in the am as she crept out early and I treated myself to being a bit late to work and picking up a favorite latte on the way there.

My co-workers sung the birthday song that I have taught them twice to me, we had pizza and gelato in celebration of the end of paperwork week and my birthday, there were amazing ginger candies on the snack table called Gin Gins - check out their website at gingerpeople.com and no I am not getting paid but I might be persuaded.

I left work early ( 4.30 is early for me) and rushed home to assemble my sister's present ( a collage of photos of our dad) and to get ready for dinner out. S and I met my sis and her two girls at a pan-asian / thai restaurant and had comfort food and tea and exchanged pressies. It was fun to talk to them about their lives and plans, everyone else's plans and to share with them about the next adventure in baby -making. The best bit was when my older niece exploded into amazed laughter when we told her that the strongest embies "survive the thaw". To us it's run of the mill. To them it's another world that sounds a bit like antarctica!

Oh and I didn't tell you about the best compliment of the day! I finally had my pap smear - I know - I like to celebrate my birthday with a gynelogical exam! - and the Nurse midwife who I picked over a rushed OB doctor was sweet and interested and kind. It's amazing to spend time with a medical professional who is actually not in a hurry!!! I think when we do get preggers I might give her a try.
Well, she's down between my legs and she suddenly says: "I wish I could take a picture - you have a very pretty cervix"!!!! I said, I wish you could take one too. I remembered that she said that last time I had a pap. Now I'm not a cynic, so I'm not going to say that is her standard line and I'm going to believe that my pretty cervix is going to be a continued good omen for the baby project! Quite the most original compliment I thought!

I have been absolutely pooped recently, with bad headaches and a backache and we came home from dinner and flopped on the couch. S gave me my pressies - a novel called " A Year of Cats and Dogs", some cute book-marks and a funny / camp vegan calendar, and then we flopped into bed where I stayed till 12noon today! Today my lovely friend from work met us at a cute Irish Pub and treated us to afternoon tea ( and I had a Drambuie!) I think that may be my last drink for a while - i.e. nine / ten months or so. It was good!

So that's my birthday celebrations for this year. It was nice to savor the little things and take each moment at a time. The jury is still out on the Wii. I agree with you all that it would be a great idea, I just haven't got my act together yet.

So now I'm going to catch up on all my missing comments on your blogs and send you some of my happy-go-lucky good vibrations.
lots of love and hugs to you all:)
xoxoxo

BIrthday Blues

2010-01-21T17:26:00.000-08:00

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to....except there ain't no party!

Before I start really singing the blues I want to thank everyone who visited and commented on my catastrophically woeful work post. Your support was really wonderful to have. It turns out I was seriously underestimating my boss and seriously over-reacting and getting myself into a hormone -filled frenzied tizzy! I feel bad for moaning and groaning about my new boss who has turned out to be supportive and smart and seems to be appreciating both my skills and charm. The PTSD was and is real and all sorts of things trigger it - but not surprisingly having a new boss - the sixth in a litany of bosses really sent me over the edge. I am thankfully retreating from the edge with dirty fingernails but not a lot of other scars.

The past few years my birthday has SUCKED! I am not a big birthday girl (well, I confess I say that, but it's really not true!) I would love to be feted and adored and treated like at least the princess if not the queen. I am not a prima donna or a diva by any means ( although I am a ham and a show-off), but being a twin and always having to share my birthday with my sister has meant that I never really got to be "THE BIRTHDAY GIRL!!!!" I'm not sure if this is just an English thing, but when there were parties when we were kids, it was ALL about the birthday girl. She got to do everything first, have the biggest piece of cake, choose her team in the party games, etc etc - if there was any doubt about who got to do something first or best or biggest at the party there was always the chorus of "let the BIRTHDAY GIRL do it!!!!" Well my sister and I always got to be really good at sharing this honor between us, and we acted particularly maturely about it, but I think it was all an act, and one of kindness and decorum, because we knew that throwing a tantrum and demanding to be the center of attention meant that the other twin would look bad and be "left out." That was probably one of the most cardinal sins of twin-ship. To be "left out". Or to be better than the other one at something. Because the other one might feel bad if they weren't as good, so we had to tread carefully around each others' feelings and competition or having a special talent that stood out. We were both good at quite a few things and we were usually neck and neck in terms of talent. I think we longed to be supremely better at one thing or another just to be able to break the mold of always being "equal". Being "equal" became an end in itself and not necessarily a happy end.

But I was telling you all about how my birthday has sucked in recent years. In 2008 I was suffering greatly under aforementioned abusive and psychotic boss who was about to be fired but was still beating me with a big iron stick and threatening to fire me. It was our 40th birthday and my sister and I had planned to have a joint party, which turned out to be fun, however the shadow of the horrible boss situation hung over me. The day of the party we had a huge flood caused by a burst pipe in the back storage area and our hardwood floors were covered in about two inches of water. We still managed to go to my sister's for the party but we had to come home and the next day pack up our stuff and move out for two weeks while our house was in critical care - hushed and intense save for the hum of huge drying machines and fans. I had asked people not to buy me presents because we were saving up for "the baby project" which had been postponed from fall 2007 because of nasty boss and super stress impeding my charting and relaxing and focusing on my body and reproduction. We got some donations from very kind friends and relatives and project baby was launched a few months' later - to a resounding thud.

Last year, my 41st birthday was characterized by more doom and gloom pursuant to a failed IVF cycle four days previously where the tactless and gruff Mr. Perfect Statistics RE told me as I scootched myself up from a supine position that my only hopes of ever getting pregnant were donor eggs. I don't even remember what we did or how we "celebrate"'. I do know that there were no pre-natal vitamins consumed and that large amounts of wine disappeared down my sadly hiccuping gullet.

And this year, I have lots to look forward to. Tonight I start my estrogen and ramp down the Lupron on day one of the hormone replacement therapy of my first FET cycle. In approximately three weeks I'll be back in the stirrups having two thawed embryos inserted into my uterus while the ultrasound tech makes corny jokes about the "homecoming" and the honey moon suite over my full bladder. All signs point to a pregnancy at the end of it. Except for my track record and my never having been even a tad pregnant.

S asked me what I wanted for my birthday and what I wanted to do and I got awfully crabby and could not really think or didn't want to think about it. I am working on my birthday ( which I usually avoid because it means that I inevitably end up in the ER doing a petition for involuntary admission on a client, which often stretches into the night) so that my boss can see how committed I am to "showing up" at work. I am even getting a pap smear on my lunch break on my birthday. I had a mammogram this morning. Why am I punishing myself? And why am I so full of self hatred and disgust at myself? And lethargy all at the same time?

The only thing that I am remotely interested in getting for my birthday ( apart from a few million dollars so I can retire) is a Wii. I have convinced myself that this is a bad idea because a. it costs over $200 and b. it will just fuel my electronic addiction which mostly manifests itself as blog mania - not recently you understand, as my comments have been lacking, though my reading is up to date - and which sometimes makes me think that I really need to be getting a real life and not just having a rich and fun and compassionate internet one.

So we are going to Target to get some photos copied so I can make my twin sister a collage of photos of our dear sweet dad, who died almost two years ago and broke our hearts. (I'm hoping for a boy because we are going to name him after my dad, and a girl because I always wanted a girl). I will probably have a decaf latte and S will have popcorn and it'll be a little date. God, why can't I get a life and get happy, people?

the doldrums... or what's really bothering me!

2010-01-07T18:45:00.000-08:00

I am neither here nor there.
I really am having a hard time keeping up with reading and commenting on blogs and writing on my own. I feel bad about it. Over the holidays I was doing it an obsessive amount
I feel a little numb and cotton woolly and tunnel visiony.
I don't know if I can write a whole paragraph.
It might have to be just lines on the page.
This is me going into the Lupron stage of our FET. Really it's exciting. I am almost off the BCPs and about to start shooting up.
I even get to schedule the procedure for a Friday so my doc can do it and I can take the weekend to relax and not be off work. And there's the rub.
I think that what is really going on is that I am furious and fed up of the amount of work I feel compelled to do in my job.
I feel like I am running fast and breathless on a crazy treadmill and even when I lurch off I still feel it moving. I don't sleep well, I have to get up at the crack ass of dawn to go to doctor appointments so I don't miss work ( god forbid I'm not there to deal with a crisis) more than I should.
I had two weeks off ( not consecutively) in December. One for the transfer and one for ( shock, horror) Christmas. This is all paid vacation to which I am entitled. My new boss, who appears to be mostly fairly reasonable seems disturbed by this. Never mind that I cover for my staff while they take off one and two week vacations. To which they are also entitled and to whom I say, bon voyage! Never mind that I bust my fucking butt for this thankless job. Never mind that I am doing the work of three people. Unpaid overtime. Never mind. Because god dammit, we have to be doing "best practice". The problem with that is if the "best practice" is all being done by me ( i.e. extra work) then the best practice will crash and fricking burn in about a week.
I had a melt down in her office on Monday because one of our dogs was sick and I was so worried that I had to take more time off to take him to the vet that I could barely sleep the night before. I told her I was sorry that I had been off so much, and I had truly been working very hard, and I was trying my best. Blah blah blah!!! And she was fairly understanding, while stressing that it's very important for me to be there as much as possible. But when we finally get sent home "early" today because it's like the antarctic outside, I don't get to go home, because I have to call someone who's sons are about to be homeless. etc etc. And more and more and more. But you know, I am pissed. Because I may be one of the bosses, but I am just as entitled to take vacation as anyone else. And I shouldn't feel guilty about it. But I do.
This whole thing is triggering some bad ass PTSD for me. Just over two years ago before most of you knew me, I had just started this job, was pretty clueless ( no-one to train me, do it yourself orientation) and the new interim director ( my second boss in a row of six so far) turned out to be a psychopath whose one goal was to fire me because she thought that I was the problem. She had a hatchet type of leadership - and yes, that's not an oxymoron! And very little humanity. She looked for others' weaknesses when she didn't want to look at her own. The shit hit the fan about one month after she arrived, when I asked her for some advice on what to do with a client and I was feeling so overwhelmed and vulnerable that when she snapped at me and tried to blame me for not knowing how to solve the problem I lost it in a teary way. At that moment, everything changed. She became my enemy. She looked for any little thing I did wrong. She made no allowances for my newness. She rolled her eyes at me in meetings in full view of board members and I was still the scapegoat. Her goal was to belittle my ideas and surprise me with last minute extra work. And to give me impossible goals that could never be reached by any non-android. Because I was new, it was hard for the powers that be above her ( the Board) to believe that I wasn't the problem. It was a horrible experience. For someone who is conscientious and worries about work and tries so hard to do her best it was awful to be labeled as the rotten egg. And to shake in my boots every time I thought about work. Or saw her. Or saw a car like the one she drives. To this day, I cannot stand Jeep Cherokee's - especially dark colored ones with vanity plates!) We finally got her fired after the whole staff wrote a letter of complaint to the board ( after I had gotten lambasted for my complaints and my pleas for help had been virtually ignored ) and they finally got it.
So you see, when I lost it in my bosses office on Monday I started to wonder what she was going to do to get rid of me. I know, it's called paranoia.
I am trying to figure out a way to tell her that I can't be the "best practice" for the whole agency. That everything on the to do list is not going to get done. That I need to say no. That it's killing me. That my adrenal glands are wrung out and shivering in protest.
I was reading "Waiting for Daisy" by Peggy Orenstein on the train home after Christmas ( which I found among a pile of trashy reads at a tiny little news-stand in St Louis - and got for half price - score!) It's a great book by the way - you should read it. She was talking about what we resort to in order to stay on the TTC train. She mentioned an IF friend of hers who had been in the same job that she hated for two years just so that she could keep her health insurance. And I thought, that's me. I don't hate my job, but I resent it, and it overwhelms me, and it's really really bad for my mental health. If it wasn't for my mostly fantastic co-workers and my need to pay the bills I wish I could say that I would have left long ago.
I miss you, my blog friends, I am sorry my comments are brief or missing. I will let you know how I solve the riddle of the over-cooked adrenal glands and get my FET on track.
Ta ta for now. Thanks for listening and stay tuned.
Yours,
Dolly Drums

it's been 14 days since my last confession

2009-12-24T18:47:00.000-08:00

What do you want to know?
We are in snowy KCMO visiting relatives.

Yesterday we had breakfast with a lovely fellow IFer and her husband which was absolutely delightful. Great to have lots of things to talk about and so much in common as well as IF. Good luck, Kim - with your January cycle and BFP! I'm rooting for you!!! Can't wait to come back soon and see you and your babies running around the farm! I hope ours will be running around with them!

To tell you the truth, it was almost a relief to have some kind of end to the months of waiting to do this whole donor egg thing. The decision, the surgery, the two donors canceled and then finally the perfect donor and the perfect embryo and the perfect lining and then a big fat nothing. It wasn't the end we were hoping for but it was a punctuation mark that signaled something finite; that we could stop, take a breath and just pause for a while. The long long first donor egg cycle was over.

And what starts again is the glimmering of hope and promise that keeps all us IFers going again and again and again. For me the odds are still good; the doctor thinks that there is no reason I should not get pregnant this time around. ( I bet you've all heard that one before!) He was supportive of the decision to transfer one embryo the first time, and now says that this time around he would add more estrogen suppositories ( mm mm good!) and transfer two frosties. He went over the quality of the remaining 7 embryos and nearly all of them are really good. For lucky me it seems that even though this kind of hope borders on a kind of addiction that so many of us succumb to, at this point is does not seem to be leading down the path of total dependency. Yet. But not because I am better or smarter, just because I got the good odds for now.

I've been reading some of your blogs where some of you, my dear blog friends, have been contemplating the end of this leg of the journey, the end of squinting at the elusive light at the end of the tunnel, the end of the hardship that we inflict on our bodies and our minds that we put ourselves through all in the hopes of the elusive good outcome, to be the one exception to the rule. It is an excruciating place to be; it is palpable from reading your blogs. There also seems to be some hint of freedom in this decision, of escape from the joy of being lifted up in the waves and the torture of being dashed onto the rocks. I don't want to oversimplify it - or sugar coat it - but I do want to honor those of us who are making these decisions, and to say, I am with you; I am standing beside you; I am here.

I want to say congratulations to EB who has a long awaited BFP! Glamcookie, on the birth of her beautiful son, Shane, a big woo-hoo to Heather, who was the one who helped me decide to transfer one embie ( as she did herself) and who is now expecting twins!!! Journey Girl for her recent trip to Thailand on her donor egg journey which culminated in a fantastic Christmas Present, and after a mega productive cycle that had us all on the edge of our seats Noodle girl who is now in the one week wait. Sending so much love to a little turtle who after an interminable wait, is still needing to see a zero on her HcG test after her miscarriage. And to all of us trudging through the trenches of IF, I wish us something better; peace, transcendance, acceptance, BFPs, an end to tabloid journalism about IF ( that's for you, Stephanie!) universal health-care, mandatory coverage for IF and world peace. Yeah, Santa, if you're listening, that's what's on my list!

tails I lose...update at bottom:(

2009-12-10T20:35:00.000-08:00

The odds were fifty fifty - like flipping a coin.
Except that it was a lot harder to do than that.
I took an Early Pregnancy Test tonight at 10pm after I had been putting it off all night and it was clearly BFN from almost the start of reading it.
S held my hand and we both squinted at it, but the second line did not appear.
I haven't been feeling anything different except for a small moment of gagginess yesterday morning.
I wasn't convinced but I was hoping for a surprise.
So that's what happened to the perfect embryo and the happy uterus.
I have to go take the blood test tomorrow at 8.30 in the fricking freezing morning.
Then they will call me at work with my results.
Which I already know.
Ugh!

Update: The nurse called. The test was negative. I have a consult next Thursday with my doctor to talk about a frozen embryo cycle in January. I am stopping my meds and waiting for AF and then will start the dreaded BCPs then.

A flash of light!

2009-12-01T16:47:00.000-08:00

The transfer went really well. The doctor (not my tanned old guy doc, but a cheerful and very clever woman doc who comes highly recommended) was very nice and chatty and informative. She told us all about our embryos and how they were rated. She said they were beautiful and spectacular and amazing.

Here is where it got complicated.
Up until last night I was dead set on transfering two embryos, but then I started thinking about something that Heather from team oclark wrote in the comments of my last post about how with high quality embryos your chances of twins go up significantly if you transfer two. I did some googling and got numbers of between 30 - 36% of twins. We agonized about it last night and decided to sleep on it. We talked about wanting to give our child a good start in life after all the work we have done to get here. This is no judgment on anyone else's decision - this is purely about our situation. Susan is working full time and going to school part time and we are going to need help anyway, with one baby, but the thought of having two to take care of and two of everything to pay for and two little ones running around our tiny place, was scaring the bejesus out of me. We have a nice, small condo which we can't sell because of the market and we are thinking that once Susan finishes school ( 2 years) we will perhaps be in a better situation to move. I know people say: all you need is love, or " I was brought up in a box car and I'm okay" -(yes I really know someone who was! ) Also I am a twin and I know about wanting attention and wanting to be noticed and special and not always getting it - no judgments on anyone here. I felt like we were gambling by putting two back because we didn't want twins, but we wanted to mitigate the chances of getting a BFN and if we got twins we would "deal with it". I also feel that I know my limits and I really didn't want to gamble with my physical or mental health or the babies' health. I know that many IFers have twins, so please don't think I am making a universal pronouncement, because I am not, but I have to think what's right for me. People always say - oh, you'll manage - you'll find a way, but this is our way and this is how we got here. It was hard and I know that having a baby is not going to be harder. I know that when people hear there is a possibility of having twins they think that you must have hit the jackpot. I know many women who are IFers who have healthy twins and were healthy themselves throughout the pregnancy- I even know one blogger who is about 28 weeks pregnant with twins and walked about 3 miles in an afternoon the other day! ( you go, Puffer!) My own mother had a very easy pregnancy and was so small some people did not even know she was pregnant. We arrived one day before our due date and at good weights. But just as I try not to reassure myself with those stories of the people who were the exception to the rule ( i.e. you know the one about the woman who was fifty and had triplets all by herself and her husband only had to look at her to get her pregnant!) I try not to compare myself to others who are not me and have not lived my experience. And I haven't lived theirs.

I saw a woman trailing four kids to school this morning while I was walking the dogs and I thought - well if she can have four, surely I can have two! But really I'm not her - I'm me and we are very different. Maybe you are thinking - gosh - that Tireegal has always got something to grumble and complain about. I am extremely grateful for all that I have which I worked extremely hard for. I guess I just feel the need to share the ramblings of my poor tortured brain over the last twenty four hours and am glad that we made the decision that we did. I kept asking S to make the decision and she said, no you should because you are the one carrying and she would say;"go with your gut." And I would say, "I don't have a gut!!! I don't even know where it is!"

The bottom line is: when the doctor told us that our chances of a BFP were only increased 10% by transferring two and that our chance of twins was about 50% I really thought that I could not take that gamble. We have at least four other embryos to freeze - and the two that were in question were both 1AB quality which is practically perfect - so we were looking at transfering two rock star embryos and "hoping" that one didn't take, which didn't seem right, somehow. The clinic's freeze success rate is 98% - which is comforting to know.

Would we have transferred two embryos if we were well off, I didn't have to work, and we had a nice house in the burbs with a big yard and lots of bedrooms - maybe. But that's not where we are. A nice house in town might be nice though!

When I went out of the procedure room to half empty my bladder ( for the first of two times- apparently my kidneys work so well that they fill up my bladder super fast - I had been instructed to drink a whole bottle of water while sitting in the waiting room ) S told the nurse we had made our decision ( they gave us some time to talk it over). I wasn't there when she told the doctor, but S said that the doctor looked relieved and pleased that we had chosen to transfer one. She cited the risks to my health and the baby's as I am older ( yes, I know, that's what doctors do! ) and said she thought we had made a good decision.

Even though I am concerned that we have lowered our odds, I am comforted by knowing we made the decision that was right for us, even though it was difficult, and that if this embryo does not snuggle in we have some other options and would only have to wait a month to try again with the frosties. At one point I did not think I could tolerate the thought of waiting another month to get pregnant, but if the choice is patience or overwhelm I think I will try the patience first. Of course there is still a 1% chance that the one embryo will fox us all and split into two - but I guess we just have to live with that.
On a more exciting note, we have pictures of the embryo as it burst out of the catheter and into my uterus in a tiny flash of light! If I can get S to scan it I will post it. It was an amazing sight!
So, apparently my attitude to decision-making regarding embryos is the same as my decision making regarding the rest of life: it's not going with my gut, its finding it and then going with it.

S just texted me from school to say that it's a full moon! Now if that ain't a good omen!
Testing is on Friday December 11th so I am officially in the ten day wait!
And you, dear kind bloggers, who cheer me on, even while you wait for AF or for your HSG to go down or for sperm to cooperate, I really appreciate that we are all in this together and while I am in a sweet place today I have so not been there too, and I am grateful for the strength and care which we all share.

Transfer tomorrow:) and the beginnings of baby controversies!

2009-11-30T13:23:00.000-08:00

Last I heard on Saturday there were 13 embryos still growing!!! Woo hoo!!! I love you, beautiful egg donor! And sperm donor, you are just wonderful too!!!
Today I heard that the transfer is at 10.40 am tomorrow, December 1st, and I have to arrive at 9.40am in order to sit and drink a whole bottle of water to fill my bladder. Sure, it's the LEAST I can do!
No-one told me how many embryos there are or how they are choosing the ones to transfer.
At this point I feel like I am on a conveyor belt and I really need to get the guts up to call them back and ask about the embryos. Which I am about to do.
So I just called - the lab people are gone for the day, but the doctor will review everything with me before the transfer - I feel a bit more reassured that they are actually interested in me and the embryos. I know they are, I just wish they would be a bit more forthcoming with information!!! How do I know what to expect - I have never done it before:)
So I am excited, if slightly annoyed at the big business baby factory for being so cursory in their communications.
So then I decided it is probably a good idea to make sure I know what I should and shouldn't be eating - as I will be Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise (PUPO) starting tomorrow. I have to admit I have paid scant attention to any of this stuff- because- you know - I was never even close to being pregnant before. I think I have uncovered a controversy in babyland - it's called - "everyone has an opinion about everything and it's up to you to figure out what to do"!!!! And that's just on the soft cheese issue! ( I know, I know - you all figured it out before me - but it just hit me that getting pregnant - while the hard part - has been largely uncontroversial if rather painful for me). I mean maybe because after a short foray into "natural" (sic) baby-making I gave myself up to the fertility doctor gods and just did what they told me it has not been controversial. When you tell people IRL about fertility stuff, either they are so gob-smacked at what you are telling them that they don't have an opinion, can't even uncross their eyes from all the fertility secrets you have just told them about - or they feel so sorry for you that they don't dare tell you what they really think, i.e. how dare you mess with nature? why would you spend that much money on a baby when there are millions of unwanted ( by all the fertile couples) babies in the world languishing in orphanages, or don't you know that lesbians are only supposed to have babies with their heterosexual husbands who they then leave? I could ask them why they would spend $30,000 on a car, which is an inanimate object that will rust and crumple in at least the next ten years? But I digress.....
My point is- get ready for controversy, people! ( Oh, I forgot, you already know about it - it's me that is clueless!!!!) Diapers, birth plans, sleeping, etc etc. Of course I will embrace these controversies with an eager spirit and a willing heart - but YIKES!!!
By the way I'll let you know when I figure out these things - and I 'll send you the list of fool-proof do's and dont's so you don't have to go through it:)
I will keep you all posted. After the transfer I am hanging out on the couch and taking it easy for a day or two -my clinic does not recommend bed-rest ( and you know I do everything they tell me to do)- but I am off work for a week, so my stress levels should be about 300% less than normal!
Thanks for all your support! Big time fingers crossed!xoxoxoxoooxxxxooxoxoxox

All systems go!!! ETA 1st PIO shot down!

2009-11-27T11:22:00.000-08:00

I don't know about it being Black Friday as I am on an anti-consuming kick, ( see how long that lasts if I get my BFP! ) but it's definitely HAPPY FRIDAY! Thanks to our lovely super-fertile egg donor we have 15 mature eggs that fertilized = 15 embryos. We are waiting to see how they grow in the lab and will hear later today to find out when the transfer is going to be. It could be Sunday or Tuesday. It's going to be two embies. Everything is looking good from my end ( pun maybe intended) and I am "ready to receive"! i.e. I have an 11.6 lining, it's got all the grooves and snuggle places an embryo needs and the nurse told me that she thinks my estrogen will be fine - it was 107 last I heard. Apparently as long as my lining looks good and my E2 is okay I am good to go. I hope those extra E2 suppositories (!) have been helping! So today I start the really big shots of Progesterone in Oil ( with a circle drawn in marker on my butt to give S something to aim for ) and antibiotic and prometrium. Still on Lupron, Estrace and baby aspirin and of course pre natals and vegetarian DHA. the nurse suggested that I put a cold pack on my butt for about 5 mins before the shot and a hot flannel and heating pad on afterwards. Any additional advice would be helpful.Keep everything crossed for us:)

And in your news, let me say that I am aware I have been missing in action and I apologize. I have about 10 days in which to catch up. I have been swamped at work and have time to read posts quickly to find out how you are all doing,but rarely time to comment. I will make it all up to you I promise. Thanks for all your love and support and cheering - I honestly can't believe I am even here and although I often sound upbeat and try to cheer myself on, the first time I really smiled ( not fake polite smiled) at the Clinic was today when the nurse told me that 15 embryos was great and my uterus was great and all looked really great - was I excited? and I let myself get excited and even envision what a BFP might look like. I have never even let myself fantasize about a BFP - or not since those heady ignorant days of IUIs when I thought anyone in a skirt could get pregnant ( and those in pants like me, too!). Those were the days, my friends, and these are the days too!

I wish that everyone of us could get to feel excited and hopeful and fantasize about BFPs in this game of waiting and planning and grey drudgery that is IF.

BFPs for one and all! Hip Hip Hurray!

the high achiever and the also ran... with update at bottom

2009-11-22T14:21:00.000-08:00

The high achiever? The egg donor who on day six of stims has a lorryload* of follies that are approaching 17 and 18 ( is that mm?). I got the call from the clinic today to say that the donor, "hmmmm...rattle rattle.... let me look at the computer screen....hmmm.... yes, errrrrmmm, she was seen at another clinic, yes, she has ermm......... well she is on day six and she already has lots of follicles and is responding really well to the meds, her estrogen is 900 and we are a little worried that she is going too fast."
Me: what are you going to do?
Nurse: watch her like a hawk.
I hope she knows that watching like a hawk does not equal preventing early ovulation.
She tells me that she is going to talk to the doctor this afternoon at home and I ask her to get back to me. She says she will.
The also ran? Rewind to Friday and my b/w and u/s at the clinic. Lining: faint at 7, b/w: estrogen low at 74. Where should it be? About 150 by now. The nice very cheerful egg donor coordinator answers my frantic e-mail to say that I am doing about average and not to worry.
But the problem is - it's day six of stims, the ER is supposed to be in 7 more days -will she hang in there with those wopping follies for six more days and can I catch up with my lousy estrogen levels?
I really don't know if they get it. Do they get what a big deal this is? Please do not let those follies sneak through on their own.
I know I am over-reacting..... I just wish there was something I could do!
Am I being too passive? Should I call the clinic back and say, WTF is going on? Please put a lock on those follies so they can't escape!!
So if anyone knows anything about estrogen levels and how much is too much and how little is too little, please tell me, because I wish I could say I know, but I don't.
Thanks for listening to my hyper ventilational ranting. I wish I could say it was my hormones!

UPDATE!
The cheerful nurse coordinator does not think things are looking bad and foresees Ovidrel tomorrow and retrieval on T day! I think the nurse I spoke to was just being a drama queen. At least that is what I am hoping!

*lorry is the word for we in Britain use for what we in the US call trucks. The biggest ones are called articulated lorries! How is that for a mouthful!

Blogoversarypaloozacalafragalisticexpealadocious!!

2009-11-17T20:29:00.000-08:00

This is my sixty first post! And one year anniversary! I never thought I would make it a whole year. When I started this I could not even contemplate what "in a year's time" might be. I had my eyes on the prize: IVF January 2009. Let's face it - when I started blogging, I didn't really even know what blogging was. I knew other people who did it. Something in me wanted to join the club.

Here is my first ever blog entry. I may never have gotten much further than that except for my first ever commenter An Offering of Love, who spurred me on. By the way, S. of the aforementioned blog gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at the beginning of November! Hop on over and congratulate her. I hope to follow in her footsteps! By the way, if you are listening, God (dess), I am totally open to gender!

So why did I call this blog happy-go-lucky? I would never typify myself as happy-go-lucky. More like anxiety-go-melancholy. I think that I generally present a fairly cheerful exterior to the world at large ( correct me if I am wrong IRL peeps!). But just below the surface is a pent up ball of worry - wartiness and gloom. I had just been to see the Mike Leigh film, whose name I borrowed for my blog, and it inspired me aim for the same sense of guileless cheer exhibited by the the main character. She is a free spirit, open to a good time, largely unaffected by worldly worries or obsessions. I was feeling hollow, lost, alone, and vulnerable ( yes, even while I was focusing on IVF 2009) and felt pretty much like nothing was ever going to go right. So I started my blog on a whim; the name came to me in a split second; I put my virtual tile out into the ether and waited for inspiration. Shortly afterwards I picked my signature picture which I wrote about here.

When we have a child, my hope is that she will have a happy-go-lucky character, and not be burdened by stress and angst. We picked donors who had happy-go-lucky qualities. I am going to do my best to show our little one that there are other ways to be than with clenched teeth and adrenaline pump overload. Susan will be good at that when I fall by the wayside. Of course, in the spirit of self direction and self determination, we will try to help her to be true to herself. Whatever that looks like. I am not going to turn being happy-go-lucky into a religion, or a pre-requisite for being loved.

So that, my friends, is the story of how happy-go-lucky was born. On a cold winters night in November 2008. And in just over 3 short weeks we may know the date (if not the disposition) of our own little baby's birth.

Post haste

2009-11-09T20:05:00.000-08:00

Period: Missing.

Work: Overwhelming. Stayed late. Again. Resentful.

Blogoversary: imminent. One year. November 18th.

Lupron: Still shooting.

Baseline U/S: Thursday.

Blog reading: Lacking. Time crunch.

Dear wife: Cute. Buttonly. Dear.

Dogs: lush couch surfers.

Cats: Sweet. Not really feral. Need forever homes.

Greening: Three seconds with three ply soft toilet paper. Worse than driving a Hummer whilst eating fast food.

Books: longing for a good read.

Lips: pursed.

Teeth: ground.

I-pod app: Vegas pool!

Fellow bloggers: Awesome. Heroic. The best.

Bedtime: ten minutes.

The countdown begins!

2009-10-31T09:09:00.000-07:00

I don't have the guts/ balls/ovaries* ( delete as applicable) to get a ticker , but I do have a schedule and it starts tomorrow. The legal documents are signed and delivered, the donor is on BCPs, she passed all her tests with flying colors and is given two big thumbs up for motivation and personality by the egg donor coordinator.

These are the highlights -it is a bit more involved than this - especially on the donor end.

After two weeks of boob busting BCPs ( but no mood swings, thank you very much!) I start taking Lupron tomorrow, November 1st. Yippee! Never have I been more happy or grateful to stick a needle in my tummy! It's been about six months so I hope I remember what to do. But just in case I don't, the clinic has a handy dandy video to help me.
On 11/12/09 I go into the clinic for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork.
11//13/09, donor takes FDA tests. Stimulation is contingent on those tests being normal.
11/14/09 I start Estrace, baby aspirin and decrease Lupron.
11/17/09 the lovely donor starts her Gonal F pen to stimulate her ovaries. Sometime after this she starts her FSH medication.
11/20/09 and 11/27/09 I go in for another u/s and b/w
Thanksgiving day I look at the tofurkey and thank my lucky stars!
Donor takes Ovidrel ( trigger shot)
Donor goes in 34- 36 hours after trigger shot for egg retrieval ( around 11/28/09)
Lovely donor eggs and lovely donor sperm do a happy dance with the aid of ICSI and nice embryologists.
11/29/09 I start prometrium, PIO, and a Zpack.
Day of 5-day blastocyst (embryo ) transfer - December 3rd, stop Lupron and go for broke!!!
12/13/09 pregnancy test!!!

So there we have it!
I am also very aware that IVF with donor eggs and sperm does not equal pregnant, and pregnant does not equal a healthy baby, but I am going to hope and pray for the best and am feeling excited and optimistic.

breathe, breathe, breathe!

And thank you, all of you for the cheers and the support. It means so much to me:) xoxoxoxoxoxx

ICLW redux - the story so far! With Happy Go Lucky Plans and News!

2009-10-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

Hello again, ICLWers. This is only my third month doing it after taking a long break - for no particular reaaon - and I am looking forward to it! Here is my updates version of "Tireegal's TTC life" after Ira Glass' "This American Life".

act i. ambivalence, therapy, soul searching, envisioning, money worries and woes, family drama, baby postponed till a later date ( 5 years)

act ii. decision making, temping, IUIs, clomid, anovulation, low ovarian reserve, age, more family and life drama, IVF attempt number one aborted after no response to heavy meds ( 1.5yrs)

Intermission
(Heavy servings of gingersnap lattes, carbohydrates, shoe throwing, anger, misery, therapy, blaming, acceptance, adoption research)

act iii. donor eggs on the table, bcps, starting Lupron tonight for trial cycle, picking donor, baseline u/s and b/w on Friday ( 1 month)

act iv. more delays, including one fibroid to be removed, one egg donor down for malaria, second egg donor down for emergency kidney surgery, third donor chosen and on the way. Scheduled to start Lupron November 1st. Estimated day of donor egg retrieval November 28th, estimated day of five day transfer December 3rd!!!!! Yippee!!!!

Credits and acknowledgements :
my honey Susan, therapist, dogs, cats, supportive friends and bloggers.

Commence freak-out about where to put the babies ( I know they go in my uterus, silly - I am talking about apartment accommodations!), how many there are going to be, how to keep afloat financially, how Susan is going to continue to go to school and get sleep, etc etc etc. You get the picture.

Freaked out but excited!

And now for the awards ceremony! thanks to Noodlegirl and Fran!

2009-10-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Noodle Girl for nominating me for this award.

I have been nominated for awards before ( thanks, BWUB! and Clare ) but I had to ask for blow by blow instructions on how to post the award to my blog ( thanks Lara) . I seriously need to go to Blogging Boot Camp / Basic Training!

So, here are the rules that accompany this esteemed honor:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award - yup!
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog - yup!

3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award. http://peanutnoodle.blogspot.com

4. Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know. Here goes.
There are lots of things you don't all know about me- unless you know me in real life. Hmmmm.
1. When I am concentrating I bite my bottom lip.
2. I always wanted to be an actress and a singer - Julie Andrews was my first role model - no it didn't really happen.
3. I went to an all girls boarding school for the last four years of school. And no, that did not turn me gay! I was already way gay!
4. My family never had a tv when we were growing up till I was sixteen. It was a black and white tv with rabbit ears that had belonged to my Nanna and poor reception and we put it in a bedroom in the attic so you had to make a real effort to watch it.
5. When I was 12 my family moved into a house that had been owned by Amy Johnson's family. She was the first woman to fly single handed from England to Australia in the 1930s and was the British contemporary of Amelia Earhart. She disappeared while on a routine flight over the Thames in England after doing lots of very dangerous and difficult long distance flights.
6. After I got my drama degree in Wales, I spent a summer busking in a duo - I played clarinet and my partner in crime was a pot head who played guitar and harmonica. We used to net about 20 quid a day each on a good day.
7. After that summer busking in Wales, I took Welsh lessons at the local college and learnt to speak it reasonably well.

That was kind of fun - and I only covered the first 24 years of my life!

5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
http://cindysblog-bangheadhere.blogspot.com/
http://www.dontlicktheferrets.com/
http://twomorechicks.blogspot.com/
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/
http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/
http://thepitter-patter.blogspot.com
http://anofferingoflove.wordpress.com/

And now for my next award!!!!!

Thanks also to Fran, for nominating me for this one! I love to be over the top! It appeals to my dramatic nature!

Rules

1. You Can Only Use One Word
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? Table

2. Your hair? Straggly

3. Your mother? Feisty
4. Your father? Dead

5. Your favorite food?comfort

6. Your dream last night?stressful

7. Your favorite drink? coffee

8. Your dream/goal? Fulfillment
9. What room are you in? Sitting

10. Your hobby? Beach
11. Your fear? Meaninglessness

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home
13. Where were you last night? Bed

14. Something that you aren’t? Relaxed

15. Muffins? Raspberry

16. Wish list item? Baby-House

17. Where did you grow up? England
18. Last thing you did? sipped

19. What are you wearing? comfy

20. Your TV? Cougartown

21. Your pets? Abundant

22. Friends? Nice

23. Your life? Busy
24. Your mood? Anxious

25. Missing someone? Susie

26. Vehicle? Matrix

27. Something you’re not wearing? Bra!!!

28. Your favorite store? Hardware

29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? Recently

32. Your best friend? Susie

33. One place that I go to over and over? Memory

34. One person who emails me regularly? Susie
35. Favorite place to eat? SimpleGourmet

Recipients:

http://bestwhenusedby.blogspot.com/

http://thejohnsonest52905.blogspot.com/

http://path2pg.blogspot.com/

http://p3sbaby.blogspot.com/

http://insertmetaphor.wordpress.com/
http://pufferandthebabyfish.blogspot.com/

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Teacher, what's the title?

2009-09-30T21:07:00.000-07:00

I really don't know what to call this post, but I really need to get the last post out of sight and mind. It needs to go to bed! Bye bye miserable post of despair!
I have also been reading all your blogs and not commenting. It is a thing called inertia I think. I find it despicable in myself and forgivable in others.

I am procrastinating on all kinds of things. ( Like homework for my career counseling). In the process of procrastinating I read an op ed in the New York Times, by Maureen Dowd about how "Blue is the new Black" - especially if you are a woman. i.e. women are more unhappy now than they ever were. In fact, before feminism hit, women were blissfully ignorant of their options and guess what? they were....blissful. Except I don't think she actually says this, but believe me the 400 or more commenters on the article on line have a field day with it. According to many of them, feminism has been just plain bad for women. Give them an inch and they go out and hang themselves. But according to the study, feminism may be good for others. Like men. They don't have to earn all the money anymore, they get to play with the kids and go to soccer games and they even have time to pick up their socks once in a while. Women, on the other hand are running around like whirling dervishes tossed and blown by the winds of change!!! The message seems to be: women's lives are more complicated now and therefore they are more unhappy. They have more choices and that doesn't mean they feel better for it. Men's lives were never that complicated and they are even happier than they were before. Women are temperamental and moody, men are not.

And here is the worst news - EVERYONE who has kids is really really unhappy! I always knew that married women were the least happy of anyone of these demographic groups ( I learned that in sociology thank you very much!) and married men are the most happy (lucky bastards!) but hearing that people with kids - anyone with kids- are the most unhappy - well that just flipped my lid a little. (I do have this worry that I will work my butt off to have kids and then find out that it's all a sick joke - albeit a private one - and it's absolutely horrible after all). Of course those people don't regret having kids, they would never say that. So why do you think that women are so unhappy? Do you think they really are more unhappy than before or do you think it's some trick to get us all to relinquish feminism and spend all day cleaning house and then primping ourselves for the hour before our hubbies come home so we can look stepfordwifelike for them?

On another subject altogether..... I have been thinking of how having babies will make me "come out" in places I would rather not. Where I work all the staff know my story and most of them know that we are vigorously trying to get knocked up - or vigorously waiting to try to get knocked up. The clients, now there's a different matter. Having worked as a social worker for over 14 years I have rarely told any client that I am a laybeejun. I did famously come out to a client who confessed to me that she was confused about her sexuality ( and I naively thought she might need a role model to give her courage and help her see it's okay to be one of those people) who then went around telling everyone that she hated lesbians and that I am one. ( I wasn't on the news or anything - I use the word "famously" in a grandiose small pond kind of way!) A few clients who were gay just seemed to "know". They didn't spread it around but they would give me the "we both know that we are gay" nod! I have worked a lot with nice old homeless or nice old mentally ill ladies who I worry would be mortified if they knew I was a lesbian. They just think of me as this nice sweet rather asexual career girl who has two dogs and a handful of cats and is far too busy helping others to help herself to a bit of nooky in the bedroom. In fact that is really how I have been identified by most of my clients for a long time - the girl with two nice dogs who sometimes come visit and wag and scrounge for food. And I wonder how I will deal with telling these people - what do I tell them about being pregnant? I work in a place where staff are pretty transparent with clients - it's not the "therapy hour" kind of social work - we see the clients in the everyday - we sometimes have meals with them, we help them live their lives and we don't stop living ours while we do this. They like to know about our kids or our husbands or the latest cute bit of news that makes us look like the people that they like to think lead "normal lives".I know - many of you have been here before - do tell - I am interested to know how you have handled it. Don't get me wrong - I will be very very thrilled to have a big fat belly for all the world to see - and I will be a big fat show-off but it is going to be very very interesting in the world of work.

Here's an example of how much I really don't want to offend "nice people" by making them think of sex ( shudder ) when I tell them I am a lesbian and they are horrified ( all my own prejudices).
On our recent trip to KC my dear sweet honey and I had occasion to have three meals in the dining car on the AMTRAK. That would be three meals where we sat side by side on the banquette and on the other side were one or two COMPLETE STRANGERS!!!!!!!! Oh my god - the thought of sharing a meal with strangers is kind of interesting and novel. It's odd that we ( or I ) have become so insular that this seems scary. We spend time in strange places talking to familiar people on our cell phones. We don't eat with random strangers very often without another context or connection like church or work.
Our inaugural communal meal was on our way down to KC when we had dinner. The woman who was assigned to our table looked friendly, casual and down-to-earth. It turned out we had a lot in common - so much so that we exchanged email addresses and talked about religion and dogs ( two of our favorite subjects - being that S is training for the ministry and any dog owner loves to wax lyrical about her dogs). We didn't have to explain our relationship or hide it. It was obvious she got it. So much so that she invited us to one of her get togethers at her house if we are ever in the area.
The second meal we shared was breakfast on the way back from KC to Chicago. This was with a guy who was perfectly friendly - and who talked non-stop about himself and his travels with his wife to various time shares. He was a minister, but probably not the kind of minister that appreciates the laybeejuns. By the time breakfast was almost over I began to be afraid he might remember to ask us about ourselves and did a good job of supporting S in asking him more questions about himself. It seemed to me that he was almost oblivious of us as people and that we were objects to be talked at.
Our final meal was lunch ( yes, we love to eat regularly!) and this was the kicker. We were sitting with Mr and Mrs Average American. They were on an extended tour of America by train and were looking forward to going home the next day. After polite inquiries about what we all did and where we were from, the conversation stalled a little. Until one of them asked how we knew each other. Or if we were related or something. I think that the woman said something like: "So are you two a couple of working girls?" (!)To which I answered rather too quickly, "yes, that's right, we are just friends." JUST FRIENDS??!!! Oh girl, please! It was obvious to me that she was trying to place us, to figure out how we fit into her view of the world and relationships and all she could come up with was that we must be two busy career girls who liked to travel together. But the question I am asking myself is - how do I know her daughter isn't a big ole laybeejun?!!! How do I know that she has no concept of the old L word and why am I trying to protect her from the awful carnal knowledge that is my life? And it's very very carnal you know - just watch the L word and you'll know! I think I am trying to protect myself from the awkwardness of being stuck in a banquette on a train and seeing her struggle and feeling myself grow red with embarassment? Why do I care so much? Why am I worried about a strangers feelings and if she is judging me? I will have to really get over this when we have kids crawling all over us and people ask us how we are related!
I leave you pondering that and am off to my bed because it's that time of night.
Thank you for listening.I await your wisdom and advice.

PS. We have a new donor. She is young, is said to resemble Mandy Moore and is artistic, a little musical and lots of fun. We are waiting for her paperwork to get to the clinic so that they can evaluate her.

Second egg donor down - will this ever happen for us?

2009-09-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

I am beside myself. I am numb and sick and disgusted. It's not the donor's fault. She had emergency surgery on Friday. She is recuperating and will make a full recovery but be out of commission for at least a couple months. And she doesn't know if she wants to go ahead with it after that. She will know by Friday. We just got the go ahead from all her tests and I had just got the schedule about 45 minutes ago. For those of you who don't know, the first donor got malaria and was ineligible at the eleventh hour (in August) I am going to email our agency, but because we are in their bargain program there are less donors and no guarantees.
I guess the whole thing is about no guarantees, right?

I'm still here!

2009-09-10T19:41:00.000-07:00

Just wanted all you nice people to know that even though I have been quiet recently I am still here and we still have a plan. I have been a horrible commenter. I read your wonderful blogs on my i-phone and if I am feeling a little more perky I comment, but mostly I don't. I have enjoyed everyone's beautiful belly pics - is there anything finer? I have read about your heartbreak and your excitement. And I am witnessing it all in my own way, but I am too tired to be very communicative. I am just tired and beaten down from work, over-wrought from the emotional roller coaster that is my life on birth control pills and so over all the waiting.

I finally figured out why I was melting down last week - a combination of endless complaints and irrational and irritating phone calls from clients on top of everything else at work meant that for once I could not keep a lid on the boiling pot of hot foamy and very salty water that is my emotions. Afterwards I had the realization that the reason I could not stay in control, under admittedly very trying circumstances, was that the BCPs do something to my tolerance for these things. Like I had had enough! And I had the kind of melt down in front of my supervisor that I have never had. I was mad, I was sad, I was fed up. Fortunately he took it in his stride and was very nice about it. I recovered and moved on. Still I couldn't deal with the ornery clients on the phone - even after a mental health day where I had the most perfect hour of windsurfing and a few more hours reading on the beach. I thought I had it licked, but the next day, I was losing my cool on the phone again. And I actually had the melt down the day after my mental health day. That's when I realized it was bad! He ponied up and went to bat for me with one particularly difficult issue and that felt good. This was not a client, it was a pissy state employee, to whom we are beholden, who was so rude and completely off the mark, in an email that it took up about two hours of my time and my supervisees' time and about half an hour of my supervisor's time to straighten out. All completely unnecessary.

Tonight is my last BCP for a week: the goal is to get a period ( hopefully my last for a long time) start BCPs in a week and by then we should have the infectious disease testing back from the new donor and be ready to go. She should be on or about to be on BCPs. I got the call from the clinic today (though unfortunately not nurse traffic cop but her stand-in) to say that finally the new donor had been evaluated by the doc and the nurse and "everything was in normal limits". Sounds cautiously ok.

I have not been thinking too much about the whole baby thing - trying to keep it at a distance and not getting too excited about it since the last hiccup. I may be excited when (don't want to say if) I get a BFP - but I am not sure. One thing that I know from the ALI community; there are so many uncertainties. I envy those women who sail through conception and pregnancy with not even a hint that anything could go wrong. I honestly can't believe it really happens like that for some people but apparently it's true. I almost feel cruelty towards their innocence. How messed up is that? Actually, the ones I feel the most cruel towards are those who know how we have struggled, but effortlessly "fall pregnant" and never once acknowledge that hearing about it on facebook posts might be a little hard, or even acknowledge that it might be hard, period. There are not too many of those people; they don't even know who they are. I know that all of my true friends and family ( IRL and in blog and message board land) have been incredibly supportive, and solicitous and kind and sensitive.I am grateful for that. Big time!

This was supposed to be a three line - I'm still here - please continue to hang out with me post. But I got a bit long-winded.
Bear with me. I couldn't do it without you all.
hugs:)
Tireegal:)

"She's like a traffic cop with those donors!"

2009-08-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

So said the very nice bubbly attorney about the very nice bubbly ( and thankfully very focused ) egg donor coordinator nurse this morning. I was consulting her about the agreement that we are signing with the egg donor. Apparently she has already been to see her lawyer - so that is fantastic! S and I had to sign multiple copies as "intended mother A" and "intended mother B" so now I have those phrases running around in my obsessive little head. The donor and donees get copies without legal names on, but the copies with legal names are held by the lawyers. Something like that. The egg donor is forever known to us as Intended donor Z.
The clinic finally got the "overnighted" package from the egg donor agency this morning and the nice bubbly nurse emailed me to let me know. She is going to call the donor and get things moving ASAP! Thank god I have faith in her. If anyone can get things moving it's her. She has the reputation of being like a traffic cop, which in this instance is a recommendation in my eyes! I think that must mean she gets the job done, she's no nonsense and she directs multiple streams of traffic, right? That would be me and my "cycle" and the donor and her "cycle".
So - it's day three, I had my u/s and b/w in record time this morning and I am hoping and praying that this is the last delay. I start BCPs tonight. The "cyst" has shrunk to 19 mm and will probably disappear with the BCPS. Keep things crossed for me. If we are lucky we might get a tentative schedule next week! And if you see a traffic cop, please thank her!

Oh and by the way, send the frickin' referral to the clinic would ya

2009-08-19T20:53:00.000-07:00

Picture this: A week after the "donor a go go" call.
Me, calling my clinic with news of my most recent BIG accomplishment: somehow I managed to get a period!
The clinic calling me back: "great news about your period. Did you pick a new donor yet?
Me, blood at 200 degrees: DIDWEPICKADONOR? Only about a week ago! What is wrong with these people?!!!!!!! What happened to the donor agency sending the "match" over "right away"?
Still no answer at 11pm tonight, but lo and behold, we get the donor to recipient agreement by e-mail today, too. Does that mean the donor has been to see the lawyer but not the doc? Er, yep! Okay,it's a start but could we please get this show on the road, puhlease!

donor a go go!!!

2009-08-12T08:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, three days later, we finally get the call to say that our new egg donor is on board, and ready to go. Which means she gets to go in to the clinic for testing, see the lawyer and really get the ball rolling. The good news is that she is in school for something medical ( which means she will probably understand all about shots), and is motivated to get the money to help with her tuition - and she is a mom - so she is probably doubly motivated to get this done!!!)
Me, I am on day 5 of provera, waiting to get AF which will probably happen a few days after I finish the pills and then I have to call the third party repro nurse and get instructions about BCPs and maybe even a schedule! I really like her - she is so thorough and explains stuff instead of referring me to the doctor to explain everything like the last one did. I think she really feels badly for me because of what happened with the last donor - so I am going to make sure I take advantage of that in any way I can. ( I know that sounds evil, but I am actually one of the most passive patients you could meet, so it' s not going to look too ugly when I start milking it for all it's worth!)
As for me I took off work today because I am exhausted, depressed and just plain cranky. I feel the weight of the world on my cliche ridden shoulders in my job and I am so desperate for a real live, quiet relaxing beach vacation - I know I know - we were on vacation in June but it involved a lot of driving and was relaxing once we got to Canada for a few days. Once we get our schedule we may be able to at least plan a long weekend away with the doggies at the beach.
S goes back to school in September and is furiously working to finish a paper so after the new semester starts it will be hard to get away.
I think I am going back to bed now.
Feeling like I need a big energy boost and some TLC. ( sob sob, sigh sigh)
I know, the news is good, I need to get over it!

A little bit mosquito bitten?- with update!

2009-08-05T21:22:00.000-07:00

Who knew that malaria would put a spanner ( or a wrench for those of you speaking the vernacular ) in the works for us at this the eleven and three quarters hour? Yup, the donor came back from foreign climes with some kind of case of malaria. i. e. She was exposed at some point and took medication for it. Now we are waiting to hear back from the FDA to see if we can proceed. We should know by Friday. Maybe I will have my period by then - gotta call and schedule u/s and b/w if she stays away much longer . Provera here I come. Strangely I am not mad with her. It just feels like it's part of our self-fulfilling doom and gloom prophecy. say it ain't so!

Update:
The donor has been canceled which at least means I don't have to make a difficult decision about what to do next ( i.e. whether to take the risk or not). The donor agency said they would find us someone quick and are supposed to be sending us some profiles to look at today. They said it would not cost us anymore and that this has never happened before. I am waiting to hear from the third party coordinator to find out what the FDA actually said and from my regular nurse to find out if I should fill the Provera Rx she gave me this morning to start my period. Oh and I have a 32mm cyst on one of my ovaries according to the U/S technician who volunteered that information to me. Hmm -was it 32 mmm or cm? or inches???!!!!The visit to the clinic today took over 1.5 hours, and they forgot about me while I was waiting to get my b/w done. Needless to say I was not looking very happy at all by the end of the visit. I am feeling a little more optimistic now though. Another donor to fall in love with again. Ho hum! Onward and upward and please let it be soon!!!

Come back, Auntie Flo

2009-08-03T21:30:00.000-07:00

All is forgiven. You will be welcome with open arms. Please call anytime! I will accept collect calls. I hope you have the right number. It's 1.800.WTF. RUUB. I don't like to beg or plead but it is day 33 and I am getting a little desperate. Don't leave me all alone like this. Please! Flo - are you out there? Is anybody there?

skipping towards the starting line!

2009-07-30T19:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been a busy little bee since last I wrote on this here blog. Here are the facts:

1. Went to the lawyer to have a consultation about the agreement between the egg donor and me and S. Apparently there is no law that governs egg donation in IL so it's kind of a crap shoot so you have to come up with contracts and everyone signs and hopes that if there ever is a law it will be favorable for all of us. The main thing is to create a paper trail and to memorialize our intention of being the parents of the child. ( I think, or something like that!)We also have to sign an agreement with the egg donation agency. We are waiting for the lawyer to draw up the final agreements and then we will sign them and move onto the next thing. In the documents we are called "intended mother A" ( me -the gestator) and intended mother B (S). Funny, but makes it seem more real!

2. Called another lawyer to inquire about second parent adoption and the procedure and the cost. Interestingly she said that it is a little unusual as I won't be biologically related to the child but I am the gestational mother - but she said she has done some of these before and they have gone smoothly. S ( who will be petitioning to be the second parent) has to have a police background check so I cautioned her to keep herself on the straight ( well not quite straight ) and narrow for the meantime! The cost is $1500 - $2000 depending on the case. Need to start saving up for all these extras! We don't have to do anything until about week 20 when we should contact her and let her know how it's going.

3. Ordered some more sperm as the donor we have one vial of is retired and we need two ( just in case one is a dud). So we agonized and searched and looked and listed and found this amazing guy at Cryogenic Laboratories. I like them a lot - you get a lot of info for free - I mean a lot of info!!!! and the IVF sperm is pretty cheap - as there is less of it. We decided we want him to be our number one guy ( especially after seeing his childhood photo and hearing his audio interview ) so we ordered two vials.

4. I have been engaging in a little career counseling and have decided to take the plunge and go for it full speed ahead. The reasons: I need someone to cheer me on and motivate me while I explore new careers ( and hopefully ones that are conducive to part time for good money ) and take steps to fulfill my goal of feeling satisfied and useful and creative in my work ( and less stressed). I need help selling myself, and someone to believe in me while I am doing this and someone with expertise and the two career guys (that I kind of met by accident) seem to really know what they are talking about and seem to have worked with all kinds of people - even cuckoo clocks like me! And I say that in the kindest and most loving way to myself.

5. When I saw my therapist tonight we sat there and marveled at how far I have come in pursuing my two ambivalent but persistent dreams - having a baby and getting un-stuck from my career. I could not even work on those dreams without first having the good fortune to have a great relationship with my honey and the feeling that we have a firm foundation. I remember being referred to her over five years ago when I decided I needed to have a new therapist so I could talk about how I was getting old and really wanted to think about having a baby!!! If you knew me when I was 14 years old you would really know it's been a long journey!

6. Waiting with baited breath for the lovely egg donor to come back from out of town - she gets back tomorrow and the third party coordinator is going to call her on Monday. Still waiting for that elusive period. Any day now!

Goals for next week: work on refinancing the " house" - I use that term loosely in the way that one does when one lives in a tiny garden apartment, tidy the back bedroom ready for company and ( ponder how we will somehow turn it into an office / slash nursery) and of course, win the powerball!

If I sound a little pollyanna, believe me: I have been through plenty of hedges backwards before getting to this point.